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JOHANNA THURESSON NUDE ON THE ROCKS

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Somewheres in the French Riviera, Swedish model Johanna Thuresson was nude on the rocks. Johanna has the perfect dimensions for the runway, 5’10”, 30-24-34, and much of her body of work that we’ve seen has been fashion oriented, so we have to say, posing nude seems like a markedly new and refreshing twist for Johanna. We always like a twist.

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KIM KARDASHIAN POSTS NUDE PREGGO PIC TO INSTAGRAM, AND SOMEHOW THE WORLD SEEMS BACK IN BALANCE

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It has been a while, like a few weeks, since we have seen Kim Kardashian nude, and it was becoming unsettling. We were experiencing symptoms of withdrawal, like a heroine addict, with shakes, vomiting and sweats. It was, as we said, unsettling. Kylie Jenner turned 18, and we got nothing. Kim has been pregnant, so our hope that we would get our next Kim nude fix was dwindling, as our symptoms intensified. But Kim is not one to disappoint her legion of male followers, who crave to see her naked on the regular, or the legion of her female followers, who embrace the nude selife as a form of feminist expression. Well, Kim delivered to all who follow her. She posted a naked preggo selfie to Instagram, saying “First they say I’m too skinny so I have to be faking it…Now they say I’m too big so I have to be faking it…SMH! Some days I’m photographed before I eat & look smaller, some days I’ve just eaten & I look bigger. It’s all a part of the process. I think you all know me well enough to know I would document the process if I got a surrogate. Everyone’s body is different, every pregnancy is very different! I’ve learned to love my body at every stage! I’m going to get even bigger & that’s beautiful too! I’m blessed to even be pregnant & even luckier to not have preeclampsia as far as I know, so I don’t have the swelling issue this time! They also say your body carries a boy different than a girl! Whatever the case may be I’m grateful to God for this miracle & no matter what rumors or comments you throw my way this time they truly don’t affect me! #NoFilter #NoPhotoShop #GoodLighting.” Our interpretation, more nude preggo selfies to come.

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SOPHIA MARCEAU LET THE GIRLS OUT FOR A SWIM

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You probably only vaguely remember Sophie Marceau from Braveheart and the James Bond film The World is Not Enough. And we mean vaguely. Sophie is known among her French compatriots more so than in the U.S. or much of the rest of the world, for that matter. But when 48-year-old French actress went topless, all other talents be damned, the world took notice. That’s how this thing works. We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it it again, nothing resuscitates a career faster than a good ole’ fashioned nude scandal. Welcome back, Sophie.

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WE OPEN STRONG WITH A TOPLESS ROSIE JONES

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Rosie Jones is a perennial, monthly, hell, daily powerhouse. It is hard not to love Rosie. So a Page 3 day that opens with Rosie Jones topless, is a pretty damn strong open in our book. That’s how we begin this work week. With Ms. Jones.

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PARIS HILTON CLAIMS SHE’S NATURALLY PERFECT

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Paris Hilton was recently talking herself up in an interview with New You magazine. The gist of it is Paris says she’s naturally perfect, thanks in part to her mother, but not even one ounce of Botox or any other plastic surgery. “I’ve never done any [plastic surgery] in my life,” she said. “People love making things up.” She added, “I have nothing against it; all my friends have done everything — boobs, nose, chin, cheeks. I live in Hollywood, so I’m used to seeing it. It’s just that I’ve never wanted to do it.” Paris explained that basically she is perfect. “I even asked my dermatologist if I should do [Botox], and he’s like ‘I refuse to do it to you … your skin is so perfect. I will not do it to you until you need it, and I don’t know if you ever will.’” But she does take a moment to give some credit to her mother. “I am very lucky that I listened to my mom through my young age,” she explained. “She told me to stay away from the sun, so my friends would be frying in the sun every day and now they all look much older and all have Botox.” We’re inclined to believe that Paris has not had much work done, definitely not breast implants. We’ve spent much of the morning comparing the size and shape of her breasts in her sex tape to a set of recent topless pictures, and we were convinced they are the same (though maybe with some extra lift). Maybe she is naturally perfect, it’s just one more thing for us lowly commoners to aspire to.

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NINA AGDAL GOES TOPLESS, AND OUR PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED

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Nina Agdal has an incredible topless out take from her shoot with Sports Illustrated Daily. We love the black and white nude. Like really love. Only yesterday we were singing the praises of Nina Agdal, who we have had a cyber crush on for years. Hopefully this leads Nina into a whole nude direction, with more full body nudes. Like other models, at some point you realize going nude pays. And it is only a matter of time before some hacker leaks your nudes anyway, and you lose the opportunity to get a big payday out of selling your nudes. This shows Nina Agdal is much smarter than Kate Upton, who waited to get hacked. But we always thought Kate was just a pair of tits and baby fat waiting to get old. But today is about Nina and the twins. What a show. Hallelujah!

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WE WISH STELLA MAXWELL WOULD FEED US CAKE

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Miley Cyrus does not cease to capture our attention and wonder, with her topless and nude antics. We’ve seen Miley nude so many times, it’s uninteresting, and frankly, Miley’s body isn’t much to brag about. But for some reason (we think it’s the money, obviously),it makes model Stella Maxwell happy, in her reported lesbian love relationship with Miley. And they look happy, as Stella recently feed a topless Miley Cyrus cake for a shoot in W magazine. We are green with envy. No, we don’t want to feed a nude Miley Cyrus, that bitch can starve. We want to be feed by Stella. So hot…

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THE EVOLUTION OF SABINE JEMELJANOVA

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We’d be lying if we said that Sabine Jemeljanova ain’t always been hot. She has. But from her first glamour model appearance to now, she has definitely evolved into one of the hottest models we have think of in our obviously limited, but still quite reliable, recent memory. And we couldn’t think of any better way to start, well, any day, than with Sabine topless, as she is for Page 3.

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HEIDI KLUM IN FULL BOSOM BLOOM (AKA TOPLESS)

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Somewhere in Italy Heidi Klum was on a beach. At some point she felt safe and secluded enough that she took off her top. Somewhere near Heidi was a paparazzi hiding behind a rock with a huge ass telephoto lens, and when she took off her top, he near climaxed all over his lens. Before that happened, he snapped off these shots that made their way onto the Internet, cause Heidi Klum’s tits are a matter of national significance. There was a time when this sorta thing was a cause for scandal. Today, it’s pretty commonplace, almost so as to be uneventful. But we’d be lying if we said it wasn’t a great event and the perfect transition into the weekend.

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JOANNA KRUPA IS NUDE AND BODY PAINTED FOR A GOOD CAUSE

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Joanna Krupa is teaming up with PETA to shame Seaworld for bringing marine life to children, for education, but mostly for entertainment and profit. We are all for whatever gets Joanna Krupa naked and body painted. So by the transitive property, we are for protesting Seaworld. If freeing the Orca’s meanings freeing Joanna Krupa’s nipples, then count us down for the cause. Shallow as it may be, you can’t say we ain’t consistent.

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CHRISSY TEIGEN IS LIKE NAKED, ALL DAY, ALL DAY

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There was a time when just catching a glimpse of Chrissy Teigen’s bare breasts was the predicate to a lawsuit. We should know. Chrissy’s lawyers have threatened to sue us at least once about her nakedness. But since then, it seems Chrissy can’t keep her panties on. It’s like damn, somebody sneezed, and…..Chrissy Teigen pulled down her panties for a shoot. Her ass, tits, pubes, everything are plastered everywhere. And we’re not saying that’s a bad thing. To the contrary. We like it. But we are just a little taken aback by the change. Sneeze. And……Chrissy Teigen just dropped her panties for Women’s Health. In the new issue, Chrissy dishes about her desire to have a big fat old ghetto booty (which at the risk of being racists, we are going to have to attribute to husband John Legend). “I would love to have a little fat on my sides so I can be sexy, curvy,” she said. “I’d love a big butt. But I just can’t get there.” Keep working girl, we would love you to have a big butt too.

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ALINA BAIKOVA NUDE IN MEXICO, CAUSE IT IS HOT DOWN THER’

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We are dispensing with a bit of pretense today. We are giving it to you straight, short and simple. No bullshit. No extra verbiage. Just what you need to know and that’s all. So, with that out of the way, we recently spotted Ukrainian sex pistol Alina Baikova nude in Mexico, shooting with Gavin O’Neill. We quickly felt this rush, this euphoria, which drained all the blood from our brains, and set it to other places, it was, it was….bliss.

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MISS USA 2012 OLIVIA CULPO IS NUDE FOR TREATS, REPRESENTING CORE FAMILY VALUES

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In 2012, newly crowned Miss USA Olivia Culpo was probably wondering where Miss USA would take her. Little did she likely think in 2015 it would be a nude spread for Treasts! magazine. But those are the breaks. Pretty faces are a dime a dozen. Getting naked is the only solid work if you aren’t tall enough to work on the runway. Olivia is 5’5″, and that leaves two options, nude model or porn star (if you want to stay in the model business, but there’s always trophy wife). So far, Olivia has chosen nude model, but porn star is never too far off, it’s just a matter of fragile sense of self worth and desperation. Olivia is nude for Treats! magazine. And she is quite pleased with her decision. When asked “Had you ever done nudes before? If not, what made you decide to do them with this shoot and treats!Have you been asked before?” she replied “As mentioned above, I have never done a nude shoot before. I had been asked, but honestly I did not feel comfortable because I was fearful of how it would be perceived. Once I realized this was an opportunity to express myself in a way I hadn’t before, in such an organic and candid sense, the experience became more about art and emotion than me as a physical being. That completely changed my outlook. So many people today strive for perfection, covering up who they really are in any way they can. I have been guilty of this too, but for this shoot I couldn’t hide. This was as real and raw as it gets.” Pretty much cause she couldn’t get much more naked.

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KAZANOVSKY GOES BLUE AND YELLOW FOR CALENDAR NUDES 2015

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Russian photographer Kazanovsky loves to photograph nude models for an annual service calendar. In 2015, he went blue and yellow. The calendar has been out for a while now, but we’re just seeing this video of his behind the scenes shoot. Since so much is in Russian (and right now, we’re just a little too under-caffinated to go to Google translate), we haven’t deciphered much else. But pretty Russian girls, nude, playing with wet paint, we think that’s an accomplished start to the morning.

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CHARLIE RIINA FINDS A TOPLESS GROOVE FOR 138 WATER

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Finding your place in life is important. When you know what your supposed to be doing on this Earth, it makes life that much easier and more fulling. Purpose. Charlie Riina seems to have found a purpose, posing topless to re-invigorate the 138 Water campaign. It is almost every other day we see Charlie topless somewhere with a bottle of water in her hands. You’ll get no complaints from us. We feel Charlie has found herself, her purpose, and we can only applaud it and hope it makes Charlie as happy as it makes the rest of the planet.

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THE CLERMONT TWINS ARE BACK TOPLESS FOR TERRY RICHARDSON

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We have been gushing so much over Alessandro Casagrande’s work, that we forgot all about our favorite pervert photographer Terry Richardson. But he is still in the grind doing his thing. He shot with the Clermont twins, Shannon and Shannade, a little while back and we covered it, cause that’s what we do. The identical twins are a melting pot of Jamaican, Indian, Chinese, and Haitian heritage. It all serves them well. We were impressed when they shot with Terry the first time around, so it was much to our delight to find out they are back working with Terry again. Nude, as you might expect from Terry. We didn’t exactly get the bachelorette tiaras, but it worked.

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