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NEW DUMBASS TREND CALLED “STEALTHING” IS WHY EVERYBODY HAS AN STD

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Some fucking idiot started a new and apparently growing trend based upon a man’s right to “spread one’s seed.” It’s called “stealthing,” and people are talking about it after Alexandra Brodsky exposed they who practice in an article in the Columbia Journal of Gender and Law. “Stealthing” is when a man — gay or straight — secretly pulls off his condom in the middle of sex, and keeps going unbeknownst to his partner. There is apparently a growing online community uncovered by Alexandra where men encourage other men to “stealth.” “One of my goals with the article, and in proposing a new statute, is to provide a vocabulary and create ways for people to talk about what is a really common experience that just is too often dismissed as just ‘bad sex’ instead of ‘violence’,” Alexandra said. One of the individuals interviewed for her article called stealthing “rape-adjacent.” There actually isn’t a law against it exactly in the United States, but Alexandra is advocating one. In January, a man in Switzerland was convicted of rape after he took off his condom and didn’t tell his partner. The court said that the woman would have said no to sex without a condom. And this whole story makes it easier to see why this world is so fucked up. And why everyone seems to have a sexually transmitted disease. We doubt a new law will help all that much. But why not?

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MICHIGAN COPS ABOUT TO LOSE IMMUNITY FOR FUCKING PROSTITUTES THEY’RE INVESTIGATING, BUT ANYTHING GOES OFF DUTY

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Michigan is the last state that still provides immunity to police officers for soliciting prostitutes and engaging in a little sexual intercourse while cracking down on the world’s oldest profession. You gotta collect the evidence, you know. But undercover cops won’t be getting any free games of hide of the salami soon anymore. They will no longer be allowed to have sex with the prostitutes they investigate, under a bill that unanimously passed a Michigan Senate committee Tuesday. “This is as succinctly written as anyone could make it. It eliminates the opportunity for those in undercover law enforcement to engage in sexual intercourse with someone they’re investigating,” said Sen. Judy Emmons, R-Sheridan, who sponsored the bill. “We have the dubious distinction of being the last state in the nation to have this law in our books.” The Senate Judiciary Committee agreed with Chairman Sen. Rick Jones, R-Grand Ledge, who said, “As a former sheriff, no modern-day police department would ever allow this. This makes so much sense.” University of Michigan law professor Bridgette Carr has tried for several years to get the exemption removed, but wasn’t successful until this year when Rep. Gary Glenn, R-Midland, offered to help, introducing a similar bill in the House of Representatives. So far, the House has not voted. So Michigan cops are still immune from prosecution for fucking prostitutes during an investigation, if they wish. But that trick is almost done.

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HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW LIKELY HAVE HPV, CAUSE HALF OF AMERICANS DO

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The National Center for Health Statistics shocked the shit out of everyone with new new data on HPV (the human papillomavirus). Using tests from 2011 through 2014, the NCHS found that that nearly half of men and 40% of women carry some kind of genital HPV. There are more than 150 HPV viruses. And HPV is the most common sexually transmitted infection in the United States, accounting about 14 million new genital HPV infections each year. Overall, 42.5% of adults ages 18 to 59 have genital HPV. The NCHS believes that about 25% of men and 20% of women have increased cancer risk strains. And the bad news is that the CDC estimates that more than 90% of men and 80% of women will be infected with at least one type of HPV at some point in their lives. Condoms don’t necessarily prevent HPV, so be careful. Cause, damn, half of you already have it.

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HARMONY IS A $60,000 SEX DOLL, AND OUR QUESTION IS, WHY NOT GET A HIGH END PROSTITUTE?

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If you are a full-on freaky as fuck sex doll fanatic, then the upcoming December release of RealDoll Harmony may be what you’ve been dreaming of, a mildly “intelligent” sex doll. She has the intelligence level of what you probably want from a sex object, which is not much but enough so you don’t feel alone. According to the company, Harmony is programmed to allow her to not only engage in conversation, but actually remember details and develop “feelings.” Weird, yes, very weird. Apparently, an external processor powers Harmony through personality traits chosen by customers. In an interview with Vocativ.com, RealDoll CEO Matt McMullen said the traits range from kind and sexual to jealous and moody. Customers have the power to design the doll’s personality by choosing several items from a set of traits, including positive ones like, “helpful” and “kind,” and negative ones like, “insecure” and “jealous.” But even a “happy,” “sexual,” and “affectionate” Harmony still responds more positively to kindness and thoughtfulness. That’s because Matt says, “We’re trying, in a way, to train people to be nicer to each other,” McMullen says. “People zero in on the whole sexual aspect of what we’re doing with the robot and being able to just do whatever you want, whenever you want, but we want to actually simulate the kindness and the legwork that goes into building a connection.”

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There’s also a “love meter” that monitors how much Harmony’s fallen in love with you. “If you’re nice, kind and give her complements and say things like, ‘I missed you’ and ‘I really enjoy talking to you,’ those are going to longterm raise the love meter,” he explains. “If you’re not nice, if you’re like, ‘You’re real boring, I don’t like talking to you,’ then … you’ll be more in the friend zone.” Harmony will also blink, conduct a simple conversation, react to stimulus such as speech and touch and much more. She is supposed to be able to “learn” and develop a relationship with her partner. This is clearly freaky as fuck, and the beginning of the end of all human-on-human intimacy (just wait, we said it first). But not so fast. Harmony ain’t cheap. Just her head-only option will retail for about $10,000. Again, weird. Head-only? What good will that do? Well, we figure oral, but what is the point of a sex doll that talks if all you’re going to do is stick your dick in her mouth? A complete Harmony RealDoll will retail for roughly $60,000. But damn that is a high price tag. You could buy a nice luxury car for that much. And a guy who can’t get a girl with a hot car has bigger problems than getting sex.



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MEN, STUDY SAYS THE SECRET TO LONG LIFE IS STARING AT TITS AND HAVING LOTS OF SEX (AND SOME OTHER THINGS)

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Fuck eating healthy and exercise. According to Medical Daily, although debunked, suggests that men staring at women’s tits can help prolong life, explaining that, according to Men’s Health, “staring at breasts or looking at cute animals benefit a man’s health by creating a positive mindset. Pleasant emotions can help both men and women make better decisions about their health.” It also quoted a BMJ study, saying also that “sex could have a protective effect on a man’s health. Mortality risk was reduced by as much as 50 percent and life expectancy increased by three to eight years in the group who reported more orgasms.” So tits and sex equals longer life. Medical Daily also mentioned getting married, having kids, accepting more responsibility and having a “Dad Bod” as factors potentially contributing to longer life in men. But we stopped reading at staring at tits and having lots of sex. That was a prescription we could get down with. So stop and stare. Here’s to good health.

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OHIO FINALLY MAKES BESTIALITY ILLEGAL, SO THE ZOO SEX PARTIES ARE OVER

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It has long been legal for people to have sex with animals in Ohio (commonly known as bestiality), at least there was no direct law against it. It has been illegal just about everywhere else. Cause we always get reports of some woman fucking a dog in Arizona and going to jail. Like every week. It is just about as bad as the weekly reports of some female teacher fucking a male student. Ohio’s bestiality law finally went into effect last week. It got enough votes to pass in December, it seems because it was incorporated into a bill that bars local jurisdictions from raising the minimum wage or regulating pet stores, according to the The Dayton Daily News. People having sex with animals in Ohio (aside from being fucked up generally), could face up to 90 days in jail and have the animal seized and impounded. In addition, Ohio thought it would be a good idea that they also be ordered to undergo psychological evaluation or counseling. Rep. Jim Hughes, who sponsored the anti-bestiality measure with fellow Republican Sen. Jay Hottinger, described bestiality as “sickening and perverse.” “We don’t want Ohio to be the place you can come and have sex with an animal,” he said. Well, at least that all got settled.

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THERE ARE RUMORS OF A BRITNEY SPEARS SEX TAPE AND THAT WOULD BE THE HOLY GRAIL OF THE FAPPENING 2.0

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According to Radar Online there is a Britney Spears sex tape and they have seen it. It supposedly shows Britney topless grinding on top of an unidentified male, while she’s smoking what appears to be a fat joint. Radar says it has decided not to publish the tape, however. But it claims to have talked with an insider close to Britney, who it claims said she is aware of the sex tape and fears its release. “She’s totally mortified and not coping well at all. Every time she thinks she’s finally put the past to bed, something comes back to haunt her! A seedy sex tape is more than she can handle right now!” Radar credits the insider as saying. We have not seen any evidence of a sex tape in the Fappening 2.0. No screen shots, nothing. Now, this circulating sex tape may have nothing to do with the Fappening 2.0 and it may not exist at all. We are waiting with baited breath. A Britney Spears sex tape, yeah, it is about as close to the cup of Christ as you can get in the celebrity sex tape world.



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MARRIED FEMALE TEACHER CAUGHT HAVING SEX WITH STUDENT HAS THE BIGGEST SHIT-EATING GRIN MUGSHOT OF ALL TIME

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Sarah Fowlkes, 26, is a married Texas teacher, who was busted for having sex with a 17-year-old student. She was suspended from her job as an anatomy and physiology teacher at Lockhart High School after turning herself in to police on Monday, and just having finished celebrating her birthday with her husband, who somehow seems to have forgiven her. Sarah allegedly engaged in “sexual content with the intent to arouse or gratify the sexual desire.” “Their contact was of a sexual nature,” the police said. It must have been some birthday party, because Sarah still had the biggest shit-eating, fuck-you-all grin when she took her mugshot. And it has to be the best of the year. Sarah wrote on her page on the school’s website, “I have very high expectations of myself as a teacher as well as of my students and I hope that this will be a formula for achievement. I want this to be an enjoyable year for all of my students but also a productive, challenging and encouraging year with success for everyone.” It was certainly enjoyable for one student. Sarah’s page on the school website has now been removed.

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MOST AMERICANS ARE HAVING SEX WITHOUT CONDOMS

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Let us bottom line this for you: A new survey from Superdrug Online Doctor reported that over 65% of Americans have sex without using a condom. It gets worse. A full 34.5% of Americans reported that they “Never” use condoms. The survey was conducted online with 1,000 Americans and 1,000 Europeans. Europeans were just as risky, with 55% of them reporting that they had sex without using a condom. And a full 44.9% of them said, “Never.” It gets worse still. Over 68% of people said that they “never” asked their partners to get tested for STD’s before having sex. That leaves a substantial number of Americans and Europeans having unprotected sex without even knowing whether their partners have a sexually transmitted disease. We all obviously need to take another lesson from Snoop Dogg, when he rapped, “But um, back to the lecture at hand / Perfection is perfected, so I’ma let ’em understand / From a young G’s perspective /And before me dig out a bitch I have to find a contraceptive / You never know, she could be earning her man / And learning her man, and at the same time burning her man / Now, you know I ain’t with that shit, Lieutenant / Ain’t no pussy good enough to get burnt while I’m up in it /And that’s realer than Real-Deal Holyfield / And now you hookers and hoes know how I feel / Well, if it’s good enough to get broke off a proper chunk / I’ll take a small piece of some of that funky stuff”. Damn, right. Ain’t no pussy good enough to get burnt while we up in it. Snoop Dogg.



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PORNHUB WANTS YOU TO SAVE HELP SAVE THE PANDAS BY CREATING COSPLAY PANDA PORN

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Pornhub.com is on a mission to help save the pandas with porn. Here’s the problem, according to Pornhub: “Giant pandas are one of the world’s most vulnerable populations and currently on the IUCN Red List of Threatened Species, the world’s most comprehensive inventory of global conservation status of plant and animal species. The main reason stems from male pandas’ reluctance to fornicate. Male pandas spend an average of 16 hours a day eating and generally sleep for the rest of it. Female pandas – who are sexually receptive only two or three days each year – have a very slim chance of mating with males because of their inactivity.”

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Here’s the solution, according to Pornhub: “To get pandas in the mood again, scientists and zookeepers have resorted to various methods to encourage fornication, including using ‘panda porn’ that helps to increase these cuddly little tumblers’ sexual appetite. However, there aren’t many videos readily available and most of them are of poor quality. Pornhub is inviting its viewers to film their own ‘panda porn’ that zookeepers can show pandas to encourage them to get it on. Those who are interested simply need to slip into a panda costume, or use black and white body paint, and get it on…panda style. Fans are encouraged to upload their videos to Pornhub’s new ‘Panda Style’ category with the intention that scientists can use it as a resource for their panda breeding efforts.”

For every “Panda Style” upload, Pornhub offered to donate $100 to panda preservation charities (through the end of yesterday, which was National Panda Day (March 16)), and make additional donations to those videos that racked up the most views. You can check some of the uploads here.

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TEN NAVAL OFFICERS CHARGED IN SEX FOR SECRETS SCANDAL, AND IT IS CLEAR THE MILITARY HAS A SEX PROBLEM

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Some people believe that young, jacked, and testosterone-fueled military servicemen, sequestered from any real physical relationship with women for extended periods at a time, are going to have normal healthy attitudes towards sex and women. Get fucking real. With military scandal after scandal involving sex, people can’t really keep deluding themselves much longer. And while women are the victims, so too are the men. You can only ask so much of a guy, realistically. We’re justifying any behavior, we’re just saying, there’s a larger problem that gets ignored when people are just looking at the symptoms. Another symptom is rocking the Navy this week, as ten senior naval officers were charged in a sex for secrets scandal. The officers reportedly referred to themselves as “the Cool Kids,” “the Band of Brothers,” “the Brotherhood,” “the Wolfpack,” “the familia,” and “the Lion King’s Harem.” And according to the allegations of the U.S. Attorney Southern District of California the officers worked together to help Singapore-based defense contractor Leonard Glenn Francis, also known as “Fat Leonard,” and his company, Glenn Defense Marine Asia (GDMA), access military secrets in exchange for luxury travel, extravagant dinners, and sex parties with prostitutes.

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The company reportedly overbilled the Navy $34 million, aided by the group who were working in concert with Fat Leonard and his company to win defense contracts to provide port services to U.S. Navy ships, to redirect ships to ports controlled by Fat Leonard in southeast Asia (in order to overbill the Navy for supplies and services), to sabotage competing defense contractors, to recruit new leaders coming into the Seventh Fleet, and to keep the conspiracy secret through the use of code names and foreign email services. The indictment named Navy Rear Admiral Bruce Loveless , chief of staff to the Commander of the Navy’s Seventh Fleet David Newland, Captains David Newland, James Dolan, Donald Hornbeck and David Lausman; Marine Corps Colonel Enrico DeGuzman; Commander Mario Herrera; Lt. Commander Stephen Shedd and Chief Warrant Officer Robert Gorsuch.



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ACTRESS ALLISON WILLIAMS WANTS THE SUGGESTION OF AN ERECTION BUT NOT A FULL ON STIFF DICK DURING SEX SCENES

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Actress Allison Williams and Samuel L. Jackson talk sex scene erections with Andy Cohen. Allison, if you recall, had that immaculate ass eating scene in Girls. But her take on sex scenes and erections really was a fucked if you do or fucked if you don’t philosophy for male actors. Allison said it is “flattering but upsetting when it happens,” a male actor getting an erection during a sex scene, but also “upsetting and unflattering when it doesn’t happen.” Samuel L. Jackson quickly called bullshit. We appreciated the credible male opinion in the room.

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MISCHA BARTON SEX TAPE SHOPPED, CAUSE CRAZY GIRLS ARE SO HOT

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Someone is shopping round a sextape of actress Mischa Barton, 31, at an ask price of $500,000 and according to Kevin Blatt, Hollywood’s sex-tape broker, “I know that at least three large online porn sites, YouPorn.com, Porn.com and RedTube.com have reviewed it and they’re all seriously considering the offer. I’ve seen stills from the video, it’s clearly Mischa in my opinion. She’s seen performing a sex act on a guy and can be seen having sex in various positions.” The tape allegedly shows Mischa wearing a grey hoodie and nothing else having sex on a double bed with a man wearing just a black t-shirt. The setting is a little sketchy, a bedroom, with a bed that has a leather padded headboard and mirrored panels, with while coffee cups and an empty bottle of Gatorade on a bedside table. A sextape isn’t exactly what Mischa need right now, or it may be exactly what she needs to help her less than stellar reputation in the last few weeks. After an alleged “drug-induced” meltdown she was filmed by a neighbor hanging over a fence in her backyard and calling her mother a “fucking witch.” While she had a sexy photoshoot comeback earlier this month, a sextape is not the direction Mischa appears to have had in mind as her next move.

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Mischa responded through her lawyers. Lawyer Lisa Bloom said in a statement, “Ms Barton does not consent to any disclosure of any such images. She believes that she was recorded without her consent by someone she was seeing at the time. There’s a name for this disgusting conduct: revenge pornography. Revenge pornography is a form of sexual assault, and it is also a crime and a civil wrong in California. And we will not stand for it.” She addressed those those attempting to “traffic” the tape directly, saying, “We will come after you. We will fully prosecute you under every available criminal and civil law. You proceed at your peril.”

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PHILADELPHIA, THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE, ALSO THE CITY OF COLLEGE LOVE

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Temple University in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania tops the list of college sex partners, well above double the national average (of approximately 5 sexual partners in college), according to CollegeStats.org and DrEd.com and their survey of over 2,000 current and former students to learn about sexual habits on campus. Temple was followed by Rutgers University, Texas A&M University, University of South Carolina and Cornell University (representing the Ivy League). Traditional party schools like Arizona State University, Florida State University and the University of Wisconsin Madison also made the list, but not as high as you might think. More surprising, 15% of college students said they “never” use condoms, and 14% said only “sometimes”. That is nearly a third. Be careful out there.

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SCIENCE SAYS BIGGER DICKS, BIGGER ORGASMS

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A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, says longer penises can give women more vaginal orgasms. But only vaginal orgasms, not necessarily clitoral orgasms. Women were asked women how much sex they were having and the effects of a longer-than-average penis on how often they orgasmed. According to the study, “Research indicates that women’s orgasm during penile-vaginal intercourse is influenced by fitness-related male partner characteristics, penis size is important for many women, and preference for a longer penis is associated with greater vaginal orgasm consistency.” The researchers said that these orgasms were reached “without concurrent clitoral masturbation.” So bigger dicks, bigger orgasms, which you probably could have surmised watching almost any porn video. Researchers added, “Women who prefer deeper penile-vaginal stimulation are more likely to have vaginal orgasm, consistent with vaginal orgasm evolving as part of a female mate choice system favoring somewhat larger-than-average penises.” So, yeah, it may be time for that penis implant…

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ALL WORK AND NO SEX MAKES MILLENNIALS A DULL GENERATION

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Millennials are working more, making less, and getting no sex. Well, that may be a bit exaggerated, but they are certainly having less sex than previous generations, according to a new study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. The study looked at data collected from the General Social Survey, representing a sample of more than 26,000 American adults. Study participants were asked about their sex lives since 1989. The results were that married or live-in couples had sex 16 fewer times per year in 2010-2014 compared to 2000-2004, and that couples had nine times more sex in 1995-1999 than they do now. “These data show a major reversal from previous decades in terms of marriage and sex,” said Jean M. Twenge, the study’s lead author and professor of psychology at San Diego State University. “In the 1990s, married people had sex more times per year than never-married people, but by the mid-2000s that reversed, with the never-married having more sex.” Who is to blame for the dramatic change? Millennials.

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“Despite their reputation for hooking up, Millennials and the generation after them (known as iGen or Generation Z) are actually having sex less often than their parents and grandparents did when they were young,” said Jean. “That’s partially because fewer iGen’ers and Millennials have steady partners.” The numbers are interesting, and age also seems to play a factor. People are at their sexual peak at 25. But each year after that peak, sexual frequency declines by 3.2%. So for example, people in their 20s have sex more than 80 times per year, but that declines to 60 times per year by age 45, and 20 times per year by age 65. “Older and married people are having sex less often – especially after 2000,” Jean said. “In a previous paper, we found that the happiness of adults over age 30 declined between 2000 and 2014. With less sex and less happiness, it’s no wonder that American adults seem deeply dissatisfied these days.” Millennials are just too damn busy texting…



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