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BRTINEY SPEARS IS LOOKING TIGHT

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Britney Spears is looking awfully like Jessica Simpson these days. For a moment you might have thought that was an insult to Britney, because she is so much younger, which is what you associate with Britney, that young-not-so-innocent-high-school-fuck-toy. But in fact, Jessica is 37 and Britney is 35. And soon both will start to look like Madonna. Checking out both this morning, the only differences we could tell was that Jessica has obviously bigger tits. Jessica is a 32DD, while Britney is only a 32C (a healthy size still). And that Britney, while looking more and more like Jessica, is getting fit as fuck, while Jessica is enjoying being MILF. Britney recently posted a picture of her abs, and we had a “damn!” moment. It lasted a long time, like “daaaaaaaamn!” Only to realize that is how Madonna started too. Now she’ll all arms. But for the moment…

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MMA FIGHTER MICHELLE WATERSON IS NUDE FOR THE BODY ISSUE, AND HER ASS IS TIGHT

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Female UFC fighter Michelle Waterson, 31, is the on the cover of this year’s Body Issue for ESPN The Magazine, and the fifth celebrity named in the issue. She is known as the “Karate Hottie,” and she lives up to the name. She shot nude out in the desert on rocks with swords for this year’s issue. A bit cliche for an Asian fighter, but all good from our perspective. In her interview with the magazine, Michelle said she has no problems about calling herself ‘hot’ and using the nickname her fans gave her. “I like my Karate Hottie nickname,” she said. “I think it’s catchy. I don’t mind saying that I’m hot. If you want to underestimate your opponent [because of her nickname], for sure, go ahead.” But being a hottie isn’t exactly Michelle’s priority, and she is realistic. “Your body changes [doing MMA],” she said. “You lose body fat, and that means you lose breast tissue. Your shoulders get broad, and you get scraped from the gloves. I do it because I love to do it. I could definitely be doing something else if I just wanted to look hot.” And while you can definitely see that Michelle has lost body fat in some essential places, she is still tight and sexy.

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GYMNAST ALY RAISMAN TIGHT AND LIMBER FOR THE SWIMSUIT EDITION

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Two-time Olympian gymnast Aly Raisman, 22, is only 5’2″, so not exactly the stature of a model, not even a swimsuit model But she put her tight and limber body on display for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, in some erotic and suggestive poses. Most gymnasts aren’t that cute, and Aly was just barely pushing the cusp of fuckable girl-next-door, teetering on passable transsexual. But when you put anyone though a made-for-publication makeover, most will come out moderately decent on the other side. Aly sure as hell did, and upped her status a few points, to a solid 7 (up from a questionable 4, on a scale of 10). And her Sports Illustrated shoot puts her in a whole new category, of remotely desirable and certain chicken choking material.

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ALEXIS REN GONE WILD AND UNCIVILIZED

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Alexis Ren so far is still doing well for herself as a model, in spite of our expectation that she’d eventually have to turn to porn. We aren’t abandoning our prediction, we’re just saying it may take a bit longer than expected. As best as we can tell from her Instagram, which we watch religiously (for the porn announcement of course), Alexis went wild for a time but has returned to civilization and showers, whatever that means. We mostly noticed the tight butt pictures that were the focus of her recent updates.

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WOMEN IN SOUTH AFRICA SWEAR THE “PUNANI FRUIT” IS MAKING THEIR PUNANI TIGHT AGAIN

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According to just about any doctor you ask, including doctors in South Africa, “No [fruit] can make help with tightening the vagina because it will always go back to its natural form,” as gynecologist Dr. Solomon Speachot said. But women in South Africa are buying up the “punani fruit,” basically just dried plums, like their pussy depended on it. And are swearing by it as a sexual remedy, to make their pussy tight again. “You just eat it then drink lots of water it will then do its job by making your vagina tight,” said Nthabiseng Mofokeng who regularly buys packets of the fruit. “I eat it every night and it helps a lot for me when having sex with my husband,” she said. She added, “In the past, my husband would complain about my vagina being dry and would not enjoy sleeping with me,” but “Now, we both enjoy.” Melita Mnguni said “Believe in me, it does work,” and “My husband was so glued to me and he didn’t want to leave me and we slept (together) the whole day.” “That’s when I was convinced that it does really work,” she added. The packets sold on the streets in South Africa list ingredients as plums, sugar, ascorbic acid, salt and flavoring. But apparently, it’s tightening pussies in South African and saving marriages.

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