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PLAYBOY PLAYMATE DANI MATHERS WILL DO COMMUNITY SERVICE, CAUSE CUTE WHITE GIRLS DON’T GO TO JAIL

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Playboy playmate and model Dani Mathers faced justice today as she was sentenced for making fun of a fat old lady on social media (and posting the woman’s naked picture online). The Los Angeles City Attorney’s Office confirmed that Dani pleaded no contest and got 30 days of graffiti removal along with 36 months probation. She also has to pay $60 to the victim for restitution. As we said, that was for her now infamous posting of a photo to Snapchat of a naked woman in the locker room of an L.A. Fitness, with the caption, “If I can’t unsee this, then you can’t either.” Dani’s lawyer, Tom Meserau, said, “She is very relieved that this ordeal is coming to an end. She is very apologetic and remorseful about what happened. She looks forward to a new chapter in her life. We are very relieved she is not going to spend one day in jail and did not have to plead guilty to any charge. She plead to ‘no contest’ to a misdemeanor.” We don’t think Dani should have gotten jail time for what in our minds was a juvenile prank, magnified only because Dani has such a large social media presence. But some people do. And for the believers, well, today ain’t that great of a day. But perhaps Biblical justice is more fair in this case. We post a naked picture of Dani, cause, “If we can’t unsee this, then you can’t either.” Though, somehow, we suspect, that doesn’t make the believers feel any better. But we do. So we’re good calling it a night.

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AMBER HEARD SUED FOR REFUSING TO DO PROMISED NUDE SCENE

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Actress Amber Heard was sued for refusing to take off her clothes. She was hit with a $10 million breach-of-contract lawsuit over her upcoming film London Fields. Producers Nicola Six Limited claimed she failed to offer agreed-upon acting and publicity services, by not complying “with commitment to act in scenes requiring nudity, in contravention of her contractual obligations.” She was supposed to do a nude scene as her character, a “promiscuous psychic is about to be murdered.” They claim that Amber was aware of the nature of the role of Nicola Six, because she had read Martin Amis’ novel as well as the screenplay, which was “salacious, provocative and contained nude scenes.” They said Amber had the right to view all nude and sex scenes and approve the final cut, accepting payment for all acting services. Instead, they allege, she secretly worked with Mathew Cullen, the film’s director, to rewrite her nude and sex scenes, refusing to shoot the film’s nude moments, “key scenes in the script had to be removed and/or rewritten to accommodate Heard’s behavior.”

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And to make matters worse, Nicola Six claims Amber failed to show up at the premiere at the Toronto International Film Festival. “Consistent with industry norms, Plaintiff (like TIFF) expected Heard (the film’s star) to attend TIFF and support the Picture, as Heard was contractually required to do — and as she had been paid to do,” they said in the lawsuit. And dded that, “the refusal to do so was especially glaring, and harmful, in view of the fact that she was present at TIFF to promote another film, The Danish Girl, in which she had a far smaller role, and to support her then-husband Johnny Depp’s film, Black Mass.” It is not clear why Amber refused to do the nude scene for London Fields, since Amber’s been nude before, her nude scene for The Informers comes to mind:

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IS A VON MILLER AND ELIZABETH RUIZ SEX TAPE COMING?

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Kim Kardashian forged the path. Now, Elizabeth Ruiz is looking to blaze her own trail to stardom with a celebrity sex tape. She fucked Super Bowl MVP Von Miller of the Denver Broncos in Cancun, Mexico, and recorded it with her cell phone. It was recorded “while they were alone indoors,” court documents claim. “[Von] insisted at all times that the recording be kept private. [Elizabeth] agreed that she would keep the recording private,” said Von’s attorney. Von said that he also talked with Elizabeth after he returned to the United States and reminded her that “he did not want anyone to see the recording and asked Ruiz to erase the recording.” But Elizabeth allegedly responded, “Gotcha,” according to court papers. Elizabeth allegedly offered to sell the sex tape back to Von for $2.5 million, “to transfer ownership of the recording” to him, otherwise she would publicly release the video. But Von sent his lawyers to court to get a restraining order. A representative for Elizabeth allegedly said she wanted to become the next Kim Kardashian. But that looks like it won’t happen. Yesterday, Judge Amy Hogue issued a temporary restraining order barring Elizabeth from distributing, copying, or releasing the tape. But that may not stop Elizabeth, according to reports, as another representative allegedly said she was as “itchy” and someone who “could care less” about the law. Looking at Elizabeth on her Instagram page, we would say whatever happens, Von it was definitely worth the risk.

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LEAKED TAYLOR SWIFT “SMOKING GUN” GROPING PICTURE DELIVERS LESS THAN PROMISED

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In case you hadn’t heard, Taylor Swift and former radio DJ David Mueller are fighting it out in court. He says Taylor lied when she claimed he groped her. She says she has proof, a picture that is the smoking gun. Taylor said the photo captured the moment of her sexual assault at the hands of David, claiming in her video deposition, “Right as the moment came for us to pose for the photo, he took his hand and put it up my dress and grabbed onto my ass cheek and no matter how much I scooted over, it was still there. It was completely intentional, I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.” She added in court papers, “I remember being frantic, distressed, feeling violated in a way I had never experienced before. A meet-and-greet is supposed to be a situation where you’re thanking people for coming. You’re supposed to be welcoming people into your home, which is the arena for that day, and for someone to violate that hospitality in that way, I was completely stunned.” Taylor fought hard to keep the public from seeing this horrific picture, where she was sexually assaulted, but TMZ released it. And, while we aren’t saying that it doesn’t show some funny business, maybe, it looks about as convincing as the O.J. Simpson gloves. That is to say, women will see a sexual assault (like white people say the gloves fit), and men will see a hand a bit too low (like black people agreed “it didn’t fit, so you must acquit”). No wonder Taylor didn’t want the picture to get out.

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PLAYMATE DANI MATHERS CAUGHT A CASE FOR BODY SHAMING OLD LADY ON SNAPCHAT

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Playmate Dani Mathers, 29 (and Playmate of the Year for 2015), has been charged with a misdemeanor count of invasion of privacy for posing a selfie to Snapchat with a naked elderly woman in the background in the shower at her gym, LA Fitness, saying, “If I can’t unsee this then you can’t either.” Dani claimed at the time, back on July 13, 2016, that she only meant to share it with a friend, instead of publicly to all of her followers. It caused a shit storm, of course, and many speculated Dani violated the law — now it is official. Dani is set to be arraigned on November 28, 2016, and faces six months in jail and a fine. While Dani later apologized and deleted her social media accounts, it was not enough. Police identified the 70-year-old woman and she is cooperating to bring the charges against Dani. Dani’s apology wasn’t exactly heartfelt. She said, “There is no excuse” and that, “I understand fully the magnitude of this post and that I have hurt. This mistake has truly made me realize that something that can seem silly in a private conversation isn’t unnecessary. All I’ve done here is spread negativity and hate when that isn’t who I am, I chose to model because I appreciate women and their bodies, so me of all people should never make light of another woman’s naked body.” Way to make it all about you, Dani.

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Los Angeles City Attorney Mike Feuer said that it was important to send a message with the criminal charges. “Body-shaming is humiliating, with often painful, long-term consequences,” he said. “It mocks and stigmatizes its victims, tearing down self-respect and perpetuating the harmful idea that our unique physical appearances should be compared to air-brushed notions of ‘perfect.’ What really matters is our character and humanity. While body-shaming, in itself, is not a crime, there are circumstances in which invading one’s privacy to accomplish it can be. And we shouldn’t tolerate that.” Dani’s attorney, Thomas Mesereau, said, “I am disappointed that Dani Mathers was charged with any violation. She never tried to invade anyone’s privacy and never tried to violate any laws.” We wish Dani the best in beating those charges like O.J. Simpson. If only Johnny Cochran was still alive.

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PORN STAR TEANNA TRUMP SENTENCED FOR POSSESSION OF 6LBS OF WEED…6LBS!

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Sometimes you get caught with a 6 pound stash of marijuana and you are gonna do some time. It happens. We’re not certain why porn stars are ever selected as drug mules, cause they draw a shitload of attention. Seriously? The hot girl with the big fake tits, that’s the one you choose to handle your product? We question the Mexican drug cartels these days. They are getting sloppy. But, as we said, sometimes it happens. It happened to porn star Katie Morgan. She did her time and she’s had a successful career since. This time around, it happened to porn star Teanna Trump. You may know Teanna from such films as “Brown Sugar Fuck Dolls,” “Black Bombshells” and “We Fuck Black Girls.” She was caught with 6 pounds of weed. She tweeted about it back when she was busted in March, saying “I got caught with 6lbs of weed I was in oaklohoma,” “Wow… I was in jail for 5days,” and “Damn I can’t smoke for 5years…” (Yes, Oklahoma was misspelled, so apparently she hadn’t stopped smoking at that point.) Her last pair of tweets on the subject was on Wednesday, as she went to court, when Teena said, “I am going to court today. Hopefully everything goes ok. If not I’ll be in jail the remainder of the year,” “Hopefully I’ll be back on here later. I don’t deserve to go to jail.” The judge disagreed. And, when you get caught with 6 pounds, not going to jail is not an option. Somebody’s got to go to jail. Teanna got hit with 6 months. So she’ll be gone till November….

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PORN STAR KAYLA KUPCAKES FLASHES HER TITS TO JUDGE DURING BAIL HEARING

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Porn star Kayla Kupcakes, real name Susan Surrette, 54, of Fort Lauderdale, was arrested for disorderly intoxication, or just plain being a stinking drunk in public. At her bond hearing, Judge John Hurley asked Kayla what she does for employment, and she was candidly honest, saying she works as an escort and porn star named Kayla Kupcakes. As the judge read her charges, Kayla claimed she was assaulted by police officers during her arrest and began showing the judge her bruises. “I’ve been beaten on by police,” Kayla said. “And also, this too,” after which she lifted up her shirt and flashed the judge. “Okay, well I guess that kind of sums everything up,” said the judge, and Kayla was escorted from the courtroom. Her bond was set at $100, which she later posted. And that’s how a porn star does it.

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