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CHANELLE MCCLEARY GAGS ON A BANANA COCK IN A CONDOM DEMONSTRATION CLIP

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Big Brother dropped an education clip of the show featuring Chanelle McClearly showing Isabelle Warburton how to put a condom on a penis, using a banana in lieu of an actual penis. It is amusing but tame. We were about to pass until Chanelle gagged on the banana cock while trying to deep throat it to put the condom on. It made up from 2 minutes that really didn’t go anywhere. It was the climax if you will. It starts off with some banter that makes you think it will be good, with Chanelle saying, “Sexual intercourse can come in many different forms. But ideally, the penis will enter the vagina.” Ideally, of course. But that really depends on who you ask, cause some girls like for the penis to enter the anus too. Chanelle continues, “Penises come in all different sizes. It could be little or big.” The banana was pretty big, which is why she gagged when taking it down. As we said, we were amused, briefly.

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NOW THERE’S A SMART CONDOM THAT’LL TRACK YOUR PERFORMANCE, IF YOU WEREN’T GRADED ON ENOUGH ALREADY

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You can’t exaggerate anymore. Well, you can, but you might just get your shit checked. There is a new smart condom on the market that tracks everything, from performance, to supposedly even the presence of sexually transmitted disease. The i.Con claims to be the “World’s First Smart Condom.” “Welcome to the future of wearable technology in the bedroom,” said manufacturer British Condoms. It is a ring that men can wear with a condom during sex to track their stats. The company is taking “early bird” registrations, but the product is actually not yet available. It is selling pre-order for about $75, with an anticipated released sometime in 2017. The i.Con tracks speed, “average thrust velocity,” duration, skin temperature, girth, calories burned and frequency of sessions. It also gives performance measures, showing the average and “best” performers, tracked through an i.Con app. British Condoms also said that, “all data will be kept anonymous, but users will have the option to share their recent data with friends, or, indeed the world.” So all that bullshit is about it come to an end.

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(What do the extra pictures below have to do with the i.Con? Well, motivation of course. Though, for stats purposes, they may be counterproductive. We add them nonetheless.)



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A NEW SKIN-LIKE CONDOM MAY BE HITTING THE MARKET SOON

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The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation put out a challenge to researchers around the world to build a better condom. Shengxi Chen, a biochemist at Arizona State University’s Biodesign Institute (no surprise there, ASU, of course), answered the call. Now, ASU may be able to shake its label as a party school and STD college capital of the world. With a $100,000 Grand Challenges grant from the Gates Foundation in 2014, Shengxi created a condom from material that mimics human skin, which is more comfortable, and more importantly, more likely to be used by more men and women. “With condoms, for many, many years nobody changed them,” said Shengxi. The new material is more skin-like, because Shengxi made the material more hydrophilic, or water-loving, the same as human skin. His condom is in fact eight times more hydrophilic than ordinary latex condoms. “I thought, if we make something really close to skin, people would not mind using condoms,” Shengxi said. “Human skin has a lot of water; we call it hydrophilic. Most condoms are hydrophobic, but this material likes water.” Shengxi’s condom has 1.7 times more tensile strength than regular latex condoms, as measured through stretching and air-pressure tests. And Shengxi’s condom may be on the market soon. He has registered a start-up company called Joys LLC. “We are trying to put it to the market because I think that it is truly interesting,” he said. “It’s better than the other condoms, and we don’t want this to just stay in the lab.” But he still needs to produce the condom in a commercial setting and pass the safety and performance tests required by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.

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ONE DAY SOON YOU MAY BE ABLE TO JUST SPRAY A CONDOM ON YOUR DICK, AND GET TO FUCKING

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We aren’t exactly sure of the benefits of the spray-on condom. “The condom fits 100 percent perfectly, so the safety is much higher than a standard condom’s, and it feels more natural,” said an original proponent of the idea, Jan Vinzenz Krause back in 2008. But his condom took 3 minutes to dry. And who wants to wait? Michelle Chu has taken up the banner with a slightly different concept, but the same idea, with an aerosol spray can concept. “I thought the condom market needed some refreshing,” Chu told PSFK’s design blog. “Condoms look like those little ramen seasoning packets. They’ve just been these square things forever.” But so far, Michelle’s concept still seems in the development stage. And she definitely has to get around that 3 minute dry time that plagued Jan. But a condom that wrapped perfectly around your dick, now that’s an idea.

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NEW CONDOM CONCEPT WILL CHANGE COLOR IF YOU ENCOUNTER AN STD INFECTED PUSSY

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London students came up with a questionable concept in the fight against STDs. It is a condom that changes color when an STD is detected. Muaz Nawaz, Daanyaal Ali and Chirag Shah, from London’s Isaac Newton Academy, presented the concept for the color-coded condom at TeenTech London. The idea is that the condom changes color based on the presence of an STD. The students explained that the condom would contain molecules that attach to STD bacteria and shine with a fluorescent glow. The finished product, for example, might glow green for chlamydia, yellow for herpes and blue for syphilis. “We wanted to make something that made detecting harmful STIs safer than ever before, so that people can take immediate action in the privacy of their own homes without the often-scary procedures at the doctors,” co-inventor Daanyall said in a TeenTech statement. “We’ve made sure we’re able to give peace of mind to users and let people act even more responsibly than ever before,” he added.

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But here’s where the teens were a bit short-sighted (likely never having had sex themselves, since they were locked in a lab working on a color-coded STD condom). Presumably the condom detects the STD from the female. And here’s how it goes: Guy asks girl if she has any STDs. She says “nope, I’m clean, you can trust me.” Guy puts on condom. Guy puts dick into girl’s pussy. Condom glows green for herpes. Guy pulls out. Has to decide is it worth continuing (since condoms should protect against STDs anyway). Guy either continues or stops. Either way, guy is fucking livid the girl lied, and has herpes, and caused his condom to glow green. Very awkward conversation time.

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