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PORNSTARS DESCRIBE THEIR VAGINA

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Why you would ever need to ask a porn star to describe her vagina is beyond us. We’ve all seen them many, many, many times before. We know what each and every one of them looks like. But WoodRocket.com asked porn stars Brooklyn Chase, Alison Rey, Mocha Menage, Rizzo Ford, Jamine Webb, Aubrey Sinclair, Cassandra Cain, Lily Lane, Leya Falcon, Piper Perri, Amarna Miller, Charlotte Sartre, Abella Danger, Bobbi Dylan, Bella Doll, Jessie Lynne, Georgia Jones, Riley Reid, Harmony Cage, Cherie DeVille, and Riley Reyes to describe their vagina. The answers were actually kind of interesting. Brooklyn Chase said, “My vagina looks like Homer Simpson’s mouth.” Piper Perri described her pussy as “Turkey sandwich, all bun, hold the mayo.” And then words like “wet,” “tight” and “small” were thrown around a lot, like a lot. The best answer came from Riley Reyes, who said, “My vagina, like, like most vaginas, is framed by outer labia, and then there’s innie, inner labia, there kinda like this little pink ruffle dealie, and at the top there’s my clit, and ahh, then inside, I guess that’s the vulva, inside is the vagina, which is an awesome, wet, pink place where I like to put as many dicks as I can.” Riley Reyes, ladies and gentlemen.



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VAGINA IS NOW A VERB, BECAUSE ANNA KENDRICK SAID SO

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All it takes is for one white girl to utter a phrase and it is a national obsession. Cash us outside, howbout dat. We rest our case. Now it seems, vaginaing will soon be on its way to inclusion in the dictionary, after Anna Kendrick introduced it to the world, though she gives credit to another white girl for saying it. Anna explained on “Late Night with Seth Meyers,” that during shooting for her upcoming film, “There was a scene in the first week of shooting, [the director] came in and she was trying to get one of the characters to kinda do like a kinda lewd body movement, and she was like, ‘So I think, you know, you’re just over here and you’re just like vaginaing on the couch.’ And I didn’t know that vagina could be a verb.” Anna also demonstrated the movement, vaginaing on the couch for Seth. And that’s how that shit starts. Cash us outside!

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IVY NIRVANA IS PRETTY IN KINK

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So we had featured another model with this post (Mackenzie Katrianna, mainly because of her exceptional profile quote, “I love when you get so so Hard”), but Mackenzie decided to take down all of her videos after only a day’s worth of attention. We take it as a slap in the face. So we looked at what was new and found Ivy Nirvana doing a bit of kinky lingerie modeling. Our collective view is that whenever a girl poses with an anal butt plug pony tail, it is worthy of mention. The video is a little slower than we would have liked, but we figure there is something about the thrill of anticipation they were trying to capture.

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HENTAI STYLE BLONDE STRIPTEASE

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We felt a little risqué today, so we bit on this video, “Miki-Splashfree,” which is a Hentai style striptease, featuring a blonde that looks barely legal dancing around a stage naked as God made her (well, in this instance naked as her cartoonist made her). We always cringe at Hentai because it is so close to pedophile porn. But it is legal. And a shit ton of you love it, and as we said, we were feeling a bit caution to the wind to today. So fuck it.

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MISS BLISS – GOOD GIRL

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Good girls can still be kinky. And we were feeling like kink was an itch we hadn’t scratched in a while, and felt a little itchy. We looked to Miss Bliss and DarkShibari, who released a series of videos recently. As to this new one, “Good Girl,” they said, “Good girls don’t tempt and tease. Don’t allow their nudity to escape into indecency. Good girls behave until they stop doing so.” Our favorite type of good girl is one who gets naked, so it all worked. And we added an extra from DarkShibari, cause, Mondays get us all into a dark and ready to bind and whip a submissive mood.

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THE DIRTY POLAROIDS

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Ivy Nirvana is an L.A-based “Bondage Barbie.” We happened upon her Vimeo video with Rico J Coria, and we thought, damn that’s hot. So why not share? We could only find Ivy’s Instagram page, which is relatively new, only a couple months old. So it appears Ivy is new to the game, but already making hot nude videos with dirty polaroids. We see a bright future for Ivy.

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“MAKE PORN GREAT AGAIN,” XHAMSTER AUDITIONS DONALD TRUMP PORN STARS

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And then there were three. Donald Trump has inspired many things in his few short weeks as President of the United States, including a resurgence of Trump porn. xHamster is riding the wave of that resurgence and plans to ride it for the next four years, with an open casting call for Donald Trump porn star impersonators for a series of Donald Trump parody porn. They’ve been hunting for candidates with “unique hair,” “small hands” and “the ability to make incredible deals, and bring the HUGE-ness (or ‘YUGE’ in the parlance of Trump) of the president-elect to the small screens and tablets of our consumers” since November, receiving “many” submissions, which have been narrowed down to three. Their video auditions have been posted onto xHamster’s YouTube channel. And now xHamster users are being asked to vote for their favorite of the final three, the winner to be announced during the first 100 days of Trump ‘s presidency. The candidates sure do have the president down. One said in his video, “I’m here to tell you that I don’t lose. Okay, I’m not gonna lose.” And then asks, “Is this the face of a loser,” while holding a Hilary Clinton doll. Another said, “Yeah, we’re going out tonight”, pointing towards a Melania Trump doppelganger, “I’m gonna be with this pig, horrible woman, but we’re gonna do our best!”

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xHamster spokesperson Alex Hawkins said, “The Trump transition has been turbulent for all of us. We apologise for the delay in getting out this request. There is nothing more that the American public needs that quality adult content parodies to help them understand that ever shifting landscape of their Executive Branch of government.” About the final choice, xHamster said, “this performer would need to be in the ‘best health of any actor to do porn’, to have even more in common with the President-elect, whose own physician said that Trump is the ‘healthiest person to run for President in history.’ The ability to harness both Trump’s complete understanding of all issues without any actual knowledge of an issue, is also an optional trait.” xHamster is also casting a Trump cabinet, Trump family, and Trump Supreme Court nominations. The winner of the Donald Trump casting gets his own Twitter handle, @TheRealxHDonaldTrump. So who will it be?







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SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST: KITTENS STRIP CLUB DOES MANNEQUIN CHALLENGE

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Kittens is a strip club in Australia. And apparently the #MannequinChallenge only recently made it’s way down under, as Kittens just released their own mannequin challenge at the club, chock full of strippers hanging from poles, legs spread and asses in the air. We would ordinarily be inclined to talk shit about someone so late on the social media wave, but talent is talent. And the Kitten girls have talent.

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PURE NUDE YOGA YOUTUBE CHANNEL

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Pure Nude Yoga is a YouTube channel, devoted to featuring nude yoginis, at least fully nude previews, so they can direct you to their pay channel on Vimeo. They’ve been dropping preview nude Yoga videos on YouTube at the rate of about one every three months. The most recent is with Katarina Keen, who they describe as “amazingly graceful and flexible, as she slowly demonstrates a progression of classic yoga positions, starting out on basic forms and moving toward more intermediate poses. Just watching her move through the poses with her mane of striking blonde hair and deep blue eyes is inspiring and relaxing. Yogini Katarina has been an avid yoga practitioner in a variety of yoga disciplines for several years, including Hatha Yoga, Iyengar, Power Yoga, as well as Ashtanga Yoga.” We watched a few of the videos, and already fell less stressed and relieved.

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SUBSCRIBE TO LENA THE PLUG’S YOUTUBE BECAUSE SHE’LL DROP A SEX TAPE IF 1 MILLION OF YOU DO

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One million YouTube subscribers is an aggressive goal. But Lena The Plug has gone from 30K to 200K in only a few days, by offering her fans a sex tape with fellow vlogger Adam22 if she reaches her goal of one million subscribers. In her YouTube vlog, she said, “I have been approached to do porn multiple times in the last year. Putting provocative pictures on the internet will get you such offers but it’s never been something I’ve been interested in, or tempted by.” She added, “I don’t want to do porn and I really have no interest in doing it. But a sex tape with someone that I’m seeing and totally comfortable having sex with – that sounds cool to me.” Again, a million seems far fetched, but Lena isn’t giving up hope, in fact she’s encouraged, especially since she’s made international news. She said, “I’m feeling pretty optimistic, pretty confident that this is a possible goal,” and “I’m actually really excited about this sex tape. I’m really into doing everything at least once just to do is, maybe because it makes a really nice story. Sorry Mom and Dad, you already hate me anyway.”

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In response to the viral publicity, Lena further doubled down on her promise, saying, “This is definitely not a publicity stunt. Adam and I plan on doing this and hiring a crew to film for us when we reach our 1 million goal. If the goal is to get a million subs, why would we lie? Everyone would just unsubscribe after and that’s counterproductive to the goal. I’ve been blocking out the negative responses. They’re filled with aggressive hate and threats and really just remind me how backwards of a world we still live in. I still can’t believe how much controversy sexuality ignites. I’m just having fun over here.”





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CAROLINE VREELAND BASICALLY TOPLESS FOR GOD CAN’T DESTROY STREETWEAR

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Milanese label GCDS (God Can’t Destroy Streetwear) kicked off its SS17 collection with a lookbook and short film, starring Caroline Vreeland. Caroline is our kind of model. Her Instagram model is a quote, “Get drunk and stay that way. On what? On wine, poetry, virtue, whatever. But get drunk.” Get drunk, indeed. Now, the video is slow and more artsy than erotic. “Nobody ever gets what they want when it comes to love. She wished to cry,” the caption reads. “Yet, she laughed in those happy days that won’t come back. Everything seems simple until you think about it.” Whatever that all means. The looks were sexy, so we couldn’t but give at least a timid endorsement of this whole #GCDSHOTEL nostalgic love.

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NAKED BLACK AND WHITE VIDEO WITH TASCHA MEGOT

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Tascha Megot is a German model who has a great philosophy, “Nudity is not a crime…” She shot a video with SeventySix photography. It was nude, of course, cause Tascha believes it’s not a crime, and she isn’t afraid to go naked, which we admire.

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TEYANA TAYLOR BEACH BIKINI AND WORKOUT

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Miami beach watchers were watching singer Teyana Taylor recently, as she was out showing her freakishly hot body in bikini on the beach. She was doing MILF duty, as she was with her daughter. And she’s got a new workout inspired video, with Vogue, which is quickly becoming her signature trademark. Next month, Teyana launches her own streaming workout video series, Fade 2 Fit. They are a series of 15 to 20 minutes. She said, “I wanted to share my secret and show everybody how I get my body.” We thank you for sharing, Teyana.

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A LOOK BACK: HANNAH FERGUSON BEHIND THE SCENS NUDE BODY PAINT

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Sports Illustrated is preparing for the 2017 Swimsuit Edition. In December 2016, they released a behind-the-scenes interview with Hannah Ferguson about her nude body paint shoot for the 2016 issue. She said, “I was nervous because I’d never been that revealed on camera before. But it was a fun experience. I just embraced it, went with it and actually really had a fun time.” In talking about feeling naked, she said, “I think because everyone else thought I was wearing something, I felt like I was wearing something. Just a little mind game. But it was really cool. It looked so realistic.” Sports Illustrated also recently dropped a behind-the-scenes YouTube video with Hannah about the same body paint shoot from last year. It was definitely worth a look back.

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WEEKEND EDITION: “MR. PROBLEM SOLVER” IS JUST ONE CONTINUOUS ASS TWERK VIDEO

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Nino Brown’s YouTube page provides “motivation and inspiration for the people that understand me.” Nino’s video “Mr. Problem Solver” we understand, because it is just one long ass twerk video with three girls, who you almost only ever see from behind. It is Nino’s most watched video by far with over 1 million videos. If you understand, it might just be motivation and inspiration for you too.

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KATE UPTON IS THE LAST OF THE LOVE ADVENT VIDEO CALENDAR THIS YEAR

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We have been vocal about our disappointment with Love magazine’s advent video calendar this year. So it is fitting that Kate Upton should deliver a less than stellar last video for the series this year. We appreciated the overly gratuitous cleavage shots of Kate’s busty breasts. But it didn’t make up for the lack of entertainment value. We’ll let you judge for yourself.

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