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AVERAGE SEXUAL EXPERIENCE IN THE UNITED STATES IS 12 MINUTES, AND OTHER TIBITS FROM NEW SURVEY

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Sex surveys haven’t been making much news lately. It isn’t too often that we find out something that we didn’t already know anyway, or couldn’t have guessed. But there were a few interesting tidbits from Lovely’s U.S. 2017 Sexual Satisfaction Study. Lovely is sex toy and tracking app for couples. They surveyed 432 couples about more than 2,000 sexual encounters, and found that sex typically lasted only 12 minutes for the average couple. So if you’re a one-minute man you are sorely lacking in the stamina department. Even 10-minute men are less than average. Lovely also broke the numbers down by state, and showed that Oklahoma was cumming up real short: only 6 minutes in the sack. And while other things in Texas may be bigger, sexual stamina is not one of them. In Texas, couples only lasted 8 minutes on average. Utah, Maine and North Carolina, on the other hand, topped the nation, with a whopping 19 minutes of hot fucking (well, maybe not so hot, which is why it took so long). You can check your state here. The study also produced an infographic for sexual satisfaction and favorite sexual position for each state. Surprisingly, Oklahomans were “completely satisfied.”





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PORNHUB ADVERTISING CORY CHASE PORN VIDEO LIKED BY TED CRUZ, USING TED CRUZ

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Texas Senator Ted Cruz liked porn star Cory Chase’s porn video, “Dick For Two”. Lying Ted said it was all a mistake. A staffer. Sure…. Whatever really happened, Pornhub, who owns Reality Kings, who produced the video, is wasting no time taking advantage of Ted’s now infamous like. You can now watch “Dick For Two” on Pornhub for free, which has been retitled “TED CRUZ DID NOTHING WRONG! – CORY CHASE LIKED BY TED CRUZ.” Pornhub vice president, Corey Price, said “Dick For Two” is “the fastest porn video to reach one million views.” And all thanks to Ted Cruz. At least he’s winning at something, even if it’s promoting porn.



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SARA JEAN UNDERWOOD DOES THE SOUTHWEST

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Sara Jean Underwood is still keeping it Sara Jean Underwood, and hit the southwestern United States, continuing her efforts at photographing her naked body in nature all around the world. We applaud the effort. We adore the pictures. And hope to see Sara naked on the the side of the road hitch hiking one day.

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BRAZZERS’ EXPOSES AMERICA’S MOST BIZARRE PORN SEARCH TERMS IN 2016

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Watch out for those girls from Vermont. Kinky people in Vermont are searching for “Piss Drinker” porn, and is the only state in America that gets freaky searching for porn like that on Brazzers.com, according to its recently released infographic addressing the Most Bizarre Searches on Brazzers in 2016. But they aren’t the only ones, Texans are into “piss” too, along with “Hot Dog,” “Mom and Son” and “Alien” porn. Weird. Florida got even more fucked up, cause Florida. They were searching for “shit” porn, and “Shit on Dick” porn, which we aren’t sure whether that’s because they are into anal or brown showers. Either way, there are clearly some sick puppies in Florida. Virginia, staying true to Southern form, was into “Sister” porn (but Illinois liked it too). North Carolina just went “Hairy.” California kept it cool, always a trend setting state with “Feet” and “Milking.” So what kind of kink are you into? And please don’t say “Shit” porn, even if you’re from Florida.

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UNITED STATES WINS TITLE OF WOMEN WITH THE BIGGEST BREASTS IN THE WORLD, SO MORE REASON TO CELEBRATE THIS JULY 4TH

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If big tits are your thing, then you may want to live in the United States. That’s because in a recent study, The Journal of Female Health Sciences revealed that women in the United States have the largest breasts of women in any country in the world. The study analyzed the volume of breast tissue in 342,000 women ages 28-30 in 108 different countries. The study only included women who were not pregnant or breastfeeding and women without implants, this was an au natural contest. Women in the United States came out on top with average breasts measuring a size D (which would be an F in European sizes). “Women born in the U.S.A have by far larger breasts than women in any other country, while women born in Africa and Asia, particularly in the East Asian countries, have the smallest breast volumes,” the report stated. In the United States, the study separately considered both white women and women of color (apparently for an apples to apples comparison with the rest of the world). White American women actually won the title of largest natural breasts in the world, but American women of color came in third, behind Canada. And another shocker was that obesity was not the reason that women in the United States won. The report stated that while larger cup sizes in countries such as England and Spain are tied to body weight, women born in the United States and Canada, including athletes, had bigger breasts regardless of what their weight. This is because, they surmised, white North American breasts tend to be rounder than those of white women born in other countries, and rounder breasts have more volume. Go figure. Countries with the smallest breasts were The Philippines, Malaysia, Bangladesh, Samoa and the Solomon Islands.

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ANNIE GET YOUR GUN, THE U.S. SENATE APPROVED REQUIRING WOMEN TO REGISTER FOR THE DRAFT

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Any woman who turns 18 on or after January 1, 2018 will be required to register for the United States draft. The United States Senate recently approved a defense spending budget with what was a controversial provision, but passed this time 85-13. So girls, get ready, if they ever reinstitute the draft, you may be off to some foreign country to stop the spread of Communism in a decades-long war that we will not win in the end, but we will say we won, because why the hell did we go in the first place. There is an interesting backstory to this provision. Back in April, the House Armed Services Committee voted to approve a version of the National Defense Authorization Act, that included women in the draft because the conservative Republican congressman who introduced the “draft women” provision, Rep. Duncan Hunter of California, added the amendment because he didn’t think liberals would vote to draft women, forcing them to vote against the massive $602 billion spending bill (more on the military budget than any other country on earth and the next seven countries combined.) And he was trying to out Democrats for not really supporting integrating women into the military, especially in combat roles. That shit backfired, massively. On Tuesday, the Senate approved the NDAA 85-13, with Duncan voting against his own amendment. But President Obama is threatening to veto it when it comes to his desk because it keeps the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay open, not because of the issue with drafting women.

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A small contrastive minority, headed by Lyin’ Ted had a sharp response. “It is a radical change that is attempting to be foisted on the American people,” Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) said. “The idea that we should forcibly conscript young girls into combat, to my mind, makes little or no sense. It is at a minimum a radical proposition. I could not vote for a bill that did so, particularly that did so without public debate.” Wait, Ted Cruz, isn’t he the guy that lost to Donald Trump?

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WHAT WOMEN WANT…IN THEIR PORN, DUH, LESBIANS

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Leave it to Pornhub to crack that eternal riddle of what women want. Well, what women want at least with respect to their porn. Pornhub assembled its massive data files, as some 24% of Pornhub’s viewers worldwide are women, and analyzed the most viewed categories by women in each country. The answer for most countries, as you might have guessed, is Lesbian porn. Though in Russia, and several parts of Eastern Europe, it was Anal. Girls in Asia went for Hentai. Africa went Ebony. Oddly, Kazakhstan and Ethiopia went Big Dick. Turkey, Germany and several parts of South East Asia went Teen. But the more interesting statistics (since women of the world pretty uniformly preferred Lesbian porn) were the top relative categories, meaning the ones that are viewed more when compared to women elsewhere, both on the country level and state by state in the United States. Russia went Anal (83% more than the rest of the world), with Germany going Fetish (102% more), and the United Kingdom (33%) and Canada (35%) going Bondage. Brazil went Shamble (81%). Women in the United States looked at Ebony porn 74% more than women in the rest of the world, carried heavily it seems by the southern United States’ heavy comparative viewing of Ebony porn more than anywhere else in the United States. California women looked at Big Tits porn more than women in the rest of the United States. And so now we know what women want, and it ain’t dick…

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STATE DEPARTMENT TELLS UGLY GIRLS YOU CAN TRAVEL ABROAD, BUT REMEMBER, YOU’RE STILL UGLY

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The Travel Office of the United States State Department is trying to help United States citizens traveling overseas, especially now during the Spring Break season, with some practical travel tips. One tip though, hit too close to home for some girls. The Travel Office tweeted, “Not a ’10’ in the US? Then not a 10 overseas.” Yes, Europeans are generally uglier, except the hot ones who genetically mutate out of the ugly Euro gene pool. And, yes, standing next to uglier people will make you look more attractive. But the world has changed, folks. With the Internet, Europeans now know when they are getting the ugly Americans, and not the hot chicks that go to Florida for Spring Break. They’ve figured it out. But ugly chicks are still going thinking the game is the same. Well, the State Department has now officially told you, the jig is up. You’re ugly here and you’re ugly there, and they know it. So the only ones using the “you’re so beautiful” line are either (1) guys without Internet or television access (and really, where the fuck are you?), or (2) people trying to con you, ugly girls. The message unfortunately was not well received, so the Travel Office has since deleted the tweet. But seriously, you are ugly, there is nothing you can do about it, except go see a plastic surgeon, and even then, your children will still be ugly. All you can do is accept it.

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WHICH STATES HAVE THE MOST “SEXY” INSTAGRAM POSTS?

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Onlinedoctor.Superdrug.com went on a mission to find the states (and countries) with the most “sexy” selfies on Instagram. According to the website, “Instagram has become one of the most popular networks, with 300 million active users every month and 70 million new photos posted each day.” They figured there would be some interesting data surrounding the often used hashtag #sexy. So they performed an exhaustive analysis that went like this: “We scraped all Instagram posts containing the tag #sexy over a period of January 3, 2016 to January 4, 2016, collecting approximately 4.2 million posts, over 375,000 of which had geolocation data. To account for the small populations of many island nations, we counted these posts per 10,000 residents of a country using the latest population data from The World Bank. In certain maps of Europe, the nation of Monaco was omitted due to its prominence in the data and to ensure that the differences between other nations remained visible. Our analysis of associated words in #sexy posts included a hand-picked selection of terms, and it does not offer an overall look at all words used in these posts. The term ‘women’ was grouped in with ‘woman,’ ‘girl,’ ‘girls,’ ‘lady,’ and ‘ladies,’ and ‘men’ was grouped similarly. Other terms such as ‘body’ were grouped only with their plurals (‘bodies’, etc.).” We’re mostly interested in the United States, and here’s what they found with respect to the states:

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Overall, the United States itself ranks 14th worldwide for #sexy posts, with 3.4 posts per 10,000 residents. It’s not a bad designation, but the U.S. is a large and diverse nation – so how do the 50 states stack up? Despite the clear trend of coastal appeal, America’s top-ranking state is actually landlocked Nevada, with 15.35 #sexy posts per 10,000 residents.

While this state may not offer beach breezes or blue ocean waters, it does have one important feature going for it: the freewheeling party destination of Las Vegas, known for its vivacious nightlife and massive casinos. While it’s often said that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas – the city uses this slogan extensively in its tourism marketing – this clearly isn’t the case on Instagram. Nevada would place third in the world, between Saint Martin and the Virgin Islands, if it were ranked as a country.

Elsewhere in the U.S., the results are somewhat more predictable: Florida (8.91 per 10,000), Hawaii (8.02), and California (7.47), all states with extensive coasts, rank No. 2, 3, and 4 in the country. Each of these states is a popular vacation destination in its own right, and worldwide, they would all rank just below global fourth-place Aruba.


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WE CAN SUM UP U.S. PORN SEARCHES ON PORNHUB IN ONE WORD: LESBIAN

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Americans sure do love their lesbian porn. Pornhub confirmed it. In partnership with Vocativ, Pornhub analyzed state-by-state searches during the first month of this year. The term “lesbian” ranked highest in 30 states from east to west. Among the ten states sending the most traffic to Pornhub, “lesbian” was the leading search term in all but two, according to Vocativ. This phenomenon isn’t unique to the United States. Last year, “lesbian” was the most searched term on Pornhub worldwide. So what is the rest of the United States looking for? If not lesbian sex, it seems we’ve all gone incestuous, and not in the south. No, in the south, they are still stuck on race. In Mississippi, Georgia and (oddly) Delaware, the top search term was “ebony.” In Louisiana, it was “black.” In Hawaii, “asian.” Sex with your stepmom or stepsister seems to be a strictly northern fetish. It’s not exactly incest, cause you’re not technically related by blood to step-family members, but that don’t mean it ain’t still weird and taboo. But Montana, Wyoming, Minnesota, Ohio and Maine searched for “step sister” more than any other term. In Washington, South Dakota, Kentucky, Alaska and New Hampshire, they preferred “step mom.” Vermont, Nebraska and Arkansas all went “cartoon.”

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FEMEN HAS TOUCHED DOWN IN THE U.S., ANGRY TITS HIT SAN FRANCISCO

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Femen is here! We’ve been waiting for this European phenomenon to land in the United States, and our patience has been rewarded. On Saturday, a group of pro-lifers marched on San Francisco City Hall in opposition to the 43rd anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the influential Supreme Court decision striking down many anti-abortion laws. The event was called Walk For Life, and brought tens of thousands of people to San Francisco. It also brought out Femen, who protested the speech of David Daleiden. Femen said in a press release, “Seconds after Daleiden took the stage, FEMEN activist Anni Ma set off a personal security alarm from within the crowd, and took her shirt off to reveal ‘FREEDOM MEANS CHOICE’ painted on her chest. Activist Carly Mitchell joined Ma in chanting ‘Fraud! Hypocrite! Liar!’ at Daleiden. FEMEN activists Chelsea Ducote and Rebecca Marston donned volunteer vests that allowed them to ‘guard’ the barricades near stage-left. The diversion created by Mitchell and Ma allowed them to rip off their tops and break through the barricades, sporting the slogans ‘ABORTION IS SACRED’ and ‘FUCK YOUR MORALS’ on their chests and chanting ‘Fraud, Fake, Liar!'” And all while topless. We’ve been waiting for this a long time.

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WHERE THE VIRGINS ARE

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OK Cupid did a bit of research, for those of you looking for a sex hook up, so you know which states to avoid. OK Cupid went and ranked the states with the most virgins, based upon users who answered “Yes” to the question “Are you a virgin?” Seems obvious enough. The top states shouldn’t surprise you, Utah, South Dakota, Idaho, Iowa and Arkansas were the top five, in that order. Montana, Oregon, New Mexico, Delaware and Vermont, where there’s absolutely nothing to do, rounded out the bottom of the list. But just because there aren’t many virgins there, doesn’t mean getting some Netflix and Chill is all that easy. But OK Cupid helped out there too, ranking the states where people are most looking for casual sex, based on users who selected “casual sex” in their profile’s “I’m Looking For” section. Top freaky deaky states? Oregon, Washington, Vermont, Idaho and Alaska were in the top five. That makes Oregon, Idaho and Vermont sort of confusing, given they both have a high amount of virgins, and a high amount of casual sex seekers. The bottom of the list was less a surprise, given it was mostly comprised of Bible belt states, with Mississippi, Connecticut, Virginia, Alabama and New Jersey, landing at the bottom of the list. New Jersey? at 50? Apparently, OK Cupid officials didn’t watch Jersey Shore.

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WHICH COUNTRIES ARE SUPPORTING THE WORLD’S OLDEST PROFESSION

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According to Havoscope, the world’s oldest profession is booming worldwide. Hookers hauled in $186 billion in worldwide revenue. Their data is based on estimated market values from countries where prostitution revenue is available and used public health programs and law enforcement initiatives to develop the figure. They also ranked the countries who spend the most per capita on prostitutes. We figured some Asian nation would top the list, cause “me love you long time.” But no, it was European countries topping the hooker spending charts, with a few Asian countries mixed in. Spain spends the most on prostitutes per person, with a total expenditure of $26.5 billion. Damn, Spain. Damn! In terms of the number of workers, however, China blows other countries away with over 5 million workers, followed by India with 3 million and the United States with 1 million. China also claims more than a third of the world’s prostitution revenue at $73 billion. The large populations of those countries, of course, balance out the excessive whoring of some of their citizens, in the per capita calculations. Here were the top ten countries in the world:

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1. Spain $372
2. Switzerland $291
3. South Korea $165
4. Germany $151
5. Japan $128
6. Bulgaria $122
7. Thailand $63
8. Taiwan $53
9. Ireland $45
10. Israel $42



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