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IT’S NOT A PARTY UNTIL PARIS HILTON’S NIPPLES HAVE ARRIVED

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Coachella has really just become (for most who do not attend) a celebrity publicity opportunity for endless nipples shots. Paris Hilton, 36, did the nipple walk at Coachella, for the Neon Carnival on Saturday, the festival’s second night. She showed out wearing a black see through dress, braless, parading her breasts and nipples. You know it’s a party then.

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WHAT THE FUCK YOU SAY? CARL’S JR IS DROPPING THE HALF-NAKED BIKINI ADS

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After launching one of the most iconic American commercial series, featuring half naked-models and celebrities, like Charlotte McKinney, Kate Upton, Paris Hilton, Sara Underwood and Emily Ratajkowski, Carl’s Jr. says it is going back to burgers. With a newly released commercial announcing its new marketing philosphy, the company said, “‘Meet “our founder’, Carl Hardee Sr. After trusting the company to his son for a few years, Carl Sr. is back to focus on what we do best: making damn tasty food. Say goodbye to women in tiny bathing suits; now it’s all about grass-fed beef, hand-breaded chicken tenders, made-from-scratch biscuits and bacon on pretty much everything. We’re Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s. See why we’re Pioneers of the Great American Burger.” What the fuck? We felt the need to recap below…

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PARIS HILTON DROPPED SOME INFLAMED #VALENTINESVIBES

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Last week, the original sex tape queen, Paris Hilton, dropped a series of black and white pictures that she labeled, “#ValentinesVibes”. In a series of messages with the images, she said, “She doesn’t speak too much but she leaves the most interesting conversations. She is a thinker. She has her style. There’s something so deep in her eyes. That’s why everybody stares at her. She has a beautiful soul. She had a power & she’s not afraid to be different. She is the art….,” “She’s all about mystery, adventure & risk. And her heart was wild & full of magic,” “She has the soul of a gypsy. The heart of a hippie & the spirit of a fairy…,” and “She’s mad, but she’s magic. There’s no lie in her fire…” We could have done without the quotes, but the pictures were definitely fire.

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PARIS HILTON TAKING HER PUSSY OUT FOR A WALK ON THE BEACH

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Paris Hilton, 35, was on the beach in a maxi dress, say news reports, when along came a gust a wind, and you know how this story goes. Paris either wasn’t wearing any panties or as it appears, whatever cover she was wearing was adjusted to the side, and end result, Paris’ pussy is now splashed all over the Blogosphere. Having seen much more compromising video and pictures of Paris, this new “wardrobe malfunction” of a much older Paris, isn’t all that scintillating. And since you have to squint or blow up the picture quite a bit to see much, and even then it isn’t much, we can’t call this all that earth shattering. But it is another look at Paris’ pussy on a relatively boring Friday. What else have you got to do? Perhaps it can serve as good office masturbation material. Perhaps.

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THE KAPLAN TWINS TURNED KIM KARDASHIAN’S SEX TAPE WITH RAY J INTO AN ART INSTALLATION, “MAKE ME FAMOUS”

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While Kayne West may claim to have made that bitch, Taylor Swift, famous, there is no question that Ray J’s dick made his wife, Kim Kardashian, famous. And now two twins, Allie and Lexi Kaplan, are getting famous off Ray J’s dick and Kim Kardashian’s infamous video sucking it. The twins turned screenshots of the sex tape into an art installation with a series of paintings. It opened May 21st in Los Angeles. And it was Kim Kardashian everywhere. And so Kim didn’t feel left out, they also did scenes from Paris Hilton’s sex tape and paintings of Melania Trump. And on top of that, they also did nude selfies of themselves, topless and one we can only let the girls describe: “And then there’s one of us with chocolate smeared all over our butts and strawberries up our butts.” We didn’t exactly get that, cause it just looked like shit and blood, which is not at all sexy. But as the twins explain it, it’s all about examining celebrity exploration. They said, “We’re exploiting ourselves and we’re exploiting these works. And they’re exploiting themselves.” We really dig all the exploration going on, just not the chocolate covered asses and anal strawberries.

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PARIS HILTON’S BUTT CHEEKS

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Paris was in Paris. And Paris being Paris, wore a see through dress revealing her butt cheeks, the bottom part. The top half of her ass was covered by nude colored panties. We thought it apropos to recite a ditty from childhood, we see London, we see France, we see Paris’s underpants…and ass.

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PARIS HILTON’S PLUMBER ASS CRACK SHOW KINDA LOOKS LIKE PUBLIC URINATION

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Whether Paris Hilton copped a squat in an electronics store in Milan to pee in public (it’s Europe, so….), or just to show her panties and plumber ass crack to the world, we’ll never know. We surely hope we don’t see a vial of Paris Hilton mopped up urine on auction on Amazon.com. We just don’t need to see that. If we’re being honest, Paris Hilton has exhausted her value as a social media celebrity. She has faded where Kim Kardahsian has remained relevant for exactly the reason we are talking about Paris today, because Kim is willing to show her ass. And it seems, so too is Paris. We no longer believe in candid paparazzi shots. Everything is staged. Paparazzi photos are blurry and grainy and barely distinguishable as the celebrity claimed. And we don’t even trust those anymore. So here’s Paris showing her plumber ass crack to regain relevance, in what looks like a staged photoshoot. We buy that. Relevance regained.

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PARIS HILTON GOES ASS OUT, CAUSE DRESSES WITHOUT BACKS ARE MORE ECONOMICAL

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You can be fashionable and economical at the same time. Why pay for material to cover your ass when the trend is to publish your ass to the world anyway? Not that Paris Hilton needs to save money, but the original sex tape queen is putting her ass out there with the younger Jenner girls and many other celebrities, as less dress and more skin is in fashion. Paris put her ass into Paper magazine, the same one that nearly broke the Internet with Kim Kardashian’s ass. Paris was a bit more subtle than Kim, but comparing sex tapes, it’s always been that way.

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HILTON REMOVING PORN FROM HOTELS, BUT PARIS HILTON SEX TAPES WILL STILL BE AVAILABLE IN THE GIFT SHOP

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The biggest revenue generators for hotels is in-room porn. But Hilton Hotels is about to walk off that financial cliff and remove all porn from its hotel on-demand systems. Dawn Hawkins, executive director of The National Center on Sexual Exploitation, was overjoyed, saying “Hilton has taken a stand against sexual exploitation. Pornography not only contributes to the demand for sex trafficking, which is a serious concern in hotels, but it also contributes to child exploitation, sexual violence, and lifelong porn addictions. The National Center on Sexual Exploitation applauds Hilton Hotels for recognizing these harms, and is glad to announce that Hilton Hotels will be removed from the Dirty Dozen List.” Apparently the group has been lobbying Hilton hard, saying in its announcement that “Thanks to thousands of complaints from customers, and our leadership, Hilton has decided to make their hotels a safe environment and to no longer profit from sexual exploitation.” The “Dirty Dozen” list has such names as Facebook, Cosmopolitan Magazine, The United States Justice Department and others. We’re pretty sure Hilton is glad to be off that horrible list of names.

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NICKY HILTON SUFFERS FROM RARE HEIRESS DISEASE: DROOPY ASS-ATITUS

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Their is a Hilton children hierarchy. Paris is the Barbie plastic one you’d like to fuck. Conrad is the fuck up. And Nicky, Nicky is the ugly sister. She shares that distinction with Khloe Kardashian. And, being the ugly sister makes you the butt of many a joke. It’s not fair. But life isn’t fair. But recently, Nicky found herself the butt of our jokes (and many others) by her own doing, she put her ass out on the line, literally. Now, being the ugly sister, you want to do things that show you can be considered attractive. We can only imagine that’s what led Nicky to wear a partially transparent dress, that on Paris or Kim Khardasian would have looked sexy. Nicky’s ass, however, drooped down a little too low and hung out all over the transparent parts of the dress for a not so sexy look. Time to fly to Brazil, and get an ass lift. Easy fix for an heiress. If you like droopy asses, though, and there is a fetish for every unnatural perversion out there, you might just love Nicky’s droopy ass look for the Paris Fashion Week.

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CLEAVAGE SELFIE WARS: BRITTNY GASTINEAU VERSUS PARIS HILTON

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Paris Hilton is an inspiration to many. Her sex tape and reality television appearances launched the faux celebrity, get famous by showing your pussy movement that has defined the millennial generation. While Kim Kardashian may have made the sex tape a household name, Paris Hilton did it first. Who could forget “1 Night in Paris.” And Paris is still setting trends, this time around inspiring cleavage selfies. Paris’ widely talked about bathroom cleavage selfie on Instagram appears to have inspired Brittny Gastineau to do the same. It isn’t much of a contest though. In the cleavage selfie wars, Paris murdered Brittney, though we do have to give credit to Brittny for a valiant effort at competing with sex tape royalty.

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PARIS HILTON ADDS TO THE CELEBRITY NIPPLE OBSESSION

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Nipples, Nipples, Nipples. All anyone can see to talk about, or be worried about, is nipples. Some celebrities want to be flirtatious and show their nipples. Some celebrities are outraged that people are seeing their nipples. They’re just nipples, people. They’re technically not even a sexual organ. You can’t fuck a nipple. Most recent among celebrity nipple flashers was Paris Hilton, who, while out on the town, wore a black nipple-and-thong-revealing dress.

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HANNAH FERGUSON AND PARIS HILTON TOGETHER HAWKING CARL’S JR’S BURGERS

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“I love Texas” is the most recent of Carl’s Jr’s sexy hamburger commercials, featuring in this round both Sports Illustrated model Hannah Ferguson and Paris Hilton (making a return from her notable Carl’s Jr’s commercial previously in 2005). These days, Paris isn’t as big a Carl’s Jr. fan, she told one news outlet “There are times when I will stop at a Carl’s Jr., but I will maybe get a turkey burger or something healthier instead of a cheeseburger and fries. I am more careful now.” But that didn’t stop her from stripping down for Carl’s Jr. again.

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PARIS IS BRINGING KINKY BACK

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Paris Hilton is filming her new music video. No one really cares. What did get attention was Paris’ panty flash and her overall bondage, fetish look while shooting. No one is a real fan of her music, or much of anything she has to say, but that doesn’t mean she can’t look erotic and sexy while doing it. We’ll watch that.

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PARIS HILTON CLAIMS SHE DIDN’T MAKE ANY MONEY OFF HER SEX TAPE

In light of a recent a documentary premiering Friday on the ReelzChannel, called “Celebrity Sex Tapes,” analyzing sex tape icons Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Farrah Abraham and others, Paris is talking about her sex tape, “1 Night in Paris.” She recently told TMZ that she “never made a dollar” from her infamous sex tape, but that ““I make enough money in nice ways.” Kevin Blatt, who helped broker the original explicit footage of Hilton, however, disputes that claim. “Paris, you’re worth a billion dollars now — own it,” Blatt said. According to a source close to Paris, she did sign off on the tape in 2004, but all of the profits went to co-star Rick Salomon. Based on his taxes, Rick made $10 million almost exclusively from the tape in the first year alone. It must be nice, being a Hilton…

[Explicit Video: Madison Ivy, Sexual Performance Review on Brazzers]


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PARIS HILTON’S UNDERWHELMING RETURN TO MUSIC

Paris Hilton the artist is back. And you might have thought in her time away from music (7 years), she would have learned how to sing. You would be wrong. Very wrong. Paris’ new single “Good Time” featuring Lil Wayne is probably worse than her last debut, but she’s still hot. Speaking to MTV News, Paris said: “The video is so sexy and so much fun, I really wanted it to be colourful and full of life and my friend Kryoman flew out to be in it and he just makes the video so much fun like spraying all the CO2 canisters. He is the party machine basically. I love him. I’ve watched him. He performs with all the biggest DJs around the world, like [David] Guetta, Avicii, Calvin Harris so it was really cool to have him in my video because I know everyone in the dance scene really knows him and just having him as part of the party scene is really dope.”

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Now if Paris’d just learn to keep her mouth closed, or at least lip sync like Milli Vanili. Enjoy her NSFW music video, preferably with the volume turned off.



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