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DAMN FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP CAN’T CATCH A BREAK, LIL’ BOW WOW JUST THREATENED TO PIMP HER OUT

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We have no idea what society has come to. There is just no respect anymore, not even for revered institutions like the Office of the First Lady. Who hates on a First Lady? And at a point when we have the sexiest First Lady ever, who posed nude, why all the hate? Well, perhaps because her husband, President Donald Trump inspires it. Like today. Snoop Dog made a video shooting a Donald Trump look-a-like in the head. It was probably over the line. Again, no respect. But it ain’t like Donald is all that respectful himself. So if you can’t take it, don’t dish it out. And it’s Snoop Dogg, so no harm, no foul, and it was funny. So Donald Trump being Donald Trump, did what Donald Trump ordinarily does: he tweeted. The president said, “Can you imagine what the outcry would be if @SnoopDogg, failing career and all, had aimed and fired the gun at President Obama? Jail time!” And then Lil Bow Bow of all people jumped into the beef to say, “Ayo @realDonaldTrump shut your punk ass up talking shit about my uncle @SnoopDogg before we pimp your wife and make her work for us.” Snoop is at least really fucking funny when he does something. We can’t say as much for Bow Wow. And still we continue to empathize with our favorite naked First Lady.

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DID JOURNALIST JUST SAY FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP DID “REALLY SLEAZY PORN”? THE FUCK YOU SAY?

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Journalist David Cay Johnston appeared on Rachel Maddow’s NBC show on Tuesday to report on the first two pages of one of President Trump’s undisclosed income-tax returns. During the interview, and a brief exchange talking about Melania Trump, who was not involved with Donald Trump’s businesses as they were discussing, David out of nowhere took a shot at Melania that, “she did do some very sleazy porn.” Boom. Zinger. Now, Melania has already sued a blogger who called her a “high-end escort,” and The Daily Mail for repeating the false story, in a $150 million libel lawsuit. Better watch out David. Calling the First Lady a porn star. We see one of those New York style pig fucks coming, and David will wish he was a gay for pay porn star, in comparison to the way he’s likely to get fucked raw by the First Family. We are standing by the First Lady, cause we are big fans of her nude work.

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EMILY RATAJKOWSKI RATS OUT SLUT SHAMING NYT TIMES REPORTER THAT CALLS MELANIA TRUMP A “HOOKER”

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It has been a rough couple weeks for reports calling the First Lady a prostitute. Melania Trump recently filed a $150 million lawsuit against Daily Mail for merely repeating the suggestion (made by others) that she was a former prostitute. And now model Emily Ratajkowski is outing a New York Times reporter for calling her a “hooker”. According to Emily, on Twitter, “Sat next to a journalist from the NYT last night who told me ‘Melania is a hooker.’ Whatever your politics it’s crucial to call this out for what it is: slut shaming. I don’t care about her nudes or sexual history and no one should.” We see another lawsuit coming. To be fair though, he was really hooker shaming, not slut shaming Melania.

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NUDE PHOTOS OF MELANIA TRUMP JUST DROPPED, AND WE’RE NOW VOTING REPUBLICAN

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There is an undeniable truth, that Republican woman are generally hotter than Democrats. Take Fox New anchors, it’s just like a beauty pageant, but with all the sexual harassment allegations going on over at Fox, maybe that’s not the best of examples. But here’s a good example, our potential next First Lady, Melania Trump. The New York Post just dropped several nude pictures of Melania from a shoot she did some time ago in New York that had never seen the light of day (or at least in limited circulation). Now, if Melania was a Democrat, first she’d be ugly and no one would care, but two, liberals would be screaming sexual assault. But she’s a Republican. So no dice on either front, which makes it safe to go forward, not that that’s ever stopped us before. Then-25-year-old Melania Knauss posed nude in a photo spread for a now-defunct French men’s magazine in Manhattan in 1995, according to Alé de Basse­ville, the French photographer who shot the pictures. “Melanie was super-great and a fantastic personality and she was very kind with me,” de Basseville said, and added that Melania never once felt uncomfortable posing for the nude pictures.

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The spread appeared in the January 1996 issue of Max. “I think it is important to show the beauty and the freedom of the woman, and I am very proud of these pictures because they celebrate Melania’s beauty,” Ale said. Donald Trump distanced himself from the risqué nudes, saying, “Melania was one of the most successful models and she did many photo shoots, including for covers and major magazines. This was a picture taken for a European magazine prior to my knowing Melania. In Europe, pictures like this are very fashionable and common.” We searched high and low for uncensored versions. But whomever has them is not sharing. We’ve seen only two variations, censored and heavily censored. We went with the former.

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THE SCANDAL OF THE 20TH CENTURY: JACQUELINE KENNEDY ONASSIS NUDE (IN HUSTLER OF ALL PLACES)

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How o’ how did Jackie O’s classy hairy bush make it into Hustler magazine? It was the scandal of 1975 (probably the entire century), and earned the former First Lady, Jackie O, a new moniker, the “Billion Dollar Bush.” In Christopher Andersen’s book, released last year, entitled “The Good Son: JFK Jr. and the Mother He Loved,” Chris cites sources saying it was none other than the big O himself, Aristole Onassis. “Ari gave ten photographers detailed maps and time plans of when ‘The Widow’ would be on the beach in Skorpios. The nude shots splashed all over magazines and newspapers worldwide, earning Jackie the moniker ‘Billion Dollar Bush’, and affording her children years of cruel bullying. The full-frontal images caused a sensation when they ran in the Italian skin magazine Playmen and were then picked up by Larry Flynt’s Hustler.” It was the beginning of the end, as Ari then went to his lawyer for a divorce. Jackie was livid that her big bushy pussy was seen by the world. Though, Ari died shortly before the big Hustler release, in March 1975, and before the divorce was final. Jackie made out like a scorned wife should, banking $20 million (instead of the $3 million in her prenuptial). And all is well that ends well. Hopefully, for Ari’s sake, the Billion Dollar Bush was worth it.

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GREAT FAP GIVES INTERESTING FIRST LADY PORN STAR LOOK-A-LIKES

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When we heard about Great Fap, a website that allows you to download anyone’s picture and then returns you a list of porn star look-a-likes, so you can masturbate to a similar face, we thought to ourselves, we need to put this to the test. “There’s a trend in the US for people to look for porn featuring people they, like, know,” 22-year-old co-founder Harry Manno told Forbes. “We wanted to assist in that,” he continued. “You can already scour the internet to find people who look like the person you have in mind, but we are cutting out a big step.” Great Fap helps you find porn. “Most porn sites aren’t innovative,” said the 23-year-old co-founder Justin Zablocki, addressing the stagnancy of such big players as Pornhub. “They all stick to the same general model, offering you just a few ways to search for different content. We wanted to change that.”

[Explicit Video: Kayla Kayden, Dripping Wet on Brazzers]


First we wanted to know if the facial recognition software worked. So we downloaded a picture of porn star Romi Rain. And, sure enough, Romi Rain was the first porn star look-a-like, at 93% similarity. Good enough, we thought. So we said, what about the first ladies of the United States (we would have done the presidents, but Great Fap only allows females at this point), who are their porn star look-a-likes, in case we wanted to masturbate to first lady porn? Well, here are the returns:

1. Michelle Obama (Charley Chase 76%, Allie Haze 68%, Pinky 67%)

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2. Laura Bush (Allie James 64%, Deauxma 64& and August Ames 63%)

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3. Hillary Clinton (Naughty Allie 73%, Jessica Lynn 67%, Velicity Von 65%)

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