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FLORIDA MAN WANTS TO SHOW HIS DICK TO THE JURY IN HIS MURDER TRIAL, CLAIMS HIS GIRLFRIEND CHOKED ON HIS DICK

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Richard Henry Patterson, 65, wants to show is dick to the jury in his murder trial, which he thinks will get him off (in more ways than one). Richard (we don’t know if he goes by Dick, but for fuck’s sake we’ll assume he does) admitted he choked his girlfriend, Francisca Marquinez, 60, to death on Oct. 28, 2015. But he says she choked on his monster cock. And it was all an oral sex accident. He’s asked the judge if he can show his dragon dick to the jury to prove his case. He’s also got an expert witness and former Broward County Medical Examiner, Dr. Ronald Wright, to testify that Francisca’s death “is consistent with being accidentally sexually asphyxiated during oral sex,” according to documents filed in court. His lawyer, Ken Padowitz, said that viewing Dick’s massive dick is integral to understanding Dr. Wright’s claims. “Although the object to be viewed is not a place but a part of the human anatomy, it is material and relevant, the view by the jury is essential for them to fully understand the Dr. Wright’s testimony and the defense in this case,” he said in court papers. “My client is innocent and we are confident when the jury hears the evidence and the scientific evidence in this case, they are going to come back with a verdict of not guilty,” Dick’s lawyer told the Daily News. Dick’s got to explain his text to his daughter, where he said he “did something bad,” and he later told a friend, “I choked her. I choked Francisca.” What he claims he left out was he chocked her with his fat hog of a dick.

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MORE LEAKED WWE DIVAS, AS VICTORIA JOINS THE SEVEN SO FAR

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WWE Diva Victoria hasn’t worked in the WWE since 2009, moving to TNA and working independently and on Ring of Honor. But she is now the seventh WWE Diva to have naked pictures dropped in the seemingly never ending Fappening 2.0, after Paige, Summer Rae, Alexa Bliss, Charlotte Flair and ex-wrestlers Maria and Kaitlyn had nude pictures leaked. Victoria’s leaked pictures also come with a sex tape, with a doggie style cum shot and Victoria deep throating cock. We can only show the bathroom nude selfies, but it shouldn’t be too hard to Google and find the cum guzzling Diva’s video if you so desire.

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WAIT, ORAL SEX JOKES AREN’T POLITICALLY CORRECT ANYMORE, WAIT, THEY NEVER WERE

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Fox News is having trouble. But when you nuture a rape culture at your network that tends to happen. Fox News “The Five” host Jesse Watters ain’t no Bill O’Reilly, but he ain’t all puddin’ either. Jessie and friends were discussing Ivanka Trump getting booed at the W20 Summit in Berlin when talking about women’s rights. Jessie decided to add his own personal commentary, saying, “It’s funny the left says they really respect women and then when given the opportunity to respect a woman they boo and hiss.” And that would have been good if he stopped there. But Jessie couldn’t help himself. Maybe it is something in the water over at Fox News. He continued to say, “I don’t really get what’s going on here, but, uh, I really liked how she was speaking into that microphone.” Then he did an oral sex gesture as if he were Ivanka holding the microphone. Now, in Jessie’s defense, Ivanka was holding the microphone rather suggestively. And we doubt Ivanka’s never sucked a dick before. And we doubt that’s probably exactly how she would hold a dick while sucking it. And President Donald Trump has sexualized his own daughter in his own comments. But all that don’t make oral sex jokes politically correct again, like they never were. Clean it up Fox News. You’ve got dirty mouth. Maybe try Orbitz. Do it Ivanka style!

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ORAL SEX DROID IS JUST ALL KINDS OF WHAT THE FUCK

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We have been debating whether this Arlan Robotics Service Droid 1.0 video is a joke. We feel like someone is going to jump out at any moment and tell us we’ve been punked. But with almost 1 million views, we can’t ignore this video of Arlan’s oral sex droid. It’s not really a “droid.” It looks like a a sheet metal step stool that moves, that somebody put a plastic female head on and a cover over. But they say it works. What the fuck? So many times over, what the fuck?

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WEEKEND EDITION: LACEY BANGHARD SUCKING HUGE BLACK COCK LEAKED PICTURES

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Lacey Banghard’s name already sounds like she’s a porn star, but in reality she’s only a British nude glamour model. We have loved Lacey from her Page 3 topless appearances for years now. And while we have a lot of respect for Lacey, and anyone’s privacy, she was hacked recently in the Fappening 2.0. And her monster black cock sucking pictures are now part of everyone’s daily business. It’s a little beyond our uncensored limits to show you the raw leaked shots. We edited them to blur out the least amount possible, but still not cross into porn. If you just need to see Lacey sucking black cock, you can see the uncensored pictures over here.

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MISCHA BARTON SEX TAPE SHOPPED, CAUSE CRAZY GIRLS ARE SO HOT

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Someone is shopping round a sextape of actress Mischa Barton, 31, at an ask price of $500,000 and according to Kevin Blatt, Hollywood’s sex-tape broker, “I know that at least three large online porn sites, YouPorn.com, Porn.com and RedTube.com have reviewed it and they’re all seriously considering the offer. I’ve seen stills from the video, it’s clearly Mischa in my opinion. She’s seen performing a sex act on a guy and can be seen having sex in various positions.” The tape allegedly shows Mischa wearing a grey hoodie and nothing else having sex on a double bed with a man wearing just a black t-shirt. The setting is a little sketchy, a bedroom, with a bed that has a leather padded headboard and mirrored panels, with while coffee cups and an empty bottle of Gatorade on a bedside table. A sextape isn’t exactly what Mischa need right now, or it may be exactly what she needs to help her less than stellar reputation in the last few weeks. After an alleged “drug-induced” meltdown she was filmed by a neighbor hanging over a fence in her backyard and calling her mother a “fucking witch.” While she had a sexy photoshoot comeback earlier this month, a sextape is not the direction Mischa appears to have had in mind as her next move.

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Mischa responded through her lawyers. Lawyer Lisa Bloom said in a statement, “Ms Barton does not consent to any disclosure of any such images. She believes that she was recorded without her consent by someone she was seeing at the time. There’s a name for this disgusting conduct: revenge pornography. Revenge pornography is a form of sexual assault, and it is also a crime and a civil wrong in California. And we will not stand for it.” She addressed those those attempting to “traffic” the tape directly, saying, “We will come after you. We will fully prosecute you under every available criminal and civil law. You proceed at your peril.”

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AMANDA SEYFRIED’S TITS AND BLOWJOB PICTURES ARE OUT, CAUSE SHE JUST GOT HACKED

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Actress Amanda Seyfried, 31, recently had topless and oral sex pictures released in the most recent celebrity hack. Amanda is fully pregnant now, so the pictures were likely some time ago. They have neither been confirmed or denied by Amanda or her people. The two topless (one covered) pictures were pretty harmless. The third shows Amanda with a dick all up in her mouth (that of Justin Long). A quick Google images search doesn’t show the pictures anywhere, which lends toward credibility. Fakes are usually posted everywhere, but it is still early. We aren’t showing the oral sex picture, not for any moral reason, just because that’s the limit of our uncensored coverage. But you can see it here.

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STRAIGHT WOMEN CATCH THE SHORT END OF THE ORGASM STICK

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A study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, surveyed more than 52,000 people in the United States exploring the “orgasm gap” between genders and sexual orientations. They found that 95% of heterosexual men said they usually or always reached orgasm during sex, but then it declined: 89% of gay men said the same; 88% of bisexual men; 86% of lesbian women; 66% of bisexual women; and at the bottom of the barrel, 65% of heterosexual women. “We have a very large sample of gay, lesbian, and bisexual men and women who were recruited in the same way as the heterosexual participants. This is very rare,” lead researcher David Frederick, PhD, assistant professor in Health Psychology at Chapman University, said. “This allowed us to look at whether there are multiple orgasm gaps — the gap between men and heterosexual women, but also lesbian women being less likely to orgasm than men but more likely to orgasm than heterosexual women.” He added, one of the goals of the study was to “focus on what lesbian women might be doing differently than heterosexual couples to see if that might help identify ways to close the orgasm gap.”

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The biggest factor was oral sex, though with almost opposite result. Heterosexual women, lesbians, bisexual women and gay and bisexual men were more likely to orgasm when they received oral sex. Straight men were the only group with no link between oral sex and orgasm. While researchers said they were not surprised at this result, David said, “What did surprise us, however, is how few men and women actually routinely have oral sex. Fewer than half of people usually to always incorporate oral sex into their sex lives. Only 25 percent of women who rarely orgasm usually-always receive oral sex.” Other behaviors linked in the study to a greater number of orgasms in women included: asking for what they want in bed, praising their partner for something they did in bed, wearing sexy lingerie, incorporating more variety into their sex life, including date nights, massages, and light S&M, and engaging in “sexy talk” or expressions of love during sex. But don’t forget the key: oral sex.

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PORN STAR CARMEN VALENTINA PROMISED THE ATLANTA FALCONS BLOWJOBS AND SEX TO LOSE, AND LOOKS LIKE IT WORKED

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Porn stars Carmen Valentina and Lauren Phillips promised all of their Twitter followers a blowjob if the Patriots won the SuperBowl. #TeamBJ. And when that was looking like it wasn’t going to happen, Carmen came to the rescue. She said on Twitter, “I will fuck every member of the #falcons if they decide to throw the game. My #patriots fans deserve BJs #teamBJ #SuperBowl” and “Dear #Falcons if you decide to lose #SuperBowl I will gladly suck your dick and put you first in line. Lets go #Patriots.” And then all of a sudden, it was like the Falcons had given up and were letting the Patriots score. We can only speculate cause they wanted to score too. Maybe. Maybe it’s just a conspiracy theory. Either way, Carmen and Lauren Twitter fans are guaranteed blowjobs if they want them. #TeamBJ promised to release details on Wednesday.

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ROSE MCGOWAN SEX TAPE LEAKED

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Two videos of a combined several minutes of Rose McGowan, 43, nude and sucking dick have hit the Internet. Rose took to Twitter basically to say she didn’t give a fuck, in more politically correct terms saying, “I do not believe in shame.” But she hasn’t made any official comment on the leaked tapes. We tend to agree with Rose’s approach, cause what shame is there in being good at sucking dick? But for those of you who follow her Rose has had a tumultuous year, after a divorce and her revelations of rape at the hands of an unnamed Hollywood executive. So the don’t give a fuck attitude may be more of just putting things in perspective. For example, about the rape allegations, Rose penned an open letter saying, “Dear Hollywood, To the women and men in the entertainment industry who know exactly whom and what I am talking about, I say be brave. Do not work with those you know to be offenders or you are no better than they. Take a stand. You are culpable for your actions. Stop rewarding sociopaths. Every time you sanction abhorrent behavior, you are aiding and abetting a crime, that makes you no better than a criminal.” We don’t always agree with Rose, but rape is rape, and we agree that anyone should take a stand against rape. It is not clear whether the recent release had anything to do with her statements or just cause someone didn’t give a fuck either, but it is clear that at least that someone thought Rose should spend less time talking and eat a dick. We can’t exactly say we disagree with that either.

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PORN STARS ANGELINA CASTRO AND MAGGIE GREEN NOW OFFERING CONSOLATION BLOWJOBS TO EASE THE PAIN OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION RESULTS

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Porn stars Angelina Castro and Maggie Green promised to give all their Twitter followers blowjobs if Hillary Clinton won the election. Hillary failed. So sadly no mass blowjobs (affectionately known as a “blowbang”) are going out from #TeamBJ this year. But the porn stars would not be denied their opportunity to blow some random fans. Now as a consolation, they are offering blowjobs, but only two, one to a Trump voter and one to an anyone-but-Trump voter (meaning you could have thrown away your vote on Gary Johnson or Jill Stein, or some other nobody candidate or write-in and still get a blowjob). To qualify, fans must follow both Angelina Castro and Maggie Green on Twitter, must have voted and must tweet the girls telling why they should be selected for a blowjob. The girls will reveal the lucky blowjobees on TeamBJ.com.

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Reacting to the election, Angelina said, “I was really shocked when Trump won the election. Maggie and I absolutely planned on giving all our followers BJs if he lost. The country is completely divided. What better way to bring everyone together than with a BJ to both sides. I think we can bring even the most ardent Trump and Clinton supporters together with a BJ. I guarantee they won’t leave angry.” She added, however, “I am a citizen but Trump still might deport me when he gets in office for being too Cuban…. Hopefully he doesn’t revoke my papers by executive order!” Maggie said, “I was on the edge of my seat election night and was super bummed when Trump won. Our followers were incredibly disappointed. We still want to put a smile on the voters’ faces. There’s so much division in the country it would be nice to see people who don’t see eye to eye… get off together.” Angelina and Maggie explained further in this video:



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DEEP THROAT RECORD, QUEEN TWOTHORNEDROSE TAKES 34 INCHES DOWN

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No guy has a 34″ dick, so what Pornhub and Queen TwoThornedRose are calling a “deep throat” record, is really just her swallowing a balloon, like any circus sword swallowing performer. When the Queen swallows the biggest dick on Earth, even if less than 34″, well go ahead and call it a deep throat record. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t find her taking down 34″ of balloon dick entertaining. It is.

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ORAL SEX KEEPS WOMEN FAITHFUL, THAT IS, RECEIVING, NOT GIVING, SO CUNNILINGUS IT UP GUYS

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Women who are receiving oral sex on the regular are less likely to cheat on their men (or women as the case may be). So says science. Authors of a new study in Medical Daily tested to see if oral sex has a definitive evolutionary purpose for women, based upon a 2013 study of 243 men in long-term straight relationships. They found that women who regularly receive oral sex are more likely to be faithful, with oral sex representing a key strategy for men to retain their women and keep them happy. Medical Daily wrote: “The research showed that men who were most likely to report getting their partner to orgasm during oral sex were more likely to think their woman was sought after by other men. Therefore, the more eager men are to please partners believed to have better options the more likely they may be to perform cunnilingus to keep their mates from cheating.” So get to eating or she’ll be cheating. We keeps it simple.

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COLLEGE WOMEN ARE GETTING ON THEIR KNEES TO SLOG THE HOG, BUT GUYS NOT RETURNING THE FAVOR

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Women have one more thing to bitch about in the battle of the sexes and gender inequality. College women are sucking dick like dicks were going extinct. But college guys are not showing the same love for the pussy. A new study by the Trojan Sexual Health Division of Church & Dwight Canada shows that women in college are giving more oral sex than they’re receiving. The study surveyed 899 heterosexual Canadian college students, and found that 63% of the men surveyed reported receiving oral sex as part of their most recent hookup, but only 44% of women could say the same. And women seem to be noting the disparity. Men surveyed were more likely than the women surveyed to describe giving oral sex as “very pleasurable,” with 52% of male students saying they were really excited about going down (because they are eating pussy less often), versus only 28% of female students (because they’re sucking dick till their jaws go numb). Guess it sucks to be a girl in college.

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MICHIGAN IS AFFIRMING ITS BAN ON ORAL OR ANAL SEX…AND THAT’S NO FUN

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For some time the United States Supreme Court has said that laws banning sodomy are unconstitutional. But many states, some thirteen in total, still have these kinds of bans on the books. They were mostly used against homosexuals, but not all. And while still unconstitutional, Michigan has gained national attention for its Senate’s vote to pass legislation that continues to outlaw oral and anal sex as “the abominable and detestable crime against nature with mankind or with any animal.” But there was a good purpose behind it; no, really. The legislation is part of a broader package known as “Logan’s Law,” designed to keep pets out of the hands of animal abusers, but in doing so, Michigan refused to take out the “with mankind or” language, continuing to ban oral and anal sex among humans as “the abominable and detestable crime against nature.”

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Now, Michigan Republican Senator Rick Jones is defending his choice to keep the language in Senate Bill 219. “The minute I cross that line and I start talking about the other stuff, I won’t even get another hearing. It’ll be done,” he said. “Nobody wants to touch it. I would rather not even bring up the topic, because I know what would happen. You’d get both sides screaming and you end up with a big fight that’s not needed because it’s unconstitutional.” Rick’s view was that the better way to address it was by removing all unconstitutional laws from the Michigan books in one bill. “But if you focus on it, people just go ballistic,” he said. “If we could put a bill in that said anything that’s unconstitutional be removed from the legal books of Michigan, that’s probably something I could vote for, but am I going to mess up this dog bill that everybody wants? No.” Maybe. But you may want to be careful in Michigan, cause they seem pretty serious about oral and anal sex. If it wasn’t an issue, it would have been easy to strike the language, but clearly Michigan ain’t havin’ it. No butt love, cause it’s the abominable and detestable. But if feel so good…just ask Kanye West.

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IT’S OFFICIAL, EATING PUSSY COULD KILL YOU

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Michael Douglas was right, eating pussy leads to cancer. So muff divers be warned. A new study published in the journal JAMA Oncology is the first to show conclusively that HPV-16’s presence in the mouth leads to the development of oropharyngeal cancer.
An earlier study in The New England Journal of Medicine which that those infected with HPV were 32 times more likely to develop oral or throat cancers. HPV now accounts for more head and neck cancers than tobacco or alcohol. The new study, from researchers at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, indicated that people carrying the virus in their mouth were 22 times more likely to develop a potentially lethal tumor. The finding was based on almost 97,000 people who provided mouthwash samples and were cancer-free at the beginning of the project. Dr Ilir Agalliu, of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, New York, said: “This study shows using easily collected oral mouthwash samples may help in predicting people’s risk for developing head and neck cancers.” He added, “Early detection of mouth cancer dramatically improves the chances of survival from 50 to 90 per cent – so it’s extremely important to be on the lookout for any signs and symptoms which could be related to the disease.” Dr. Agalliu said, “Be alert to mouth ulcers which do not heal within three weeks, red or white patches in the mouth and any unusual swellings or lumps in the head or neck area, and if you spot anything unusual to get examined straight away. Your dentist will check for signs of mouth cancer during your regular check-up so it is important that you visit your dentist regularly to catch any signs which you may miss yourself.” Or maybe, just cut back on eating the pussy, guys…and girls.

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