FLORIDA MAN WANTS TO SHOW HIS DICK TO THE JURY IN HIS MURDER TRIAL, CLAIMS HIS GIRLFRIEND CHOKED ON HIS DICK
Richard Henry Patterson, 65, wants to show is dick to the jury in his murder trial, which he thinks will get him off (in more ways than one). Richard (we don’t know if he goes by Dick, but for fuck’s sake we’ll assume he does) admitted he choked his girlfriend, Francisca Marquinez, 60, to death on Oct. 28, 2015. But he says she choked on his monster cock. And it was all an oral sex accident. He’s asked the judge if he can show his dragon dick to the jury to prove his case. He’s also got an expert witness and former Broward County Medical Examiner, Dr. Ronald Wright, to testify that Francisca’s death “is consistent with being accidentally sexually asphyxiated during oral sex,” according to documents filed in court. His lawyer, Ken Padowitz, said that viewing Dick’s massive dick is integral to understanding Dr. Wright’s claims. “Although the object to be viewed is not a place but a part of the human anatomy, it is material and relevant, the view by the jury is essential for them to fully understand the Dr. Wright’s testimony and the defense in this case,” he said in court papers. “My client is innocent and we are confident when the jury hears the evidence and the scientific evidence in this case, they are going to come back with a verdict of not guilty,” Dick’s lawyer told the Daily News. Dick’s got to explain his text to his daughter, where he said he “did something bad,” and he later told a friend, “I choked her. I choked Francisca.” What he claims he left out was he chocked her with his fat hog of a dick.
Accident, Dick, Florida, Francisca Marquinez, Jury, Murder, Oral sex, Richard Henry Patterson
Everyone’s mother had to love the dick or else you wouldn’t be here. But it’s one thing to know it, and another to embrace it. And it’s one thing to love the D and another to put it all over your throw pillows. Redditor Waffle_Twat put her and her mother’s business all out onto the Internet by posting pictures of her mother’s Victorian print dick pillows, which not only did her mother realize (cause this type of stuff does happen by mistake), that is why she purchased the pillows. As Waffle_Twat explains, “They stay in the living room on the couch year round. Everyone that has noticed them loves them, most people don’t notice the penises because they would never expect them to be there but once they are pointed out (and someone always points them out) everyone gets a big kick out of it.” Wait, did she say big kick, or big dick?
Dick, Penises, Reddit, Victorian Print, Waffle_Twat
Lacey Banghard’s name already sounds like she’s a porn star, but in reality she’s only a British nude glamour model. We have loved Lacey from her Page 3 topless appearances for years now. And while we have a lot of respect for Lacey, and anyone’s privacy, she was hacked recently in the Fappening 2.0. And her monster black cock sucking pictures are now part of everyone’s daily business. It’s a little beyond our uncensored limits to show you the raw leaked shots. We edited them to blur out the least amount possible, but still not cross into porn. If you just need to see Lacey sucking black cock, you can see the uncensored pictures over here.
Black Cock, Dick, Lacey Banghard, Leaked Nudes, Oral, Oral sex
Freezing your dick and pussy is what’s new. It is a new service offered by Cryotherapy UK, which they are calling the “Love Mist.” It is for both men and women, administered by trained professionals (meaning, don’t try to freeze your ball sack at home). It is supposed to boost endorphin levels and sex drive, and enhance appearance. According to Cryotherpay, getting your nuts blasted improves sex drives because “when the sub-zero temperature covers the skin, the sudden drop in heat stimulates the temperature receptors”. It causes the blood vessels to undergo “vasoconstriction,” producing quicker blood flow and increased endorphin levels, and a natural high. As to appearance, the company said, “While the skin continues to feel the ‘freeze’ the body sends signals back and forth to the brain. These messengers tell the brain if there is damage to the tissues, to repair them.” Cryotherapy added, “It’s this that along with the instant endorphin level energy boost and natural high, generates a tighter, youthful, clear and vibrant genital skin appearance through boosting collagen.” As to the process, a trained professional hits your dick or pussy with a -160 degree vapour blast from a liquid nitrogen tank. The nitrogen is filtered and distributed through a funnel. It is a 30-minute treatment, and costs £50 (or $62).
Balls, Cryotherapy, Dick, Endorphins, Freeze, Genitals, Liquid Nitrogen, Nitrogen, Pussy, Sex
MAN CLAIMS BIGGEST DICK IN THE WORLD AND THAT FUCKER IS A 19″ MONSTER, SO KINDA HARD FOR HIM TO PLAY HIDE THE SALAMI
Roberto Esquivel Cabrera, 54, lives in Saltillo, Mexico, and he has the largest dick in the world. His monkey clocks in at 19″, so spanking that fucker is a full-time job, plus overtime. Before women all over the world start getting wet with anticipation, in reality, Roberto really only has a 7″ dick and a 12″ extended foreskin. So, we can’t exactly say that counts. But Roberto has hope. He hopes to get into the Guinness Book of World Records, but it doesn’t have a dick size category. In September 2015, the World Record Academy did recognize his super cock at 18.9″ in length and a tip circumference of 10″. He submitted to an x-ray to confirm that his anaconda is real, and as we said, that all depends on how you define penis size. But there is something there, as Roberto says he weighed his member, and all that man meat came in at two pounds. Roberto keeps his dick under wraps, always. He says that’s because it makes him feel more “comfortable.” A freakishly large and we assuming unsightly dangling oversized appendage can do that to a man. Now, some men might think having a near 2-foot-long cock is like winning the lottery. According to Roberto, “I cannot do anything, I cannot work, and I am disabled so I want authorities to declare me as a disabled person and give me support.” According to a news article, “[Roberto] survives on social assistance and scavenges for food and materials on waste dumps. He has no friends and says people ‘shun’ him wherever he goes.” But Roberto still has hope. He says, “I’m happy with my penis,” and that “I know nobody has the size I have in the world.” He hopes to move back to the United States, find a woman that is comfortable getting lubed to hell and back to take his monster cock, and become a porn star.
Biggest, Cock, Dick, Man, Penis, Roberto Esquivel Cabrera
It is NSFW optical illusion time, boys and girls. And time to question whether this is a picture of a boy or a girl. It is a girl of course, a cute one, posing in a t-shirt, shorts and leopard-print high heels. She just happens to be the victim of bad lighting. This picture of her has gone viral. Cause it looks like she’s got a giant dangling white cock in between her legs. But it’s just a shadow. But it does really look like a big dick.
Dick, Girl, Optical Illusion, Penis, Picture, Shadow, Transexual, Viral
Former porn star Mia Khalifa has trolled some of the best college athletes and made them look like fools for attempting to creep into her DMs. But when she went out to troll Philadelphia Sixers center Joel Embiid, it backfired on Mia hard, cause Joel rode Mia’s ass hard with the perfect response. Mia posted a picture on her Instagram page of Joel and fellow Sixers, saying “Room full of L’s.” Joel didn’t take the slight too kindly, and responded, “Says the woman with miles of D.” Mia promptly replied on Twitter, “Lesson learned: don’t mess with the Sixers.” We doubt Mia has learned her lesson, but she just isn’t ready for the pros. In case you were wondering, there are 63,360 inches in a mile. Now assuming that the average porn star penis is 9″ long, Mia would have had to have teen 7,049 dicks to get to a mile, so miles may be a bit over the top, but point well taken, Joel.
Dick, Instagram, Joel Embiid, Mia Khalifa, Miles, Philadelphia, Porn, Porn Star, Sixers
Graphic NSFW graffiti murals are popping up in the heart of Belgium, and Brussels residents are less than enthusiastic. Residents of the Saint-Gilles neighborhood woke up over the weekend to discover a giant cock painted in black and white in front of a Catholic institute. Another mural of a nude woman with her legs open and masturbating popped up on Rue des Poissonniers. The two images have gone viral on Facebook and other social media. Somehow no one knows who climbed up and spent hours painting a giant cock and nude woman on the side of buildings. Some have tried to place the blame on a famous graffiti artists from Brussels, Bonom. But when tnterviewed by the RTBF, the French artist denied it, saying, “It is not me of course and I do not want to be involved in this story!”
Belgium, Brussels, Cock, Dick, Grafitti, Graphic, Murals, NSFW
Having the biggest dick known to man should be the best thing in the world. But for 20-year-old Kenyan Sorence Owiti Opiyo, his super-swollen dick is about as bad as life can get for a man. Nobody has given exact dimensions of his dick, but it has been compared to the size of a newborn baby. And of course we found uncensored pictures of his super-sized Johnson. And the thing is not kidding the size of a newborn baby, if not bigger. It is a medical condition that so far hasn’t be given a name. We were thinking of going Latin, and calling it magnis phallus, or maybe giving a nod to Sorence’s suffering and calling it Opiyo’s Disease. Whatever you call it, his penis has swelled to the size of a watermelon, and is deformed at the end, as a result of his condition. He had to drop out of school because he was teased, and cannot have sex, cause no woman wants that massive thing bulldozing her uterus. Nor does she want her vagina stretched to the point of permanent vaginal gape. Sornce released pictures of his massive dick and is telling his story because he needs help to find a doctor to help relieve him of his burden and give him back a normal life. It is actually kind of sad when you think about it. Cause, we know now, the porn offers are going to start rolling in. There are of course at least a few porn stars willing to take a shot at deep throating or sliding on top of Sorence’s gigantic hog. We expect most men will take “a bigger dick” off their Christmas list this year, after having read this article.
Cock, Dick, Kenya, Kenyan, Penis, Sorence Owiti Opiyo
While we would ordinarily rejoice at the prospect of nude sculptures of a female presidential candidate cropping up all over the nation, because Hillary Clinton is the female presidential candidate, we are happy that no one has undertaken that effort. If someone had, they would of course be waking to cries of sexual assault and rape. But since it was Donald Trump who found himself on the short end of someone’s satirical stick, it is all in good fun. And these days, it seems a lot of the “fun” of this presidential election seems to be directed to the size of Donald Trump’s dick and balls. Maybe he has a micro penis. Maybe he doesn’t. We’ll never know because we aren’t ones to much care, except if it was prominently featured in a sex tape with Melania or hell any of the hot women that Donald Trump has served up the pinky winky. We don’t have a sex tape. All we got are nude statues of Donald sprouting around the U.S., New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Cleveland and Seattle to be exact. Some artists named who signs “Ginger,” a Las Vegas sculptor, made the statues on the for the anarchist street art collective known as Indecline. Indecline called the art project “The Emperor Has No Balls.” Ginger specializes in creating monsters for horror films and haunted houses, and was quoted as saying, “Trump is just yet another monster, so it was absolutely in my wheelhouse to be able to create these monstrosities.” He also told WaPo that he felt an increasing resentment against his statues as Trump’s controversial politics continued to anger him. Someone claimed that the New York Parks Department took this position on the unauthorized installations, “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.” We find that hard to believe. But the sooner we get done with talking about Donald Trump’s dick and balls, the better we’ll start feeling.
Balls, Dick, Donald Trump, Ginger, Indecline, Penis, Statue, The Emperor Has No Balls
According to the British National Health Service, you can break your dick, because “There are no bones in the penis, but the tubes that fill with blood during an erection can burst. Blood pours out of them inside the penis and causes a very painful swelling. Reported cases of penile fracture are rare, but it’s thought that some men are too embarrassed to report it to their doctor. Damage during sex, where a partner is on top, is responsible for about one-third of all cases. The breakage usually occurs when a man’s penis slips out of his partner and is violently bent.” Basketball player Dennis Rodman recently shared three stories of how he broke his dick, cause he’s a sex super freak like that.
Dennis recounted the first time, when “‘Me and my girlfriend, we were on the back of the boat in a king size bed and she said ‘I think I’m going to try something different,'” after a day of “partying” in Texas. “She told me to walk over there and told me to run and jump in her pussy.” Dennis just remembered a “crunch” and blood “everywhere,” with his girlfriend screaming, “Oh my God, he is dead.” Dennis reassured her though, “No honey. I just broke my dick.” (Not at all very reassuring.) The second time, Dennis was dating a lady named Tracey when he played for the Detroit Pistons, and while engaged in a sex act, he just recalls, “Crack, another one. I couldn’t do anything.” And as to the last dick breaking experience, Dennis said he was in a New York hotel room when his penis broke during sex, and “We go to hospital and my girlfriend is like, ‘Well you know, he has a problem with his penis.’ The woman comes up and says ‘Oh, I’ll be right back.’ She brought another doctor in, and then another one. I swear to God she just kept bringing people in. They told me I had a contused penis.” And Dennis claims, the next day a nurse asked for $25,000 for the X-ray pictures of his broken dick.
Broken, Dennis Rodman, Dick, Penis, Sex
For some reason, Nick Orlandino, the Chairman and CEO of Pipedream Products, a sex products company based in Chatsworth, California, decided it was a good idea to create a 12-foot, 4-inch-tall dildo and call it #KingCock. It was in preparation for the Adult Novelty Manufacturers Expo (ANME), a sex toy convention held every summer in Burbank, California. #KingCock is not kept in a cage. There is no blonde damsel in distress beneath waiting to get impaled by the ginormous dick. Though, we would probably pay to see that show. Nick recently opened up to the Huffington Post about his accomplishment and how he got so focused on a giant penetrator. “Two years ago, we made a wall of cocks featuring our product. It was the hit of the show, so I was trying to figure out how to out do myself.” And suddenly the idea hit him. He said, “My employees looked at me like I was crazy. But a few hours later, they came back and said, ‘We can do this.’” The biggest dick in the world took about three weeks to design, mold and sculpt. “We had to use aluminum air duct panels to make the shell and then put the rubber over this.” Donald Trump would likely be proud, it’s made in America. And it makes sense too, cause America girls are all about the big dicks. But this one may be more promotional than functional. There’s not enough lube in the world, to slip that in anyone’s ass. But Nick thinks there might be an opportunity when he’s in Germany for a convention. “They might be jumping all over it,” he laughed. “Germany is crazier, you know.”
While Guinness has yet to recognize this as the world’s largest dildo. Nick is moving on to his next big idea. “I think we might do the world’s largest vibrator or the world’s largest squirting dildo,” he said.
#KingCock, Cock, Dick, Dildo, Nick Orlandino, Pipedream Products
Comedian Elijah Daniel is hardcore. And perhaps, a little, he has a hard on for Donald Trump (cause what he did is a little stalker-ish). The 22-year-old Los Angeles based comedian became a best selling author after writing a 20-page erotica novella, entitled “Trump Temptation: The Billionaire and The Bellboy.” And then he tweeted out to his followers on May 14, 2016, “5k retweets and i’ll get a tattoo of donald trump sucking a dick on my leg.” He got 6,003. So, he did it. In talking with Fusion about his tattoo, and when asked whether he’ll have to explain it to people, he said, “Nope. Just gonna be like, here’s a tattoo of Donald Trump sucking a dick. I have Taco Bell tattooed on my hand, so that’s kind of an icebreaker for it. Like, here’s Taco Bell on my hand, and here’s Donald Trump sucking a dick on my leg.” And when asked about the political sentiment behind his tattoo he responded, “The political statement I’m making is suck a dick. That’s my political views. Just suck a dick—I have no political affiliation anymore. It’s just: suck a dick, to everyone.” And added, “Yeah, not just to Trump, just to everyone. Suck a dick. Take it in any way.” Yeah, it’s still a little too stalker-homoerotic-angst-ish for our tastes.
Dick, Donald Trump, Elija Daniel, Tattoo
HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR HUNTER OSBORN DECIDED TO ROCK OUT WITH HIS COCK OUT, CAUGHT 70 CASES OF MISDEMEANOR AND FELONY CHARGES
Talk about getting your dick put in a vice. Hunter Osborn is an Arizona high school senior who accepted a dare to pull out his cock for his high school football picture. Among some 60 or so other players, Hunter stood with his dick dangling. It was published in the yearbook, which was distributed to over 1,000 students, 250 of whom actually got the yearbook. The rest the high school retrieved before more students saw the dick pic. Hunter is now facing 69 misdemeanor counts of indecent exposure and one felony count of furnishing harmful items to minors. Mesa Public Schools issued a statement condemning “the students involved in the photograph.” Alex Labban, creator of the Change.org petition “Free Hunter Osborn,” said the school is using Hunter’s cock as a scapegoat. “He wasn’t the editor that approved it or the teacher responsible for publishing it and distributing it to students,” Alex wrote. “The teacher responsible for the yearbook should be fired. Red Mountain High School is using him as a scapegoat instead of taking any responsibility.”
Lucky for everyone involved, Hunter was 18 at the time he decided to cock flash the entire school’s yearbook. Hunter told police he was acting on a dare from another football player, when, according to the charges, “he exposed his penis through the top of his waistband of his football uniform pants.” Hunter is now repentant. He told police in an interview that he knowingly exposed himself but was “disgusted by what he had done.” We could only find the blurred version. Now that Hunter is completely fucked from ever finding a decent job, we suspect he’ll soon be getting an offer to do porn.
Arizona, Cock, Dick, Football Team, High School Yearbook, Hunter Osborn
Women have one more thing to bitch about in the battle of the sexes and gender inequality. College women are sucking dick like dicks were going extinct. But college guys are not showing the same love for the pussy. A new study by the Trojan Sexual Health Division of Church & Dwight Canada shows that women in college are giving more oral sex than they’re receiving. The study surveyed 899 heterosexual Canadian college students, and found that 63% of the men surveyed reported receiving oral sex as part of their most recent hookup, but only 44% of women could say the same. And women seem to be noting the disparity. Men surveyed were more likely than the women surveyed to describe giving oral sex as “very pleasurable,” with 52% of male students saying they were really excited about going down (because they are eating pussy less often), versus only 28% of female students (because they’re sucking dick till their jaws go numb). Guess it sucks to be a girl in college.
College, Dick, Men, Oral sex, Pussy, Research, Sex, Study, Survey, Women
Project Consent is trying to make sex and consent simple with a plastic dick and pussy. The videos promote a simple message: “Some people think the issue of sexual consent is complicated. We think it’s pretty simple. If it’s not yes, it’s no.” Project Consent “is a non-profit, volunteer-based campaign that aims to combat and deconstruct rape culture by raising awareness of the harmful way with which it is regarded in society, educating our audience about the disparity of discussion of sexual assault, and promoting positive dialogue about the importance of consent. Our mission is to advocate for a future in which sexual abuse is not trivialized by the world around us. Through our work, we hope to inspire our followers to join our movement in the hope of ending rape culture once and for all.” We just like watching a big plastic dick and pussy. Sometimes the most simple things are the most amusing.
Cartoon, Dick, Plastic, Project Consent, Pussy, Video