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THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE IS NOW FRANCE, AT LEAST AS MISS UNIVERSE IS CONCERNED

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French beauty queen Iris Mittenaere, 24, is now the world standard of beauty, winning the Miss Universe contest over the weekend. And before you start to say the ideal of beauty has always been euro-centric, no European country has won the pageant since Amparo Muñoz of Spain was crowned in 1974. France hasn’t won since 1953. “I think France and Europe really need a Miss Universe,” Iris was quoted as saying, and adding after the show, “We need good news in France, and I think this is very good news,” predicting her victory would get more Frenchman to watch. Raquel Pelissier, Miss Haiti, was first runner-up, and Andrea Tovar, Miss Colombia, was second runner-up. Mary Were, Maxine Medina and Chalita Suansane, of Kenya, the Philippines and Thailand, respectively, finished the top six. Steve Harvey got it right this time, with a little help. Right before he announced the winner, Miss Philippines Pia Wurtzbach (the winner last year, who Steve mistakenly said was the runner up), tapped him on the shoulder and handed him reading glasses. “Thank you. Thank you so much, Pia,” Steve said. “A year late, but thank you. Thank you, God.”

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Iris didn’t fuck up her final question. She was asked whether countries have an obligation to accept refugees, an obvious reference to United States President Donald Trump’s controversial executive order. But Iris sailed by the issue, saying, “Countries should have the right to open or close their borders … In Europe we have open borders. In France we want to have the most globalization that we can. We want to have the biggest exchange of people that we can. Maybe someday that will change in the future, but now we have open borders. So having open borders allows us to travel more through the world and find out more of what’s out there in the world.” We would definitely welcome French refugees like Iris.

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MEET ALICIA MACHADO WHO DONALD TRUMP ALLEGEDLY CALLED “MISS PIGGY”

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After Hillary Clinton named dropped Venezuelan nude model and former Miss Universe Alicia Machado, Alicia has been at the epicenter of a social and news media storm. In the presidential debate, Hillary accused Donald Trump of calling Alicia “Miss Piggy” and “Miss Housekeeping,” saying, “And one of the worst things he said was about a woman in a beauty contest — he loves beauty contests, supporting them and hanging around them — and he called this woman ‘Miss Piggy,’ then he called her ‘Miss Housekeeping’ because she was Latina. Donald, she has a name. Her name is Alicia Machado. And she has become a US citizen and you can bet she is going to vote this November.” Donald seemed to be caught off guard at the debate, saying repeatedly, “Where did you find this?” Since the debate, Donald has gone on the offensive and said on “Fox and Friends” that, while denying Hillary’s allegations, Alicia had “gained a massive amount of weight, and it was a real problem.” Back in 1996, Donald told reporters, “She weighed 118 pounds or 117 pounds and she went up to 160 or 170. So this is somebody who likes to eat.” On a recent media call, Alicia said, “For me, this election has been like a bad dream, watching this guy again do the stupid things and stupid comments so misogynous and so machista.”

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But as the media looks into Alicia more, she hasn’t exactly been a model citizen or example for Hillary Clinton. According to reports, in the late 1990s, after her reign as Miss Universe, Alicia was accused of abetting an attempted murder committed by her then-boyfriend, by reportedly driving the getaway car. She didn’t face charges, but the judge in the case said that Alicia had threatened to kill him, which she denied. Asked about her role in the attempted murder, Alicia told Anderson Cooper: “I have my past. Of course, everybody has a past. And I’m not a saint girl. But that is not the point now.” And for her part, Alicia also had choice words for Donald’s wife, that were less than feminist. Alicia said,“I don’t see anything about this girl. She’s a doll. She’s a decoration.” News outlets also were quick to dredge up Alicia’s reality show past, where she had sex in front of the cameras with Spanish TV host Fernando Acaso while engaged to Philadelphia Phillies baseball star Bobby Abreu (he quickly called off the wedding afterward). The reality show aired Fernando on top of Alicia, with her whispering in Spanish, “Oh your dick, my love, what a tasty dick! Your dick is divine,” moaning as they had sex.

People keep digging now that Alicia is a household name. We stopped at her nude pictures for Playboy. We kinda doubt Hillary will continue to use Alicia, but we doubt that will stop Alicia from continuing to capitalize on her newfound media attention. We’re tempted to accuse Alicia of fame whoring, but we don’t need Hillary Clinton dropping our name in the next debate.

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OLIVIA CULPO BIKINI IN CABO, MEXICO

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Olivia Culpo is a standout even among Charlotte McKinney and Chantel Jeffries, all three of whom were on eye candy duty for ME Cabo’s resort’s grand reopening celebration. The 24-year-old former Miss Universe was on the beach in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, over the weekend. Picture of Olivia were burning a hole in the Internet’s back pocket. And dirty old men everywhere couldn’t help but take notice.

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MISS COLOMBIA REJECTS PORN OFFER, BUT IS OPEN TO POSING NUDE

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Miss Colombia, who for a few brief minutes was Miss Universe (until producers figured out announcer Steve Harvey’s mistake and de-crowned her), received a million dollar porn offer from Vivid Entertainment. But according to ColombiaReports.com, Ariadna Gutierrez told Colombian celebrity magazine TV & Novelas that “I will never do porn,” adding “I would do nude as long as it is not vulgar.” While porn “does not go with my personality,” posing naked possibly would, she said. According to the 22-year-old former Miss Universe, “I have seen very beautiful nudes.” Nudity, of the tasteful variety, is a common path for many a beauty queen, so we’re not surprised to see Ariadna casting her rod out for nude feelers. We just have to wait and see who bites.

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CONSOLATION PRIZE FOR MISS COLOMBIA LOSING MISS UNIVERSE: ONE MILLION PORN OFFER

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There is little doubt that Miss Colombia, Ariadna Gutierrez, got the shaft, the long black Steve Harvey shaft. And it hurt. Getting crowned Miss Universe, only to have it ripped away after a few minutes, cause Steve announced the wrong winner, that was Miss Philippines, Pia Alonzo. But there is a consolation prize. A $1 million consolation prize, if she wants to take it. Porn production company Vivid Entertainment offered Miss Colombia $1 million to do porn. Vivid president Steven Hirsch had some compelling arguments. “Try to think about the names of former Miss Universe or Miss America title holders. The only name that most people remember is Vanessa Williams. The main reason is that her nude photos appeared in Penthouse Magazine and as a result her Miss America Title was withdrawn from her. Today Vanessa is an accomplished actress, singer and author. She has even admitted that the incident with Penthouse helped rather than hurt her career. Celebrity sex tapes have enhanced the careers of stars such as Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, Pamela Anderson and many others. Here’s my idea. I will pay you up to $1 million to both make movies for and represent Vivid Entertainment. You will pick your partners, the type of sex you want to have and how many movies you ultimately appear in. In addition we will commission the making of the first Vivid Girl crown for you and we believe it will be grander than anything Miss Philippines will ever wear.” Not a bad deal. A million and a crown. No word from Ariandna.

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STEVE HARVEY FUCKED UP ROYALLY, HE ANNOUNCED THE WRONG MISS UNIVERSE WINNER

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If you watched the Miss Universe pageant last night, you know what went down. If you didn’t, you can watch it over and over and over again on YouTube below. Steve Harvey, the host of the event, didn’t exactly understand how the cue cards worked. He announced Miss Colombia as the winner of the Miss Universe pageant, when in fact Miss Philippines won. After Miss Colombia was crowned with the tiara and sash, and stood in front of a cheering crowd for what seemed liked forever, Steve had to come back out and crush her dreams in front of the world, admitting to his mistake. It was classic. We doubt we’ll see Steve hosting Miss Universe next year. Not the least of which because (in addition to his dumbass misdeclaration) after the biggest fuck up in television history, he tweeted, “I want to apologize emphatically to Miss Philippians and Miss Columbia. This was a terribly honest human mistake and I am so regretful.” Steve later took down the post, regretful even more because he couldn’t correctly spell Philippines or Colombia. It was just a bad night for Steve.

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MISS USA AND UNIVERSE OLIVIA CULPO IS IN ESQUIRE MEXICO

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Olivia Culpo hit the beauty pageant circuit hard, blowing the doors off in her first try. Her first pageant was Miss Rhode Island 2012. She won. And she then won Miss USA 2012 only a few months later. And then she won Miss Universe 2012, making her the first woman in the US to win since Brook Lee in 1997. Sadly, after winning Miss Universe there isn’t anywhere to go but down. There aren’t any bigger pageants. Now, we’re not saying Esquire Mexico is a step down, where Olivia appeared recently. But, we did believe that Olivia would finally bring about world peace as Miss Universe, so we could end that wish at the pageants, and its well shy of that. World peace takes time, and in Olivia’s case it may just be by removing one garment at a time. To start, Olivia’s taken the beauty queen image up (or down depending on your perspective) a notch to sexy lingerie model. A few more notches to go to get to nude, but she is descending back down to Earth quite nicely. World peace may just be here soon.

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MISS UNIVERSE AUSTRALIA 2015 MONIKA RADULOVIC WENT NAKED FOR THE WORLD

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Miss Australia 2015 (only recently crowned on June 5, 2105) Monika Radulovic is a Serbian refugee who moved to Australia Bosnia and Herzegovina during the war. Now the 24 year old is competing to be Miss Universe. So you know people went looking to see if she had ever posed nude or topless, and she has. But it’s of the tasteful variety. And this ain’t 1984, so unlike Vanessa Williams, we suspect that Monika will keep her title. But that Miss Universe may be questionable.

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MISS UNIVERSE IS PAULINA VEGA, BEATING OUT MISS JAMAICA WHO WAS THE SOCIAL MEDIA FAVORITE

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Miss Colombia Paulina Vega may have won Miss Universe last night, but it is Miss Jamaica Kaci Fennell that everyone is talking about. She placed 5th (4th runner up), to a crowd full of boos that Miss Universe hasn’t seen before. Yes, Miss Jamaica was incredible, and probably should have won. But that’s how these things go. The outrage is probably more directed that she placed 5th, instead of 2nd or even 3rd, which could have been justified. Cause Miss Netherlands looked like a transsexual (nothing wrong with trannies, we love them too, but we’re just saying, that ain’t exactly Miss Universe). Miss Ukraine looked like a cocaine whore, and that is a conservative dig. We are all for Miss Colombia Paulina Vega winning, however, because we favor girls with large asses like Paulina, over the thin waif model beauty looks of Miss Jamaica. We liked the Halle Berry pixie cut look, but we weren’t sold. We give Miss Jamaica a lot of credit for being an exceptional standout. “I don’t have long tresses like everyone else, I’m just representing myself and that’s what beauty pageants are all about,” Kaci said. “You don’t have to look a certain way … and I feel like I represent that.” Well, kinda you do, at least to win.

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Like we said, we were every bit behind Miss Colombia, cause we’re all about that booty, booty. The 22-year-old Miss Colombia, now Miss Universe, is from Barranquilla, Colombia and is supposedly studying business administration. Before winning she said, “It will be a dream come true to represent the woman of today. A woman that not only cares about being beautiful and being glamorous, but also cares about being a professional, intelligent, hard-working person.” We often quote musicians to bring home our point. And for those who feel Miss Jamaica lost because of her hair, we can only refer you to that master of lyrics and popular culture Sir Mix-A-Lot, who said “To the beanpole dames in the magazines. You ain’t it miss thing. Give me a sista I can’t resist her. Red beans and rice didn’t miss her.” Oddly enough, in this case, the sista who didn’t miss her red beans and rice, was Miss Colombia, not Miss Jamaica. But she should have come in 2nd.

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JENNIFER HAWKINS ASS IDOLATRY

Jennifer Hawkins is a former beauty queen turned celebrity, after having been crowned Miss Universe Australia and then Miss Universe 2004, as the hottest woman on the planet, and presumably in the universe as we know it. It’s been a while since her victory in Quito, Ecuador back in 2004, but Australia hasn’t seemed to have forgotten. Jennifer was out for the 12th Astra Awards in Sydney, displaying some incredible backside appeal. This is ass idolatry at its best.

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MISS VENEZUELA: WHAT THE HELL DID SHE SAY?

Miss Venezuela is incredibly hot, and made it into the top 5 in the Miss Universe pageant last night. But this completely incomprehensible answer to only a moderately difficult question made her look like the biggest idiot on the stage. All beauty, no brains…. This is literally what she said in response to the question, “If you could make a new law, what would it be and explain why?”


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Miss Venezuela: “I think that any leyes [Spanish for laws] are in constitution or in life are all ready made. I think that we should have a straight way to go in our similar or in our lives as it is. For example, I am a surfer and I think that the best wave that I can take is the wave I wait for it. So, please, do our only law that we can do. Thank you, Vegas!”



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HOTTEST WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE: OLIVIA CULPO

We told you about Olivia Culpo back when she won Miss USA. Well, now she can claim she is the hottest woman in the universe. She won last night’s Miss Universe pageant, beating out Brazil, Australia, Philippines and Venezuala, and replacing outgoing champion Leila Lopes of Angola. Because Olivia is Miss Universe, lucky Miss Marlyand Nana Meriwether becomes the new Miss USA. On winning, Olivia said “It’s such an honor to be representing the USA in an international beauty contest in spite of all the tragedy that’s happened in this country lately.” She added, “I really hope that this this will raise everybody’s spirits a little.” The 20-yeaold Olivia is currently a sophomore at Boston University. With her win, she receives an undisclosed salary, a wardrobe, an unlimited supply of beauty products, and a luxury apartment in New York City. Watch out for the underage drinking scandal that we’re calling for next year…

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Miss Philippines, Janine Tugonon, came in second, while Miss Venezuela, Irene Sofia Esser Quintero, took third.




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