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CHANELLE MCCLEARY GAGS ON A BANANA COCK IN A CONDOM DEMONSTRATION CLIP

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Big Brother dropped an education clip of the show featuring Chanelle McClearly showing Isabelle Warburton how to put a condom on a penis, using a banana in lieu of an actual penis. It is amusing but tame. We were about to pass until Chanelle gagged on the banana cock while trying to deep throat it to put the condom on. It made up from 2 minutes that really didn’t go anywhere. It was the climax if you will. It starts off with some banter that makes you think it will be good, with Chanelle saying, “Sexual intercourse can come in many different forms. But ideally, the penis will enter the vagina.” Ideally, of course. But that really depends on who you ask, cause some girls like for the penis to enter the anus too. Chanelle continues, “Penises come in all different sizes. It could be little or big.” The banana was pretty big, which is why she gagged when taking it down. As we said, we were amused, briefly.

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USING GRAFFITI BACKDROPS FOR SENIOR PICTURES WILL LIKELY RESULT IN A BIG GIANT DICK IN YOUR PHOTOS

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Alexis Boatfield just noticed something out of place in her senior pictures. She posted one on Twitter, saying, “oh so no one was gonna tell me there was a big ass penis behind my head for my senior pictures???” Since posting, Alexis has found out that “dics in senior pics” is pretty common, especially when seniors decide that they want to use graffiti as the backdrop for their pictures. Cause dicks are everywhere. Some nice person did Photoshop out the dick for Alexis.

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MAN CLAIMS BIGGEST DICK IN THE WORLD AND THAT FUCKER IS A 19″ MONSTER, SO KINDA HARD FOR HIM TO PLAY HIDE THE SALAMI

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Roberto Esquivel Cabrera, 54, lives in Saltillo, Mexico, and he has the largest dick in the world. His monkey clocks in at 19″, so spanking that fucker is a full-time job, plus overtime. Before women all over the world start getting wet with anticipation, in reality, Roberto really only has a 7″ dick and a 12″ extended foreskin. So, we can’t exactly say that counts. But Roberto has hope. He hopes to get into the Guinness Book of World Records, but it doesn’t have a dick size category. In September 2015, the World Record Academy did recognize his super cock at 18.9″ in length and a tip circumference of 10″. He submitted to an x-ray to confirm that his anaconda is real, and as we said, that all depends on how you define penis size. But there is something there, as Roberto says he weighed his member, and all that man meat came in at two pounds. Roberto keeps his dick under wraps, always. He says that’s because it makes him feel more “comfortable.” A freakishly large and we assuming unsightly dangling oversized appendage can do that to a man. Now, some men might think having a near 2-foot-long cock is like winning the lottery. According to Roberto, “I cannot do anything, I cannot work, and I am disabled so I want authorities to declare me as a disabled person and give me support.” According to a news article, “[Roberto] survives on social assistance and scavenges for food and materials on waste dumps. He has no friends and says people ‘shun’ him wherever he goes.” But Roberto still has hope. He says, “I’m happy with my penis,” and that “I know nobody has the size I have in the world.” He hopes to move back to the United States, find a woman that is comfortable getting lubed to hell and back to take his monster cock, and become a porn star.

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WTF? IS THAT HER GIANT DANGLING DICK OR JUST A SHADOW OF HER OTHER LEG?

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It is NSFW optical illusion time, boys and girls. And time to question whether this is a picture of a boy or a girl. It is a girl of course, a cute one, posing in a t-shirt, shorts and leopard-print high heels. She just happens to be the victim of bad lighting. This picture of her has gone viral. Cause it looks like she’s got a giant dangling white cock in between her legs. But it’s just a shadow. But it does really look like a big dick.

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WEEKEND EDITION: WHERE PENIS SIZE MATTERS, BEST TO STAY OUT OF WASHINGTON, D.C. IF YOU’RE A SHORT DICKED MAN

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Pornhub’s got stats. And we have to thank them for sharing, as they so inform our world view. Pornhub recently talked about dick size, and where size matters the most. According to Pornhub, women are eagerly searching for dick on its website, with women searching for “big dick” videos 46% more often than men, and searching for “dick” 122% more than men. The most popular dick term searched by women is “big black dick,” so there’s that. And it came down to location, as size mattered in certain areas more than others. Where it mattered the most was South Africa, followed by the United States, Jamaica, Kenya and Nigeria. So some men may want to avoid those countries. But if you have a micropenis, well, Singapore, Bangladesh, Egypt, Albania and El Salvador may just be perfect for you, cause they ranked least likely to search for big dick videos. In the United States, the safe havens for Napoleonic-sized men are Vermont, Utah, Maine, Idaho and North Dakota (probably also the whitest states in the U.S. where “big black dick” searches are less common too). But stay the fuck out of Washington, D.C., where the women are big dick obsessed, as well as with Mississippi, Georgia, Alaska, Louisiana and Arkansas. Alaska? Overall, there wasn’t much of a pattern, or rhyme or reason as to why some areas searched for big dick more often than others. The southern United States, of course, makes sense, with it’s larger “big black dick” population. But women seemed big dick hungry in states like South Dakota and Alaska too. The Asian countries made sense as havens for small dicks, cause, you know. But in large parts of Africa big dick searches were infrequent as well. Go figure.

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KENYAN MAN’S DICK IS BIGGER THAN A NEWBORN BABY, AND WHAT SHOULD BE A BLESSING IS A CURSE

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Having the biggest dick known to man should be the best thing in the world. But for 20-year-old Kenyan Sorence Owiti Opiyo, his super-swollen dick is about as bad as life can get for a man. Nobody has given exact dimensions of his dick, but it has been compared to the size of a newborn baby. And of course we found uncensored pictures of his super-sized Johnson. And the thing is not kidding the size of a newborn baby, if not bigger. It is a medical condition that so far hasn’t be given a name. We were thinking of going Latin, and calling it magnis phallus, or maybe giving a nod to Sorence’s suffering and calling it Opiyo’s Disease. Whatever you call it, his penis has swelled to the size of a watermelon, and is deformed at the end, as a result of his condition. He had to drop out of school because he was teased, and cannot have sex, cause no woman wants that massive thing bulldozing her uterus. Nor does she want her vagina stretched to the point of permanent vaginal gape. Sornce released pictures of his massive dick and is telling his story because he needs help to find a doctor to help relieve him of his burden and give him back a normal life. It is actually kind of sad when you think about it. Cause, we know now, the porn offers are going to start rolling in. There are of course at least a few porn stars willing to take a shot at deep throating or sliding on top of Sorence’s gigantic hog. We expect most men will take “a bigger dick” off their Christmas list this year, after having read this article.

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PEOPLE ARE WAY TOO OBSESSED WITH THE SIZE OF DONALD TRUMP’S DICK AND BALLS

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While we would ordinarily rejoice at the prospect of nude sculptures of a female presidential candidate cropping up all over the nation, because Hillary Clinton is the female presidential candidate, we are happy that no one has undertaken that effort. If someone had, they would of course be waking to cries of sexual assault and rape. But since it was Donald Trump who found himself on the short end of someone’s satirical stick, it is all in good fun. And these days, it seems a lot of the “fun” of this presidential election seems to be directed to the size of Donald Trump’s dick and balls. Maybe he has a micro penis. Maybe he doesn’t. We’ll never know because we aren’t ones to much care, except if it was prominently featured in a sex tape with Melania or hell any of the hot women that Donald Trump has served up the pinky winky. We don’t have a sex tape. All we got are nude statues of Donald sprouting around the U.S., New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Cleveland and Seattle to be exact. Some artists named who signs “Ginger,” a Las Vegas sculptor, made the statues on the for the anarchist street art collective known as Indecline. Indecline called the art project “The Emperor Has No Balls.” Ginger specializes in creating monsters for horror films and haunted houses, and was quoted as saying, “Trump is just yet another monster, so it was absolutely in my wheelhouse to be able to create these monstrosities.” He also told WaPo that he felt an increasing resentment against his statues as Trump’s controversial politics continued to anger him. Someone claimed that the New York Parks Department took this position on the unauthorized installations, “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.” We find that hard to believe. But the sooner we get done with talking about Donald Trump’s dick and balls, the better we’ll start feeling.

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DENNIS RODMAN BROKE HIS DICK THREE TIMES, HE SAYS IN RECENT INTERVIEW

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According to the British National Health Service, you can break your dick, because “There are no bones in the penis, but the tubes that fill with blood during an erection can burst. Blood pours out of them inside the penis and causes a very painful swelling. Reported cases of penile fracture are rare, but it’s thought that some men are too embarrassed to report it to their doctor. Damage during sex, where a partner is on top, is responsible for about one-third of all cases. The breakage usually occurs when a man’s penis slips out of his partner and is violently bent.” Basketball player Dennis Rodman recently shared three stories of how he broke his dick, cause he’s a sex super freak like that.

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Dennis recounted the first time, when “‘Me and my girlfriend, we were on the back of the boat in a king size bed and she said ‘I think I’m going to try something different,'” after a day of “partying” in Texas. “She told me to walk over there and told me to run and jump in her pussy.” Dennis just remembered a “crunch” and blood “everywhere,” with his girlfriend screaming, “Oh my God, he is dead.” Dennis reassured her though, “No honey. I just broke my dick.” (Not at all very reassuring.) The second time, Dennis was dating a lady named Tracey when he played for the Detroit Pistons, and while engaged in a sex act, he just recalls, “Crack, another one. I couldn’t do anything.” And as to the last dick breaking experience, Dennis said he was in a New York hotel room when his penis broke during sex, and “We go to hospital and my girlfriend is like, ‘Well you know, he has a problem with his penis.’ The woman comes up and says ‘Oh, I’ll be right back.’ She brought another doctor in, and then another one. I swear to God she just kept bringing people in. They told me I had a contused penis.” And Dennis claims, the next day a nurse asked for $25,000 for the X-ray pictures of his broken dick.

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CHINESE YEAR OF THE MONKEY FAILS

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2016 is the Year of the Monkey, in the Chinese calendar. It officially started on February 8, 2016. In honor of the new year, San Francisco designer Lehu Zhang made a poster. It was a personal project, but a Twitter user noticed the poster in his online portfolio. “A monkey face was my initial plan,” he wrote on his site. “But as long as I was drawing, this turned out.” What turned out is what looks like an anal sex scene, either a dick or a butt plug, something phallic, penetrating an asshole. It don’t look like no monkey. He wasn’t the only one to fail, Bail Ling also tried to shoot pictures in honor of the Year of the Monkey. She didn’t fare much better.

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DROP $13 GRAND AND ADD 2-3 INCHES TO YOUR DICK, SOUNDS FAIR

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You can now super-size your dick to L, XL or XXL, cause as the doctor who invented the implant, “Nobody wants a small.” Beverly Hills urologist James Elist, M.D. invented the Penuma, the male penile enhancement implant. “So we don’t have a small, we don’t have a medium. We start from large.” Dr. Elist is the only doctor authorized to perform the implant procedure, and he has inserted about 1,300 of his implants in men from all over America and from other countries around the world. His procedure cost about $13,000 and has a 95% success rate, according to a five-year clinical study Dr. Elist commissioned and presented at an industry conference. Here are some testimonials, from GQ reporter Amy Wallace:

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Another guy, a 43-year-old mechanic from Arizona, told me he got an XL Penuma inserted two years ago because “I realized, well, nothing about me is average or normal, and I didn’t want my sexuality to be average or normal anymore.” After the surgery, he said, his boners increased from six and a half inches to eight and a half inches, and the Penuma “gave me this crazy amount of stamina. Like, I can go for two hours. And I have more control over my orgasms. I mean, I can be going like a Mack truck and still hold back.”

And then there’s the 43-year-old plumber from Northern California whose six-inches-plus, his wife says, “had never been an issue for me.” And yet her husband was convinced that he wasn’t satisfying her: “I didn’t feel like I was doing my job like I was supposed to.” This feeling of inadequacy led to bouts of erectile dysfunction that tormented him until he was fitted last July with an XL Penuma. Now the plumber and his wife get busy four or five times a week.

“He’s been a sexual maniac,” the wife told me. “He has erections all day long every day now. We haven’t had this much sex since when we first got together.” And that was 20 years ago. Getting the Penuma, the plumber said, “basically saved our marriage. I wish I had done it sooner.”



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DICK PONG JUST SOUNDS PAINFUL

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Everyone has been losing their shit over this video of this guy playing ping pong with his dick, which is really more just video of one slap shot. Click here for the video. While you gotta give the guy props for the most widely circulated dick pic on the Internet, we can only think this hurts and probably wasn’t worth the Internet fame.

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RONDA ROUSEY LAWSUIT IS SUCH HANDWRITTEN FUCKING HILARITY YOU ALMOST WANT TO BELIEVE THE ALLEGATIONS

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G.B. White filed a lawsuit against UFC fighter Ronda Rousey because believes he is “facing imminent danger and bodily harm from Ronda Rousey [because] I’m whistle blowing a major scandal here in court and fear Ronda Rousey will use her kickboxing skills and Judo kick my head into submission to shut my mouth…” What is he exposing you might ask? Well here’s just a taste, that “Ronda Rousey is really a man and pretending to be a female in the UFC to boost ratings,” “I have evidence to submit to the court of Ronda Rousey in speedos showing her penis at a nudist colony at Dewey Beach, Delaware,” and “Ronda Rousey used her prize winnings from fighting to get a penis enlargement at a Jacksonville clinic.” But that’s not all. “Ronda Rousey made a sex tape with Jon Bones Jones which I am the only one with a copy which shows Ronda Rousey’s penis.” It doesn’t stop there. “Ronda Rousey’s real father is Ron Jeremy and Ronda Rousey’s real name is Ron Rousey or Ronald Rousey which I’m in possession of the birth certificate.” That is just fucking hilarious. And you can’t go into the weekend any stronger, unless you got dick slapped with Ronda Rousey’s big fat surgically-enhanced, lady boy cock. Peace out!

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NOW YOU CAN TURN YOUR SPERM OFF AND ON WITH THE FLICK OF A SWITCH (AND A SURGICAL IMPLANT)

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Some German carpenter (i.e., not a doctor or surgeon) has invented an implantable valve device so men can turn their sperm flow off and on with the flip of a switch….no doubt soon to be equipped with a Clapper to make it even easier. Clemens Bimek has been thinking about this for the last 20 years. He says he has been working with doctors to see if he could get his idea into the penis of as many guys worldwide as possible. “Many of the doctors I consulted didn’t take me seriously. But there were some who encouraged me to go on tinkering and helped me with their expertise,” Clemens said. Unlike most dreamers, Clemens has lived to see his dream realized, and now the valve he invented is going to be implanted in 25 men in trials starting this year. Clemens already got one. The tiny valves are less than a inch long and weigh less than 1/10 an ounce, and are surgically implanted on the vas deferens, the ducts that carry sperm from the testicles. The valve is reachable under the skin of the scrotum. It’s just a simple half-hour operation.

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But the reaction among doctors is mixed. Hartwig Bauer, the urologist who implanted Clemens’ device, said the valve was preferable to a vasectomy. “A third of patients want to have the operation reversed later, but it doesn’t always work,” he said. But not every doctor agrees. “My assessment is that implanting the valve could cause scarring where it meets the vas deferens,” Wolfgang Bühmann, spokesman for the Professional Association of German Urologists, said. This kind of scarring could prevent sperm from flowing even when the valve is open, he added. The valve could also become clogged if left closed for too long. “Other implants made of this material have been well tolerated elsewhere in the body,” Anneke Loos, head of a testing centre for medical products in Hannover, said. “The question is whether it will cause problems when it is implanted in this area.” We will not be investing in sperm valve stock.

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LESBIANS JINGLE NUT SACKS IN THEIR HANDS FOR THE FIRST TIME

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Lesbians feeling up a gay boy’s meat and potatoes is a really creative concept that we haven’t heard of before, but is one of those things that when you hear about, you say, that wasn’t that original but for the fact that no one thought to do it before (the very definition of original). We weren’t sure how this would play out, as the lesbians described what they were feeling for the first time. On said, “It feels like PlayDough that’s been warmed up.” Another said, it’s “not like a noodle you play in the water with, but like the noodle you get at an Italian restaurant.” We didn’t exactly get that one, but lesbians. One felt the urge to call her mom and tell her about her new experience. Awkward.

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WOMEN DESCRIBE THEIR MAN’S DICK TO A POLICE SKETCH ARTIST, AND……

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Assume, guys, your dick went missing. And your girlfriend or wife had to describe it to a police sketch artist. Would it be found? Would she get it right? The answer, of course, depends on a lot of factors. How much do you have sex? How often does she give you a blowjob? Does she enjoy it or does she close her eyes in shock and horror? Is your dick big enough to even take notice? And the bigger question is, if you had to describe her undercarriage (the labia, clitoris, etc., since her vagina is really part of her internal clockwork), could you do a better job?

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IT’S MORE THAN JUST THE SIZE OF YOUR DICK THAT IMPRESSES WOMEN

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Penis envy just got more reasons for envy. While everyone talks about the length, and more recently, girth, of a man’s lady lasso, researchers at the University of Zurich decided to get down and dirty about what makes a good looking dick, so they asked. They asked 105 women between the ages of 16 and 45 to rank the most attractive qualities in a dick. Now, mind you, what looks good and what feels good are two different things entirely, but what looks good often helps shape our thinking (and particularly that of women during sex) about how we feel about it. Here’s what the researchers found women felt were most important in a dick, in order of importance:

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1. General cosmetic appearance

2. Appearance of pubic hair

3. Girth and appearance of skin

4. Shape of glans (the tip)

5. Length [still matters!!]

6. Appearance of scrotum

7. Position and shape of the meatus (the opening for urine)

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