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DONALD TRUMP IS NOW PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, AND WE SEE A WHOLE LOT MORE MELANIA TRUMP PORN COMING

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Donald J. Trump is officially the 45th president of the United States. He is now the leader of the free world, after having taken the oath of office at his inauguration this afternoon, with the world cautiously watching and hanging on his every word. While they were hanging on his words, most of the watching was on the new first lady, Melania Trump, 46. We have all seen her naked. And as the inauguration has approached, we’ve started to see an explosion of Melania Trump porn. We suspect it will only continue as porn takes an increasing interest in the new president and the new hot as fuck first lady. She’s probably the hottest first lady ever. Slovenia should be proud today. So the rise in porn parody is not a surprise. Take this picture, one of our favorites. The original picture is of porn legend Lisa Ann. Someone superimposed the first lady’s face on it, to great effect. Yeah, we see a lot more coming.

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DAKOTA JOHNSON TALKS NUDE SCENES AND SHOWING HER TITS WITH VOGUE

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Actress Dakota Johnson, 27, is the young star of the Fifty Shades of Gray trilogy, and the upcoming second installation, Fifty Shades Darker. Along with her cover for Vogue magazine next month, she talked extensively about her nude scenes and how long she’ll continue to show her tits. “Nudity is really interesting for an actor,” she told the magazine. “Jamie [Dornan] and I worked so incredibly closely for so long. There were no inhibitions, and it was very honest, very trusting. But I mean, what a gamble! What if he had turned out to be a total dick? There’s no makeup. There are no clothes to tell you a bit about the story. There’s no jewelry to give you a clue about social status. So it becomes purely about the performance.” She added, when talking about how long she’ll continue to do nude scenes as an actress, “Will I stop doing nude scenes when my boobs start sagging? I don’t know. Maybe I have more of a European mind-set about these things. I don’t want to see someone wearing a bra and underwear in a sex scene. Let’s be honest about it. People are naked when they fuck.” Since Dakota looks like an A-Cup, we doubt she’ll start sagging any time soon.

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SARAH JESSICA PARKER STROKES OFF HER PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARD

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Sarah Jessica Parker, 51, took home the Favorite Premium Series Actress People’s Choice Award on Wednesday. On stage, she gushed, “Oh wow! Well goodness, this is lovely. And this is a real honour and I think of this occasion as just the most perfect opportunity to express a very personal and long-felt bit of gratitude. I feel like there are many who are not just an audience but have been a sort of, companion to me, well, over the course of a lot, of a lot of years. And I feel indebted to them for their commitment, and their devotion and their time, and their interest.” Backstage, she posed with her People’s Choice Award, looking like she was set to give it a blowjob and handjob. We’re just saying what it looked like.

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DID BILL CLINTON GET CAUGHT EYE FUCKING THE SHIT OUT OF IVANKA TRUMP? SURE LOOKS LIKE IT

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Being Hillary Clinton is not easy. She suffered through national embarrassment, first with the allegations that Bill cheated with Jennifer Flowers when he first ran for president, then the national scandal that proved he cheated with Monica Lewinsky at the end of his presidency. But Hillary stood by her man. And in doing so, she became the darling of the Democratic party. Her loyalty paid off. But right when she thought she had the presidency for herself, out of nowhere came some guy named Barrack Obama, who grabbed it for himself. And then she stood by Barrack. And for her loyalty, she again became the darling of the Democratic party. And then again when she tried to become president, it looked like another nobody was going to steal her lunch, Bernie Sanders. But with the help of her Democratic party stooges, she stole the nomination and all seemed right. But that was only to get fucked again by Donald Trump of all people. Today, she had to see him inaugurated, and Bill was again on the prowl. Clips of Bill eye fucking the shit out of somebody having been circulating, with the speculation that he was looking in Ivanka Trump’s direction. Bill, you horny devil. Being Hillary Clinton just ain’t easy.

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PUTIN DEFENDS TRUMP, AND SAYS RUSSIAN PROSTITUTES ARE “THE BEST IN THE WORLD”

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By now you’ve probably heard a few things about the president-elect Donald Trump and Russia. The current administration believes that Russia interfered in the election on Donald’s behalf, though won’t go so far as saying that Russia gave Donald the election. Donald and Russian president Vladimir Putin have a cozy relationship that makes most people uncomfortable. And, as of late, that Donald likes prostitutes to pee on his bed, a golden shower fetish. It is not clear if that last one is true or not, so far we have not seen the alleged sex tape that a former British intelligence official claimed exists. Vladimir confirmed the second thing, coming to the defense of Donald about Urination-Gate. “People who order fakes of the type now circulating against the U.S. president-elect, who concoct them and use them in a political battle, are worse than prostitutes because they don’t have any moral boundaries at all. … It highlights a significant degree of degradation of political elites in the West, including in the United States,” Vladimir said, according to Bloomberg. And then we went on to say, after dismissing the allegations against Donald (that he hired Russian prostitutes to pee on a bed while he was in Moscow), “they are of course also the best in the world. But I doubt Trump took that bait.” Wait, how does Vladimir know? Sounds like he’s taken the bait, and sampled Russian prostitutes himself, cause they are “the best in the world” is a pretty strong endorsement. We can’t say about the Russian prostitutes, we aren’t as experienced as Vladimir, but the nude models are pretty hot.

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BRITISH MALE CELEBRITIES ARE GETTING SCAMMED INTO MASTURBATING ON SKYPE AND HAVING “SEX TAPES” RELEASED

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You have to be the dumbest celebrity in the world to get scammed into going onto Skype to masturbate to some girl, unless that girl is actress Marbot Robbie or porn star Brandi Love. First off, as a celebrity, why would you need to Skype? and why would you want to? You likely have tons of girls lined up outside your hotel ready to sign a release, waiver and confidentiality agreement just to get the opportunity to swing on your nut sack. And if you’re worried about her putting you sleeping on her Instagram, well, again, you’re a celebrity, buy a high end prostitute. Why would you ever go on Skype? Well, a number of British male celebrities did. After boxer Amir Khan’s masturbation sex tape to a model on Skype was leaked, more British celebrities were released. A porn website now has medal-winning Olympic gymnast Louis Smith, 2008 Britain’s Got Talent winner George Sampson, Celebrity Big Brother contestant Calum Best, gold medallist diver Chris Mears, Coronation Street actor Shayne Ward, Strictly Come Dancing contestant Ben Cohen, The Only Way Is Essex star Kirk Norcross and X Factor contestant Sam Callahan, who all got scammed. Because they are dumb as fuck or horny as hell. “This is a case of famous celebrities being approached by beautiful glamour models via social media sites like Twitter or Instagram,” a source told The Sun. “They swap Skype usernames and arrange to have phone sex over the video service. It’s possible to record the Skype conversations so the assumption is that the models have made recordings which are then given to Celebrity Busted and ultimately leaked online.” Dumb asses.

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NAKED WOMEN AND CARP MAY BE THE HOTTEST CALENDAR OF 2017

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If you have a fetish for naked women holding carp, then our first suggestion would be to seek help, and medication. Lots of medication. Medication is good. Then our second suggestion would be to take a look at the Carponizer Calendar 2017. It features naked women and carp. And once your on your meds, you can enjoy in moderation. The mastermind behind the calendar, Hendrik Pöhler, 29, said, “I think the calendar is so popular because it’s unique. The idea is very strange but also very good, people love the Carponizer Carp Calendar. It is famous all of the world.” In case you were wondering who is buying, Hendrik added, “Most of our buyer are woman, perhaps they buy the calendar for the husbands, brothers, fathers or even for themselves. It took a very long time to take the perfect pictures.” We’d imagine, cause holding carp can’t be the easiest job for a model, or for anyone. Hendrik said, “Everything must be perfect, the carp, the girls, the weather, the background and so on. Every picture is great. It’s a lake where you can make your fishing holidays. A lot of British people go there.” If that’s what you’re into…

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WTF? IS THAT HER GIANT DANGLING DICK OR JUST A SHADOW OF HER OTHER LEG?

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It is NSFW optical illusion time, boys and girls. And time to question whether this is a picture of a boy or a girl. It is a girl of course, a cute one, posing in a t-shirt, shorts and leopard-print high heels. She just happens to be the victim of bad lighting. This picture of her has gone viral. Cause it looks like she’s got a giant dangling white cock in between her legs. But it’s just a shadow. But it does really look like a big dick.

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PORN STAR MIA KHALIA CALLS FAN WHO GOT HER FACE TATTOOED ON HIS LEG AN “IDIOT”

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Former porn star Mia Khalifa has no lover for “fuckery,” like getting her face tattooed on your leg, like a fan did recently. We agree with Mia, this is absolutely dumb fuckery. We would have said that even if this “fan” had met Mia, fucked her, dated her, even was head over heels in love with her and married her, none of which he has done. We’d say that still because getting a tattoo of a partner on your body is absolute dumb fuckery. It always ends the same way, with a break up. And this tool doesn’t even know Mia. If you were going to do something so stupid, at least get a hot porn scene of Mia, or Mia fully nude. Something. A nipple. Well, Mia had this to say: “First of all, you’re an idiot. Second of all, my eyebrows are uneven. Third of all, what kind of two-for-one special did you get this tattoo on? I look like I just crawled out of the depths of hell nose first. What kind of dumbass would permanently mark their body with this? This isn’t cool or flattering… you’re an idiot lol. Good luck explaining this to any future significant others. Idiot.” She added on Twitter, “Y’all, I found a piece worse than the Cowboys SB LI Champs tat. Hope he didn’t expect a ‘thank u’ from me. I will not condone this fuckery.” Harsh, but spot on.

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SHE WANTS YOU TO SAY “CALL ME DADDY” DURING SEX AND HAVE A BIG DICK

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If you’ve ever asked “what women want,” a new research study, conducted by Forktip.com, asked 5,000 people about their sexual habits and preferences, in an effort to find out. And in terms of dirty talk in bed, what women want is for their partner to say, “call me daddy.” Daddy issues seem common among all women, not just strippers. And women want to be told “how tight it is” and “how much he’s enjoying it,” according to the poll. If you want to know if you’re her “type,” the survey also found the top three qualities women want are: a big dick, muscles and height. Men are equally superficial (which is why most relationships fail after a few months); they wanted a slim woman with a big booty and big tits. And as to the crown jewel of every man’s fantasy, 27.7% of women said they would be open to a bisexual threesome. All you have to do is ask, well, that is if you have big dick, muscles and tell her how tight her pussy is after saying, “call me daddy.”

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PORN STAR KIM HOLLAND FILMS PORN IN CHURCH, ENTIRE CHURCH DECLARED “UNHOLY”

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Dutch porn star Kim Holland, who reportedly “promoted” a porn film shot in a church in Tilburg, Netherlands, is facing a huge Christian backlash. The church has since been declared “unholy” and was closed for several days through Sunday, until a special cleansing service where the building was sprinkled with holy water (for the sins committed or just to get the stank smell of dried porn pussy juice out of the air). Kim said producer Peter Visser was an atheist who “saw the church as a very ordinary place” and “completely underestimated the reaction from commenters,” according to Christian news website Church Militant. But she added, “He knows he should not have done it. We regret it very much.” What he did was film a couple having hardcore sex in the confessional corner of St Joseph’s. As a result of the public outcry, Kim has agreed not to release the footage. It is still not clear if the church will take any legal action against Kim and the producer however. Father Jan van Noorwegen, pastor of St. Joseph’s, was shocked when he heard of the film. He said, “I do not know how they got in; the gate is only open a few hours a day. But then there are always people in the church. No one saw anything.” A spokesman for the parish added, “We live in modern times but this went too far.” Kim is officially retired, so it is not clear if she did any performing in the film. But back in the day…

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WEEKEND EDITION: MADONNA URGES TRUMP PROTESTS WITH PICTURE OF NIKE’S “JUST DO IT” SWOOSH SHAVED INTO PUBES ON INSTAGRAM AND TWITTER

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It is not clear whether Madonna shaved a Nike swoosh into her pubic hair in the picture she posted to both her Instagram and Twitter accounts, saying, “Yasssssssss! Just Do it! @nakid_magazine 1 Million Women’s March!! Be There!! Washington D.C. Jan. 21,” referring to the anti-Trump women’s march in Washington, D.C., on January 21. She credited Marius Sperlich as the photographer of the picture set to appear in next month’s issue of Nekid magazine, presumably when we’ll know more about the pussy in question. Piers Morgan said “I just threw up my breakfast. Literally,” cause it seems the prospect of Madonna’s pussy was too much for his British sensibilities. Ann Coulter commented on Twitter, “Madonna vagina tattoo to protest Trump is not as silly as you think. More people will see that than CNN & MSNBC combined.” We agree. Using your pussy as a billboard does have a way of attracting more attention.

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NATURIST CLEANERS IS LOOKING FOR WOMEN WHO WANT TO CLEAN NAKED

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A popular Manchester, United Kingdom Facebook group, Naturist Cleaners, is looking for women to clean, naked. It posted: “We are looking for female naturist cleaners who can clean private houses nude. The job will require doing all general cleaning like dusting, tidying up, vacuuming, watering plants, making beds, using the washing machine, ironing clothes and cleaning windows.” But the services the women will provide are only for the nudist community, not just any bachelor looking for a naked cleaner. Company representatives said they believe in the “liberty of the true human form” and the “serenity of a spotlessly-cleaned home”. Women of “all ages and figures” are welcome to apply for the jobs. To protect the cleaners, the rules of the service prohibit pictures or videos of the cleaners, and that they cannot be touched. Owner Laura Smith said, “We started in London two-years-ago and it’s proved really popular, so we’re expanding. It’s a service for the nudist community. We are a cleaning company. There’s nothing sexual about the business at all. The majority of our clients are nudists. I understand people will think certain things about the company, but there is nothing untoward about it.” It is not clear exactly how you would prove you are a nudist, except to be naked yourself while the nude cleaners are cleaning, but that seems to be an recipe for “untoward” activity. Prices for nude cleaning start at £65 ($80) for the first hour and £55 ($67)each hour thereafter. And that’s if you’re in the London area.

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AT LEAST 30% OF MEN AND WOMEN MASTURBATE AT WORK, NEW REPORT CALLS FOR WORK MASTURBATION POLICY

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Who the fuck masturbates at work? Apparently, one-third of your co-workers, at least, both male and female (and chances are you too). A survey by Guyfi found that 40% of workers in New York take masturbation during breaks at work. Polls by Time Out New York and Glamour, respectively, found that 39% of men said they masturbated at work, while 31% of women also admitted to flicking the bean on the job. And now new reports are endorsing the need for workplace masturbation policy, which may lead to increased efficiency and focus on the job they say. Taking time to “relieve tension” on the job could actually boost productivity and make employees happier, psychology professor Mark Sergeant of Nottingham Trent University told Metro U.K. Dr. Cliff Arnall, a psychologist and life coach, agreed. Dr. Arnall said, “Certainly taking a masturbation break for boredom or an escape would increase work focus” and that, “I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling.” Yeah, a lot of smiling. We wholly endorse a “Masturbation and Personal Ejaculation Break Act” in Congress. Time for a Change.org petition.

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THE LFL (FORMERLY KNOWNS AS THE “LINGERIE FOOTBALL LEAGUE”) HAS A NEW, LESS REVEALING UNIFORM

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The Legends Football League originally started as the Lingerie Football League, where the girls wore next-to-nothing lingerie-ish uniforms. Well, that is changing. In a new release from the league, the LFL said, “The LFL uniform has continued to evolve since the sport’s inception in 2009. In 2013, with the sport’s re-brand as Legends Football League, the uniform was significantly modified to a performance compression fabric as well as modifications to the elastic and other key components.” And while that is true, they were still basically bikini uniforms, which the LFL has admitted. “The uniform has been subject to a lot of discussion and at times controversy since the sport’s inception in 2009,” said media relations director Philip Darnell. “Original uniforms from 2009 to 2012 when the brand was known as the Lingerie Football League were a skimpier sports bra and boy shorts with lingerie accents. In 2013, with the re-brand to Legends Football League, there was a complete change of fabric to performance compression wear and all lingerie accents were removed.” But as we said, it was a sports bra and boy shorts. And now they are going yoga pants. “Fast forward to 2017, the next major evolution of the on-field uniform has arrived, full pants uniforms which will place more of the viewer’s attention on the athlete and sport as well as providing greater safety for athletes.” Mitchell Mortaza, Commissioner, Legends Football League (LFL) added, “The uniform is such a vital part of any athlete’s success. We will continue to evolve the uniform to meet our athletes needs as well as keeping them as safe as possible, as evident by the introduction of the full pants uniform in 2017. CandlenCaleb will be a vital partner over the next few years, as the sport prepares to go mainstream.” We don’t know about “place more of the viewer’s attention on the athlete and sport.” The new look still has boy shorts, but with leggings, and the full pants look is basically hot as fuck yoga pants. But change comes slowly, thankfully.

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YOU MIGHT HAVE A REAL SHOT AT JOINING THE MILE HIGH CLUB WITH A FLIGHT ATTENDANT, ODDS ARE ABOUT 1 IN 7

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Website Jetsetter.com just released a survey of how many of you are having sex in the air. And if you thought fucking a flight attendant was out of reach, well, there is another survey from Jetcost.com that shows you are dead wrong. According to Jetsetter.com, after a poll of 1,600 travelers, it found 15% of respondents said they have had sex on a plane. An older survey last year by Jetcost.com, of over 700 British flight attendants, found that 21% of them had had sex on a plane with a colleague, and 14% had sex with passengers. That is basically a lucky 1 in 7 chance of having sex with your flight attendant, which are pretty good odds. So you may not want to kick back and sleep during your flight, cause you might be able to spread a flight attendant’s wings while flying the friendly skies.

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