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WEEKEND EDITION: PORNHUB PUNKED PORN FANS HARD FOR APRIL FOOL’S

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Pornhub shocked the fuck out of porn fans yesterday, for April Fool’s. Most users figured out that it was April 1, 2017, and Pornhub quickly revealed its joke to unsuspecting users, but for a moment, when users clicked on porn, this pop up message made some shit their pants: “THANKS FOR SHARING Pornhub now has automatic video sharing to your social media accounts. No need to manually share your video to your friends and family ever again because this new revolutionary sharing feature does it for you! Automatically!” After users recovered from their soiled pants (and not in the good way), Pornhub had a second pop over that revealed the April Fool’s day joke, adding “Don’t worry your browsing is always safe and secure, we are fully encrypted, using HTTPS protocols.”

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KANSAS LEGISLATURE CONDEMNS PORN, BUT SO WHAT?

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The Kansas house in the state legislature voted to approve a resolution condemning pornography, claiming (without any scientific facts or basis) that porn treats women as objects, lowers the desire to marry and can lead to erectile dysfunction. Not to worry if you live in Kansas and love porn. The resolution has no binding legal effect. It was just for show. But that is always how things start. The resolution says porn perpetuates a sexually toxic environment. And them be fighting words. “When a person consumes pornography, it’s like consuming cocaine, or opiods. It has a detrimental effect. It messes up the wiring in our brains, it changes the way we function,” Rep. Chuck Weber, R-Wichita, said. It was a virtual porn hate-fest. Kansas legislators claimed that arly exposure leads to low self-esteem and body image disorders, an increase in problematic sexual activity at younger ages and increased desire among adolescents to engage in risky sexual behavior. It adds that porn treats women and children as objects and commodities for the viewer’s use. Rep. Randy Powell, R-Olathe, claimed to have seen first-hand the damage porn causes. “I’ve known men who are not even able to entertain the idea of having relations with a real person because what they’ve been experiencing is so strong and so impactful on the brain they’re being neutralized from actually having a real relationship with a real person,” Randy said. Seriously, what kind of porn has Kansas been watching?

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#PORNSTARMADNESS ROUND 2!

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Round 1 is done. Big names fell yesterday, like Kendra Lust, Romi Rain and last year’s champion and No. 1 Seed Brandi Love, who was unseated by Anya Olsen, making for two Cinderella seeds knocking down big name No. 1s. No. 1 Seed Dillion Harper staved off Holly Hendrix. But now we are on to Round 2. And today will see big matchups like dominating No. 4 Seed Sara Jay matchup with No. 5 Eva Lovia. Hot as fuck Jenny Blighe and Karla Kush go head to head. Giant killer Hop Harper is back up facing Kelsi Monroe (who took out Romi Rain). And August Ames and Mia Malkova are back for Round 2. August is facing Arian Marie. Mia is facing Tori Black. The tweets will be going out soon, so remember to retweet and like your favorites. You have all days.

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#PORNSTARMADNESS GIANTS: KENDRA SUNDERLAND, SARA JAY AND MAYA BIJOU

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The First Round of #PornStarMadness exploded yesterday, with blowout numbers posted by both Kendra Sunderland and Sara Jay, both taking 98% of the vote. It looks like the two are definitely set to face-off in the Sexy Sixteen in the South region, and would have made for a phenomenal matchup later down in the Fantasy Four or the Championship. Two big seeds fell yesterday, No. 2 Seed Nicole Aniston, who usually performs well in the tournament, got knocked off by Jillian Janson, who had solid numbers. No. 2 Seed Madison Ivy fended off Lana Rhoades. But No. 1 Seed Riley Reid dropped to newcomer and Cinderella Seed No. 16 Hope Harper. Hope pretty much dominated. The West was looking strong, with Hope, and Karla Kush dropping large numbers. Karla took out perennial booty powerhouse Alexis Texas. And Maya Bijou dealt a huge blow to Piper Perri with strong voting and 92% of the vote. We are about to start up Day 2 of Round 1 later this afternoon. The same rules apply, so retweet and like for your favorites once we send out the matchup tweets.

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#PORNSTARMADNESS ROUND 1 STARTS TODAY

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It is time again to release the madness, the #PornStarMadness. We are all set and about to being releasing the matchups this afternoon. We’ve explained the seeds previously, so we won’t do that again. Let’s just get down to the business of winning, shall we? The rules are the same as last year, but we’ll run them back again for those of you who are new. This is not a voting contest. This is a social media frenzy. This is about porn star madness. Your expression of support is better reflected in retweeting your favorite porn star to your followers and letting them know they have your support. So each day we will send out a tweet for each porn star (with a matchup card like the ones below), starting at 1:30 PM EST, and each porn star can also send out a tweet that day with the hashtag #pornstarmadness. At the end of the day, and this time we are giving you until midnight 12:0AM EST, we will count up the retweets and likes from both and the winner will be the porn star who has the highest number for each matchup. Porn stars will advance through the tournament to the Sexy 16, the Erotic 8, and the Fantasy Four, for a final showdown of the hottest four porn stars.

So the action is about to start. Get ready for #PornStarMadness

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HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED PORN AT WORK

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Don’t lie. Don’t lie. You’ve watched at least some porn at work. In light of a recent federal report about federal employees caught watching porn, Jimmy Kimmel hit the streets to ask. “According to an investigation done by the NBC News team in Washington D.C., almost 100 federal employees—these are people who work for the government—have either been caught or admitted to watching pornography at work,” Jimmy said. “I don’t know, 100 seems low actually to me. One federal worker, though, admitted to spending six hours a day looking at images and videos.” Another federal worker, Kimmel added, admitted to watching basically 31 eight-hour workdays watching porn. Here is what people said on the streets.

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WHO SAID IT: TRUMP OR PORN? IT’S ACTUALLY HARDER THAN YOU THINK…

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We all know that the president of the United States has said some things that were a few notches short of hitting the politically correct benchmark. Some of it was downright lewd. Grab ’em by the pussy comes to mind. But when you put all the un-P.C. things he’s said together and compare them against a few select porn quotes, asking New Yorkers if you can tell the different, it gets pretty shameful. But the silver lining is, against the president, everyone can stand a little bit taller and more respectable. Cause who among us has ever mocked a disabled guy in public? (We know a large number of you have done it is public.) That’s pretty bad.

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THE PORN STAR/DUKE UNIVERSITY STUDY BELLE KNOX LIFETIME MOVIE DROPPED, AND NO ONE CARED

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The Lifetime movie “From Straight As to XXX” aired Saturday, and pretty much no one cared. It was based on the real life story of Miriam Weeks, porn star “Belle Knox,” who is a Duke University student and gained 20-minutes of fame for turning to porn to pay her tuition. Most people have forgotten about Belle. She was not a big porn star, and so after the story of her Blue Devil background broke, she returned to relative obscurity and retired from porn. General Hospital actress Haley Pullos stars as Weeks in the movie, and that’s probably its only redeeming value to anyone. When Haley was asked why anyone would care to watch the movie, she said, “This movie is so important because it shows you the depth and the hardship of being hated simply for making a decision for your own life, and I think everybody needs to understand that that is the message. [What she did] was legal. It was fully legal. It’s not like she did anything legally wrong. You might have different morals, and that’s okay, that’s your own decision with your own life, but this woman made a legal decision with her own life. That’s her choice and she shouldn’t have been harassed the way that she was, and that’s why I think it’s important.” In a separate interview, she said about why she decided to play the role, “I’m a huge feminist and so I’m all about women empowerment and being able to make your own choices and that’s what I feel like this whole movie focuses on. Miriam was just terrorized and abused by everybody for making her own choice and I wanted to be able to tell that story because it’s so heavy and important.” Well, we pay moderate tribute to Miriam empowering herself.

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“MAKE PORN GREAT AGAIN,” XHAMSTER AUDITIONS DONALD TRUMP PORN STARS

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And then there were three. Donald Trump has inspired many things in his few short weeks as President of the United States, including a resurgence of Trump porn. xHamster is riding the wave of that resurgence and plans to ride it for the next four years, with an open casting call for Donald Trump porn star impersonators for a series of Donald Trump parody porn. They’ve been hunting for candidates with “unique hair,” “small hands” and “the ability to make incredible deals, and bring the HUGE-ness (or ‘YUGE’ in the parlance of Trump) of the president-elect to the small screens and tablets of our consumers” since November, receiving “many” submissions, which have been narrowed down to three. Their video auditions have been posted onto xHamster’s YouTube channel. And now xHamster users are being asked to vote for their favorite of the final three, the winner to be announced during the first 100 days of Trump ‘s presidency. The candidates sure do have the president down. One said in his video, “I’m here to tell you that I don’t lose. Okay, I’m not gonna lose.” And then asks, “Is this the face of a loser,” while holding a Hilary Clinton doll. Another said, “Yeah, we’re going out tonight”, pointing towards a Melania Trump doppelganger, “I’m gonna be with this pig, horrible woman, but we’re gonna do our best!”

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xHamster spokesperson Alex Hawkins said, “The Trump transition has been turbulent for all of us. We apologise for the delay in getting out this request. There is nothing more that the American public needs that quality adult content parodies to help them understand that ever shifting landscape of their Executive Branch of government.” About the final choice, xHamster said, “this performer would need to be in the ‘best health of any actor to do porn’, to have even more in common with the President-elect, whose own physician said that Trump is the ‘healthiest person to run for President in history.’ The ability to harness both Trump’s complete understanding of all issues without any actual knowledge of an issue, is also an optional trait.” xHamster is also casting a Trump cabinet, Trump family, and Trump Supreme Court nominations. The winner of the Donald Trump casting gets his own Twitter handle, @TheRealxHDonaldTrump. So who will it be?







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PORN STAR CARMEN VALENTINA PROMISED THE ATLANTA FALCONS BLOWJOBS AND SEX TO LOSE, AND LOOKS LIKE IT WORKED

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Porn stars Carmen Valentina and Lauren Phillips promised all of their Twitter followers a blowjob if the Patriots won the SuperBowl. #TeamBJ. And when that was looking like it wasn’t going to happen, Carmen came to the rescue. She said on Twitter, “I will fuck every member of the #falcons if they decide to throw the game. My #patriots fans deserve BJs #teamBJ #SuperBowl” and “Dear #Falcons if you decide to lose #SuperBowl I will gladly suck your dick and put you first in line. Lets go #Patriots.” And then all of a sudden, it was like the Falcons had given up and were letting the Patriots score. We can only speculate cause they wanted to score too. Maybe. Maybe it’s just a conspiracy theory. Either way, Carmen and Lauren Twitter fans are guaranteed blowjobs if they want them. #TeamBJ promised to release details on Wednesday.

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DRAKE SPOTTED WITH PORN STAR ROSEE DIVINE

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Rosee Divine is a retired French (what British media are calling) porn star, though we’ve only seen her nude model. On her Twitter page, however, she calls herself a “[f]ine artist and licensed aromatherapist”. Her porn days, we take it, are completely over. And it seems she’s stepping up in the world too. She was spotted at a Japanese restaurant in Amsterdam with singer Drake, 30, whose full name is Aubrey Drake Graham, just after letting the world know he was dipping his wick in Jennifer Lopez. Who knows what that all means, but you can quickly see why Drake might be interested in Rosie, as a friend…

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DONALD TRUMP IS NOW PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, AND WE SEE A WHOLE LOT MORE MELANIA TRUMP PORN COMING

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Donald J. Trump is officially the 45th president of the United States. He is now the leader of the free world, after having taken the oath of office at his inauguration this afternoon, with the world cautiously watching and hanging on his every word. While they were hanging on his words, most of the watching was on the new first lady, Melania Trump, 46. We have all seen her naked. And as the inauguration has approached, we’ve started to see an explosion of Melania Trump porn. We suspect it will only continue as porn takes an increasing interest in the new president and the new hot as fuck first lady. She’s probably the hottest first lady ever. Slovenia should be proud today. So the rise in porn parody is not a surprise. Take this picture, one of our favorites. The original picture is of porn legend Lisa Ann. Someone superimposed the first lady’s face on it, to great effect. Yeah, we see a lot more coming.

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BRITISH MALE CELEBRITIES ARE GETTING SCAMMED INTO MASTURBATING ON SKYPE AND HAVING “SEX TAPES” RELEASED

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You have to be the dumbest celebrity in the world to get scammed into going onto Skype to masturbate to some girl, unless that girl is actress Marbot Robbie or porn star Brandi Love. First off, as a celebrity, why would you need to Skype? and why would you want to? You likely have tons of girls lined up outside your hotel ready to sign a release, waiver and confidentiality agreement just to get the opportunity to swing on your nut sack. And if you’re worried about her putting you sleeping on her Instagram, well, again, you’re a celebrity, buy a high end prostitute. Why would you ever go on Skype? Well, a number of British male celebrities did. After boxer Amir Khan’s masturbation sex tape to a model on Skype was leaked, more British celebrities were released. A porn website now has medal-winning Olympic gymnast Louis Smith, 2008 Britain’s Got Talent winner George Sampson, Celebrity Big Brother contestant Calum Best, gold medallist diver Chris Mears, Coronation Street actor Shayne Ward, Strictly Come Dancing contestant Ben Cohen, The Only Way Is Essex star Kirk Norcross and X Factor contestant Sam Callahan, who all got scammed. Because they are dumb as fuck or horny as hell. “This is a case of famous celebrities being approached by beautiful glamour models via social media sites like Twitter or Instagram,” a source told The Sun. “They swap Skype usernames and arrange to have phone sex over the video service. It’s possible to record the Skype conversations so the assumption is that the models have made recordings which are then given to Celebrity Busted and ultimately leaked online.” Dumb asses.

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STRAIGHT WOMEN EXPLAIN WHY THEY LIKE LESBIAN PORN

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Women watch lesbian porn, straight women, just like men. It fits with our general view that all women are to some degree bisexual. Women can be bisexual. If men claim they are “bisexual,” they are labeled gay, which doesn’t happen to women. Masculinity can’t really accommodate bisexuality. But however you figure, in a new YouTube video, by Arielle Scarcella (who is a lesbian), straight women explain why they watch lesbian porn. The best answer was “I like seeing big boobies.”

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PORN STAR KIM HOLLAND FILMS PORN IN CHURCH, ENTIRE CHURCH DECLARED “UNHOLY”

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Dutch porn star Kim Holland, who reportedly “promoted” a porn film shot in a church in Tilburg, Netherlands, is facing a huge Christian backlash. The church has since been declared “unholy” and was closed for several days through Sunday, until a special cleansing service where the building was sprinkled with holy water (for the sins committed or just to get the stank smell of dried porn pussy juice out of the air). Kim said producer Peter Visser was an atheist who “saw the church as a very ordinary place” and “completely underestimated the reaction from commenters,” according to Christian news website Church Militant. But she added, “He knows he should not have done it. We regret it very much.” What he did was film a couple having hardcore sex in the confessional corner of St Joseph’s. As a result of the public outcry, Kim has agreed not to release the footage. It is still not clear if the church will take any legal action against Kim and the producer however. Father Jan van Noorwegen, pastor of St. Joseph’s, was shocked when he heard of the film. He said, “I do not know how they got in; the gate is only open a few hours a day. But then there are always people in the church. No one saw anything.” A spokesman for the parish added, “We live in modern times but this went too far.” Kim is officially retired, so it is not clear if she did any performing in the film. But back in the day…

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IRAN BLOCKED PORN ACCESS AS FAR AWAY AS RUSSIA AND HONG KONG

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It’s a small world after all, especially on the Internet. Iran recently stepped up its censorship of porn. Iran’s national telecom used Border Gateway Protocol (BGP) to fake routes for 256 adult websites, in order to block access. It exposed a major problem with the Internet, and how one countries’ policies can have unintended consequence for others who love their porn. It can be a little complicated, but the most basic explanation is that internet service providers look for the shortest pathway to website IP address. When Iran created fake BGP pathways to block certain websites, some service providers mistook them as real, and so users were directed to blank pages for those websites. A surprisingly large number of countries were close enough to seek out the fake Iran pathways, creating a much broader white out for a number of adult websites. While clearly Middle Eastern countries were affected, Iran’s censorship also reached India’s Bharti Airtel, Russia’s RETN, Indonesia’s Telekomunikasi and Hong Kong’s Hutchison, which are all significant ISPs in their respective regions. Slowly the service providers realized the mistake, and within 28 hours, things began to return to normal. But it shows how vulnerable the Internet can be, and how just like that, we could lose porn. So you should enjoy the time you have for the time you have it. Because porn may not always be around. Stock up on external hard drives with terabytes of space and start hoarding.

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