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HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED PORN AT WORK

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Don’t lie. Don’t lie. You’ve watched at least some porn at work. In light of a recent federal report about federal employees caught watching porn, Jimmy Kimmel hit the streets to ask. “According to an investigation done by the NBC News team in Washington D.C., almost 100 federal employees—these are people who work for the government—have either been caught or admitted to watching pornography at work,” Jimmy said. “I don’t know, 100 seems low actually to me. One federal worker, though, admitted to spending six hours a day looking at images and videos.” Another federal worker, Kimmel added, admitted to watching basically 31 eight-hour workdays watching porn. Here is what people said on the streets.

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SWEDISH LAWMAKER SUPPORTS CONJUGAL BREAKS FOR WORKERS TO HAVE SEX

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Erik Muskos is a member of the Swedish Social Democrat party, and is a firm believer of sex breaks at work. He made a stunning proposal during a council meeting in the northern city of Overtornea, to give employees an hour-long paid break to go home and have sex. He said he believes sex breaks will improve wellness and boost childbirth. “Childbirth should be encouraged,” he told the Stockholm-based newspaper Aftonbladet. “When sex is also an excellent form of exercise with documented positive effects on wellbeing, the municipality should kill two birds with one stone and encourage employees to use their fitness hour to go home and have sex with their partner.” He added, “I believe that sex is a scarce commodity in many long relationships. Everyday life is stressful and the children are at home. This could be an opportunity to have their own time.” This is yet another reason why we should also move to Sweden.

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AT LEAST 30% OF MEN AND WOMEN MASTURBATE AT WORK, NEW REPORT CALLS FOR WORK MASTURBATION POLICY

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Who the fuck masturbates at work? Apparently, one-third of your co-workers, at least, both male and female (and chances are you too). A survey by Guyfi found that 40% of workers in New York take masturbation during breaks at work. Polls by Time Out New York and Glamour, respectively, found that 39% of men said they masturbated at work, while 31% of women also admitted to flicking the bean on the job. And now new reports are endorsing the need for workplace masturbation policy, which may lead to increased efficiency and focus on the job they say. Taking time to “relieve tension” on the job could actually boost productivity and make employees happier, psychology professor Mark Sergeant of Nottingham Trent University told Metro U.K. Dr. Cliff Arnall, a psychologist and life coach, agreed. Dr. Arnall said, “Certainly taking a masturbation break for boredom or an escape would increase work focus” and that, “I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling.” Yeah, a lot of smiling. We wholly endorse a “Masturbation and Personal Ejaculation Break Act” in Congress. Time for a Change.org petition.

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EMPLOYEES ARE CHECKING THE WEATHER MORE THAN PORN AT WORK

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For everyone that believes there is a porn epidemic, we’re talking to you Utah, well, a new survey from CareerBuilder suggests there isn’t need to worry about porn at work at least. According to the survey, employers believe smartphones are the number one reason for less worker productivity, with nearly 20% of bosses believe workers put in less than five hours a day of actual work. (That’s probably about right…) About 80% of employees own smartphones and 70% keep them “within eye contact” at work, the survey found. Respondents were surveyed between February and March 2016 and included more than 3,000 private workers and more than 2,000 managers. But much to our chagrin, the biggest distraction is not porn. Personal messages, weather, news and games, all come well before porn. Porn only accounts for 4% of the time employees are wasting away at work. We would have guessed higher, much higher.

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