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THE AMY SCHUMER SPREAD EAGLE BIKINI SHOT THAT NO ONE WANTED BUT WE ARE FORCED TO LOOK AT ANYWAY

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Comedian Amy Schumer almost broke the Internet with her nasty ass vagina spread eagle bikini shot in celebration of National Bikini Day. It was of course intended to be funny. Amy wrote with the post, “National bikini day! #wherewasmyparisfashionweekinvite”. Not everyone got the joke. But Amy is used to the criticism, because, well, she shouldn’t be showcasing herself in a bikini and she knows it. Amy covered the May issue of InStyle in a white one-piece, and swimwear designer Dana Duggan wrote, “Come on now! You could not find anyone better for this cover? Not everyone should be in a swimsuit,” on Instagram, adding a vomit emoji. Amy is still making people vomit, in the name of comedy and body positivity.

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AMY SCHUMER REJECTS HECKLER REQUEST TO, “SHOW US YOUR TITS”

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Less than two minutes into her show in Stockholm, Sweden, a heckler yells out to comedian Amy Schumer, “Show us your tits.” And as any comedian would, Amy stops the show to shut the guy down completely. He was easy to identify, cause he was the guy in one of the first few rows wearing an “I Love Pussy” shirt. Classic. Amy stopped her show to say, “Okay, wait. I want the guy who just yelled that to come up here. It’s too good. Everybody point at him so I know which one. … What do you do for a living? [“Sales,” says the guy.] Sales, how’s that working out? Is it going well? Cause we’re not buying it. Now that’s really cute. That’s really cute. But if you yell out again, you’re going to be yelling ‘show your tits,’ to the people in the parking lot, cause you’re gonna get thrown out, motherfucker.” She doesn’t have him thrown out, but before she could get out, “I’ll show my tits when I want to,” he yells out again. And, yeah, then Amy does have him thrown out. And that we think is the dumbest reason to get thrown out of a show you paid for, cause, guy, have you even seen Amy Schumer’s tits? They are not something you’d want to see again.

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AMY SCHUMER’S NOT WORRIED IF HER SEXTAPE LEAKS, CAUSE WHO WOULD WANT TO WATCH IT ANYWAY?

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Comedian Amy Schumer has a sextape. Ewww. That’s like an Ellen DeGeneres sex tape. Double ewww. No wait, Ellen has had a few hot lesbian sex partners, so it depends on which Ellen sex tape. The Portia de Rossi one, we’d suffer through Ellen for Portia. But Amy Schumer’s definitely got one. That’s one of many things you probably didn’t care to know about Amy, but she’s sharing anyway in her new memoir, “The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo.” Amy is funny and all, but that’s mostly because she’s not attractive. Fat girls are funny. That’s their thing. No one is currently looking for Amy’s sex tape, it is not being shopped around and God forbid if it ever did get leaked, unless it was some really funny or kinky sex. We think an Amy Schumer strap-on pegging sex tape might be good, but only if she was pegging Zac Efron. We can’t stand Zac, so that would really be justice in the universe. If there is an Amy Schumer sex tape anal fucking Zac with a strap-on 12″ black dildo, well, Amy is saying she doesn’t mind if it gets leaked. According to E!, Amy wrote in her book about being bombarded with messages from her publicist upon returning to the United States after traveling overseas. She said she immediately thought her sex tape had been leaked and called her publicist back to assure her she didn’t care. But it was something else. No sex tape leak. Save the Zac all anal pegging for another day.

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AMY SCHUMER GOES BOTTOMLESS FOR GUN SAFETY

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We’re confused. Amy Schumer posted a bottomless naked picture of herself on Instagram (left), cause she’s apparently promoting a cause, saying, “Today please #wearorange for gun safety! #everytown” We’re not exactly sure how naked asses and gun safety go hand in hand, but we figure maybe there’s something there. At least, it kind of sort of makes sense in a “if-I-flash-my-ass-it’ll-get-more-atention” sort of way. And if that was the goal, then it worked. We’ll take that trade any day. Though we do wish more celebrities would go bottomless, we’d wear orange almost every day.

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AMY SCHUMER HAS THE ITCHY VAG AND WE DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW

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If and when you contract an STD, while we hope that is something you disclose to any sexual partner, it’s probably not something that you need to tell the whole world on the Golden Globes broadcast. We don’t know what was causing comedian Amy Schumer’s vag to itch last night at the Golden Globes, cause she didn’t get an opportunity to explain before she got cut off quickly. But hopefully she can get a cream or something and work that out. Not exactly what we wanted to know, but it definitely made Ryan Seacrest squirm, cause that’s what Amy does, though maybe a little off the funny mark. Itchy vag, yeah, not so funny.

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THE NEW CONCEPT PIRELLI CALENDAR IS…..DIFFERENT

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The Pirelli calendar used to be full of hot supermodels naked or partly naked. It was eye candy. This year they took a different approach. And we’re seeing an eye sore. Yes, it’s being heralded by feminists and body positive advocates as a refreshing change. But seriously? Seriously? We’ve known for a while that Pirelli would be replacing its supermodel lineup with what it called powerful “women of achievement” — like tennis phenom Serena Williams, actress Amy Schumer, director Ava Duvernay, singer and activist Patti Smith, blogger-turned-actress Tavi Gevinson, and even 65-year-old author Fran Lebowitz. We were not enthusiastic, but we thought, who knows? Serena Williams could have been sexy, even Amy Schumer. We love them in their respected professions, so maybe they could surprise us as models too, we thought. We were surprised, but not in a good way. Let’s just call this year’s calendar “different.”

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AMY SCHUMER’S FUNNY COMMENTARY ON STRIPPERS

We don’t watch “Inside Amy Schumer,” a sketch comedy show featuring comedian Amy Schumer on Comedy Central, but maybe we should. The more we learn about Amy, we are more impressed. This sketch especially caught our attention cause it speaks to the suburban housewives and “professionals” who love to slut shame girls who get naked for a living, and ….

[Explicit Video: Nina Elle, Stepmom the Cam Girl on Brazzers]




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