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HALLE BERRY DEEP CLEAVAGE

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Halle Berry, 51, was in our opinion one of the hottest Bond girls, even though she didn’t get a sexy Bond girl name, like Alotta Tits. Based upon her appearance at the “Kings” premiere in Toronto, we think Halle could have played that name well too. Halle rocked a deep cleavage top that would have made James proud. As Americans, we’re definitely proud of Halle for representing what truly makes us great while in Canada.

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HEIDI KLUM AND DEMI LOVATO WENT NIPPLE-TO-NIPPLE OVER THE VMA RED CARPET QUEEN

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The celebrity red carpet has become increasingly one-dimensional, with a single purpose: who can out-scank whom. Who can show the most skin without going full-on slutty nude. At the Video Music Awards over the weekend, Heidi Klum and Demi Lovato went head-to-head for queen of the “you-can’t-slut-shame-me-for-dressing-slutty” carpet walk. Frankly, we love this new trend. We embrace it. We don’t slut shame, nada. And we were glad to see both Heidi and Demi doing their thing. In spite of her age, we have to give this round to Heidi. She just does it so well. Just goes to show that experience does count for something in this game.

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CARA DELEVINGNE DOES NUDE ILLUSION

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British model Cara Delevingne, 24, was on the red carpet for the “Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets” premiere in Mexico City, Mexico. She wore a strapless, nude-illusion dress by Versace, the purpose of which is to appear nude without actually being nude. Tease.

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TARA REID HUGE TITS, NOT MUCH ELSE

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Tara Reid, 41, turned heads while at Los Angeles’ Art With a Cause event on Thursday, but not for the normal reasons, normal reasons being her horribly skeletal body that looks more heroin than sheik. This time, Tara put attention squarely on her huge tits, in a mini Showpo dress made of chainmail, without a bra, though covered up with tan pasties and matching nude underwear. It certainly helped everyone stop talking about her body for moment. Tara of course has been getting the message. She talked about body shaming recently, saying in an interview, “Bullying is such a big deal these days and it’s something I very much personalized with. In my life, I’ve had a lot of bullying and I know what that feels like and how much it hurt.” She continued, “What people don’t realize is that there’s so much kinds of bullying: Social media bullying, cyber bullying, physical bullying, mental bullying, there’s different kinds and today it’s so bad that people are committing suicide and overdosing.” At least this time around, it is abso-titty positive.

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CAMILA MORRONE PIERCED NIPPLES AT THE BRIT AWARDS

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Argentinian actress and model Camila Morrone is only 19-years-old, but she knows how to make an impression. She showed up to the BRIT Awards 2017, strolling down the red capret in London wearing a dress with a completely sheer top without a bra. And her nipples were pierced.

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TANYA MITYUSHINA NIPPLES ON THE RUNWAY

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Tanya Mityushina, 23, is a Russian model who appeared in the Sports Illustrated 2016 Swimsuit Edition. She is so hot that masturbating to her too much will make you go blind. So keep count. She was at the “John Wick: Chapter 2” premiere in Los Angeles. She appeared in a two-piece silk satin suit with a deep plunging neckline on the suit jacket, which when she turned buckled and showed her tits, cause of course she wasn’t wearing a bra. We’ll adopt the accidental nipple exposure line, but we all know by now that nipples don’t just happen to make an appearance, and ever since Janet Jackson made nipple exposure popular at the Super Bowl halftime, it has been a common staple of every celebrity ploy for publicity.

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HERE’S THAT CLOSER LOOK AT MARNIE SIMPSON’S PUSSY YOU’VE BEEN ASKING FOR, COURTESY OF MARNIE SIMPSON

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British reality celebrity Marnie Simpson, 25, went without panties in a sheer dress to the British National Television Awards. But Marnie knew exactly what she was doing, it was no wardrobe malfunction. She had a small black strip to cover just enough of her clitoris so you could see down pretty far, but not all the way to her goodie box. Marnie seemed quite pleased to show her goodies on the red carpet.

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GIGI HADID WENT PUSSY OUT FOR THE AMAS

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The American Music Awards on Sunday were filled with half-naked celebrities vying for attention and publicity. Gigi Hadid was one of them, because of course she was co-hosting the ceremony with comedian Jay Pharoah. While Gigi couldn’t wear anything too revealing while on stage, for the red carpet she put everything out there. It was the only saving grace for Gigi, after her horrible Melania Trump impression that was widely panned as “bullying.” Her red carpet appearance, though, was an interesting twist on Donald Trump’s Access Hollywood debacle. Instead of “grab em by the pussy,” Gigi went with “show em your pussy.”

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MATT LEBLANC SAID HE NEEDS TO CATCH UP SEEING EMLIA CLARKE NUDE ON GAME OF THRONES, AND WE COULDN’T AGREE MORE

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Friends actor Matt LeBlance was on the red carpet for the Emmys with E!’s Jason Kennedy and Giuliana Rancic, along with Game of Thrones actress Emilia Clarke. Earlier this year they were both on on the Graham Norton show and Emilia asked Matt to say, “How you doin'” to her, and Matt obliged. Turnabout, it seems, is fair play. While on the red carpet, Matt said, “I saw the first season [of Game of Thrones] then fell out of touch with it and then I guess that was when she started getting naked. So I need to catch up.” It was one of those mainstream cringe moments. Twitter has taken to blasting Matt for the comment. But let he who will not catch up on seeing Emilia nude on Game of Thrones cast the first stone.

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XENIA TCHOUMITCHEVA FLASHED BARE ASS FOR “SUICIDE SQUAD” PREMIERE IN LODON

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Xenia Tchoumitcheva was all about that ass on the red carper for the London premiere of “Suicide Squad.” The 28-year-old is credited as a Russian-Swiss model, actress, blogger and entrepreneur, but not with much notoriety. In 2015, she decided to shorten her official public name to Xenia Tchoumi, to make it easier to pronounce. It didn’t exactly make that much of a difference. But when Xenia got the opportunity, she didn’t hesitate to make it count. She apparently intentionally left the zipper on her dress halfway undone, so she could bare her ass to the world. And make international headlines. #MissionAccomplished.

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HAILEE STEINFELD MADE A DESPERATE CRY FOR ATTENTION WITH NUDITY, SO WE GIVE HER ATTENTION

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Unless you are a fan of westerns or teen musicals, you probably don’t know actress Hailee Seinfeld. She was in the 2010 version of True Grit and in Pitch Perfect 2. Hailee’s all growed up now, she’s 19, and so you remember who she is, or come to know her, she did what every starlet starving for attention does, show up to some red carpet event half-naked. We love these desperate cries for attention, and we love to promote them. Hailee showed up to Cinemacon in a see through body suit, that didn’t exactly show anything, except that Hailee is shaving her vajayjay these days, but it was sexy.

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BEST UNDERESSED: KARA DEL TORO AT THE CHOICE PREMIERE

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Kara del Toro is not in The Choice, but she was at the premiere, and outshined the Hollywood cast, which included Alexandra Daddario, wearing a transparent and barely there plunging neckline dress (the kind we like to see on the red carpet). Kara is an L.A.-based model from Texas, who’s biggest success appears to have been as a random volleyball hot chick in a Carl Jr.’s commercial. That’s more than most models can say, of course, and this standout best undressed performance on the red carpet has definitely boosted her public profile. Hopefully, this gets Kara more attention. We will humbly suggest she go the Emily Ratajkowski route, and go topless on the regular. It is the shortest path to the mediocre success that Emily achieved. And she could always go big, with a celebrity sex tape, cause guzzling RayJ jizz worked for Kim Kardashian (we’ll never get tired of saying that….).

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ARIEL WINTER’S BREAST REDUCTION SCARS ARE ALL ANYONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT

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Chubby but cute Modern Family actress Ariel Winter (who just turned 18) underwent breast reduction surgery to go from a super-busty hot 32F to a more normal 34D. She said it was because her breasts “grew overnight” and caused neck, back and spinal issues. “[My doctor] said he didn’t think we should go smaller than a C, and I agreed. And the reason I said that was because I have always been a curvier girl. Always. And I enjoy being a curvier girl. I don’t want to be disproportionate again. I have a big butt, I like having a big butt. I didn’t want to have a big butt and no boobs!” she said. At the SAG Awards red carpet over the weekend, Ariel’s scars were noticeably and that seems all that anyone can talk about. Frankly, we don’t find reduction scars all that interesting. Implant scars, going from a 34D to a busty 32F would have been more interesting. But for some reason reduction scars make for celebrity gossip too. And we’re all in for gossip, especially for chubby curvy girls.

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DANIELLE LLYOD’S DECISION NOT TO WEAR PANTIES, PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA

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Danielle Lloyd isn’t a stranger to controversy. Danielle, 32, was stripped of her Miss Great Britain title after posing nude in the December 2006 edition of Playboy magazine. Her title was reinstated in 2010. The British celebrity was out recently for A Night of Heroes: The Sun Military Awards 2016 in London. We can’t yet confirm whether this picture was Photoshopped or not. Danielle was definitely wearing a high cut dress, and from the mainstream media outlets, we’ve seen some really close shots, that at least confirm Danielle likely wasn’t wearing panties. Whether some lucky photographer got this money shot or created this in his creepy little “studio,” we can’t be sure. But we can nonetheless be amused.

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PORN STARS BEHAVING PROPERLY ON THE XBIZ AWARDS RED CARPET

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We were just talking about the snooze fest that was the XBIZ Awards red carpet. We weren’t there, but we haven’t seen much coming out of it. Here’s why. Kendra Lust is one of the hottest porn stars around, but even she went only 2-inches-shorter-than-sluttly-prom-date for the red carpet. We want the good old days when porn stars got sloppy drunk and cocaine silly and just couldn’t be contained. We never thought we’d say this, but we miss Jenna Jameson.

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XBIZ RED CARPET UNDERWHELMS, BECAUSE ALL PORN STARS WANT TO BE MAINSTREAM, BUT NOT KAGNEY LINN KARTER, THANK YOU

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We didn’t attend the XBIZ awards this year, but heard the red carpet was pretty much a bore. All the porn stars who attended, dressed up like mainstream celebrities (while it seems so many mainstream celebrities are trying hard to dress up like porn stars at red carpet events). It was like the bizarro world, where everything was backwards. But when you think about it, it makes sense. Porn stars want to be accepted, where celebrities want to be noticed. So porn stars dress it down, for a night that they get to be like “normal” celebrities and wear fancy dresses and comment on who they are wearing and what not. But Kagney Linn Karter was having none of that malarky, she was looking to get noticed. And she did. Braless with fishnet top, yeah, that’ll get you noticed any day of the week. Thank you, Ms. Karter.

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